Statistical Sorrows

Cast:

McNabear- A large, awkward 17 year old high schooler. He is somewhat intelligent, though you’d never guess it with his childish antics and lack of common sense. His inability to speak fluently and constant eruptions of laughter amuse his fellow students, even if they don’t like him.

Bryan- His wit and gorgeous hair set him apart from the rest of his plebian friends. A bit full of himself but not without good reason, he has an uncanny knack at getting out of the stickiest situations.

Alec- Black.

Stan- He is younger than the rest but taller, oddly enough. All of the girls in school lust after him and constantly fight for his attention. His life is music even though he cannot play any instrument and he spends most of his time discussing or listening to it.

Greg- Energetic, lazy(?), fuzzy.

Setting: McNabear is sitting at a rectangular lunch table. He is working on statistics homework and laughing, even though no one else is present. Bryan approaches from the lunch line.

Bryan: (Scratching his head as he sets his tray down and takes a seat) You alright there?

McNabear: (Attempting to recover from his giggle-fit and taking a moment to suck in all of his saliva) Yes… I…uh… well, no. Mrs. Petsmart is gonna kill me if I don’t get this homework done.

Bryan: How is this different from any day? You never have any of your work done.

McNabear: I told her I’d get it all done for today… do you… umm… have your homework? Could I copy it?

Bryan: I didn’t finish it, you know that.

Stan: (approaching from the other side of the table) Not again. Mike, don’t you ever give up with this crap? Just do your own work.

McNabear: I, uh…

Stan: (Turning to Bryan) So, what’s in the CD player today?

Bryan: Queensr˙che.

Stan: Queensr˙che! Awesome, they’re fantastic. Speaking of Queensr˙che, I was listening to Kamelot yesterday-

McNabear: But Bryan, couldn’t you just give me the homework for a few minutes so I can get it started?

Stan: And I realized that they’re a lot like Queensr˙che in many ways, for instance-

McNabear: I mean, you’re not using it right now. I could… uhh…. Use it.

Bryan: Wait, what? I didn’t hear either of you guys.

Alec: (Approaching from behind Bryan) Anyone got somuney I can borrow?

Bryan: I don’t have anything.

McNabear: (As he puts ketchup on his fries) Why don’t you stop asking for handouts? Oh man! I got ketchup on my forehead!

Alec: Yeah but no one woud notice cause yo faces red anyway son.

McNabear: Oh yeah? Well… uhh… your face is… your face is black! (laughs uncomfortably as he attempts to keep saliva from dripping out of his mouth.)

Alec: (grabbing one of Mike’s fries and throwing it at him) Watch who ya call black, son! Didn’t ya mamma neva teach ya mannas? I’m Rick James bitch! (throws another fry)

McNabear: (Giggling uncontrollably as he slurps in his saliva) Hey! That’s aggravated battery!

Alec: Whacha sayin’?

McNabear: I took business law! That’s aggravated battery, you threw a French fry at my face! If you had slapped me that would have been battery but since you used an inanimate object as a weapon, that’s aggravated battery.

Stan: So anyway, I was listening to Lost Horizon, their first album of course, I really think that you should get it, you’d thoroughly enjoy it.

Alec: Watch it fore I slap ya wit som baby powda!

(Both Bryan and Stan stop talking and turn to Alec, saying simultaneously): What the Hell is wrong with you?

Bryan: What are you talking about slapping people with baby powder for?

Alec: To be Ashy Larry.

(everyone stares blankly)

Alec: Ain’t none of ya seen The Chappelle Show?

(everyone stares blankly)

Stan: Alec, why don’t you just go bother someone else?

Alec: Yeah, I’ll go gesom muney from someone else, but I’ll be black. (walks away)

(everyone stares blankly)

McNabear: (looking back at Stats. Begins to work and then pauses.) …uh… Bryan… could I see that Stats homework?

Bryan: (sighs) I already told you, I’m not done with it.

Stan: But the album, it’s exquisite.

McNabear: But Mrs. Petsmart… she’s… uh… she’s…I’m gonna have to talk the final!

Bryan: (confused) “Talk” the final?

Stan: They remind me a lot of Lost in Blue in their mixing and stuff. The bass is really at the top of the mix.

McNabear: BRYAN PLEASE! (freaking out) Just do the homework, there’s no time left!

Greg: (enters wearing his gym uniform) Hey man, whassup!

Stan: Hey Greg.

Bryan: How goes it?

McNabear: BRYAN! I’ll give you $10 to do the homework before Stats!

Bryan: (to McNabear) Uhhh… (turns to Gregg) What’s with the gym uniform?

Greg: I love bagels.

Bryan: Yeah, they do kick ass.

McNabear: $20! Please! I need that homework!

Bryan: Mike, there’s no way that I’m going to get it all done.

Greg: (addressing Mike) Make it $40, I’ll contribute $10.

McNabear: OKAY $40!

Bryan: (staring blankly) umm…

Stan: You guys have to shake on it.

(they shake as the bell rings)