| Rants! |
| by Jdot, who is pretty much anti-everything |
| Hello, kiddies. Today I'd like to introduce you to the epitome of uber-suckiness that is all things Whale. If you know me personally, or have been in the same state as me, you probably know that I am not fond of whales. I hate whales more than those people that ask, "Workin' hard or hardly workin'?" which should tell you something. Whales scare and frighten me. What's more, in a showdown of me versus a whale, I'm pretty sure a whale could crush me in its massive massiveness. Let's look at Exhibit A- that picture to your right. It's a whale... smiling... with a Santa hat and what looks to be leaves of a cannibis plant. So basically, we have your typical Christmas Spirit Marijuana Whale here. When whales start taking over Christmas, I start getting mad. Whales have absolutely NOTHING to do with Christmas. They never have and they never will. |
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| Stop smiling. I dislike you. |
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| "Whales are cool because they blow." |
| Contradiction, anyone? Yes, whales blow. No, whales are not cool. At least this kid had the right idea. Now let's take a look at young Jesse, someone who obviously ate one too many paint chips as a baby. PS:Jesse's website, http://wps.wiscasset-ps.wiscasset.k12.me.us/morisette/jessewhales.htm is unfortunately down- I swear, I had nothing to do with it- otherwise, I would send you there to see the deadly vortex of terror that is a whale fan site. |
| "Whales are very cool because they once walked on land. Whales are cool because they can jump good. They can grow to be 100 feet long. Whales can be 400,000 pounds. The largest whale is a grown blue whale. I think whales have a good life." |
| Yeah, well I think you're a moron. Once you get past the cutesy elementary grammer mishaps, you will realize it is stupid beyond all understanding. What a mess. Notice how both examples use "cool" as a word to describe whales. What is this? A coincidence? An evil whalish ploy? The results of our education system going down the toilet? It makes me want to whack my head repeatedly against something heavy and blunt until the part of my brain that stores all fat aquatic mammal information is crushed to tiny bits. I would never, ever like to meet Jesse, the author. His whale fettish makes me cringe. I seriously think I'm going to have nightmares of angry, 400,000 pound whales jumping on my house. Jumping "good," no doubt. Plus, there's that added factor of the creepy walking-on-land thing, so I'm going to have to start locking my doors at night. Not like that's going to protect me from their blubbery wrath. I really hate whales. |
| <- ugly death whale, wondering where its eyes went and why its mouth has taken over half its body |
| Well, now I'd like to show you what children think of whales via quotes taken from their personal websites. Be afraid. |
| Well, in conclusion, I'd like to add the dictionary definition of "whale" as listed in the Bartleby dictionary. TRANSITIVE VERB: To strike or hit repeatedly and forcefully; thrash. INTRANSITIVE VERB: To attack vehemently I sure don't want vehement thrashers around my children. Well, if I had children. Anyways, remember that whales are bad. The end. -Jdot |
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| whales induce projectile vomiting! click me to return to the main page! |
| #1: Harpoon the Whales |