Background: I had to write a speech about a person I was glad to have known in my lifetime, so I used Ian Taylor as that person to create a sort of mock-speech.



There comes a time in every man's life where he reaches a cross-roads. On the one road we have a strong faith and belief in a god or higher being and the want to fill one's life with religion. Another path is that of belief in a god but not necessarily a religious life-style. The last road is one of complete disbelief in a higher power and the thought that were we are now is all that can ever be. Well, I reached that point a few years ago. For a long while I tried to figure it all out for myself, I tried going to church and had a need to understand how and if God existed. Well, and I remember this as clear as what I ate for breakfast this morning, I did figure it out one day. There I was, it was my lunch period at Winston Campus, and the answer hit me like a basketball to the face, only it was really more of a quarter to the head. So, this quarter hit me and I said to a friend of mine, "Who the Hell threw that?" he pointed in some random direction saying that the quarter came from over there. Well, I saw a figure sitting there that I had seen a few times. I knew him as "Zepplin Boy", he was a scrawny, long greasy haired guy who I noticed in the hallway every once in a while. Well, I assumed it was him who had thrown the quarter at me, so I threw it back. It hit him in the right eyeball. He came over to my table and we began to talk. What does this have to do with God or religion you ask? Well, not much to tell the truth, but for any of you who know Ian (or as I call him, Ian DTS) then you know that he is convinced that he is God. Yes, he is the person that I am glad to have known. His odd personality never fails to entertain me and soon you will hopefully understand why. So, kick back and relax as we enter one of the truly great minds of our society.

Yep, Ian truly did believe himself when he said he was God. He had himself convinced that he had lived for thousands of years and created fire with the help of some aliens he met. He also had hired people to be the angels and demons many of you I am sure have read about in the best selling fiction novel of all time, The Bible. I remember, I used to always see people after school going up to Ian and saying, "Hey God!" and shaking his hand or giving him a high five.

It is hard to forget the great remarks of that the late Ian Michael Taylor Esquire III once made. Whether he was talking about masturbation or how he was going to send everyone to Hell, he always had interesting stories to tell. You see, Ian had some rather original theories. One of his most famous was that any object or word could be linked to masturbation. He was convinced that there was nothing that he couldn't link it to, and believe me, there wasn't! From rats to cardboard boxes, third period French class to sushi, George Bush having necro-bestial anal butt sex to afros, he linked it all, and possibly saw some of it as well.

Affectionately reffered to by Matt Cieslak as "my personal delay pedal", Ian was an established guitar player and an even better kazoo player (he also dabbled in the tambourine). "He had a knack for that sorta thing," said Mike, Ian's old guitar teacher. When I asked what he meant by 'sorta thing' he responded, "The kid had no concept of the instrument. When he came to his first guitar lesson, he was blowing into the input!"

The government, what better a subject to discuss when we are talking about the late Ian Taylor? Yes, he was one paranoid mutha. All of his computer passwords were random letter combinations, none of them similar, and since he didn't want anyone to find them he refused to write them down. I guess that's why he was constantly creating new accounts on every program he used. Yes, he had many ideas on how the government should work, and for a long time he discussed with me his plans for world domination. He had many different plans, I guess he had so many in case anyone figured one out. I remember the one he had about hiring mercenaries, and since he had little money and wouldn't be able to pay them he would hire a new group to kill them after the original mercenaries completed their task. He also discussed with me buying the Philippines. I am guessing he would do some sort of a time share thing because he couldn't afford the country on his own. He said he'd use the Philippines as a starting point and distract foreign leaders while moving the border a few feet every day. I told him to have fun playing Risk in his parents basement when he's 33.

But he didn't live to be 33. You see, Ian had one fatal flaw (and it wasn't using "I", "me", or "my"). No, this was far worse. Ian loved to garden. Damn you Ian...I told you... I told you! Why... why? I remember when it happened! That fateful July morning, I was in my basement when a man on the phone asked me if I knew Ian. When I said yes, he told me he was sorry to report that Ian had died... in a freak gardening accident. Yes, that was his one true flaw, gardening. And ultimately, it brought about his untimely end. Ian, this one's for me [drink some Pepsi] and this one's for you my homie [pour Pepsi out onto the ground]. Of all the Charlie Brown's in the worl, you truly were the Charlie Brownest.