11/27/03 - Happy thanksgiving. I got up at the right time and everything else went great. It's 3 pm and I wanna hang out with someone. No one's picking up their phone. I'm hungry. Damn those fries. Ahh I need some more. I forgot what I was gonna say.

11/21/03 - I'm back. I got a haircut and I finally shaved. It feels so weird. I bought a new guitar. So that means I won't be buying a car soon. Oh well. I did it for the music. It seems I found a temporary way of making myself happy, I guess it's good cause I feel more content now. I finally got those damn papers lol. I can't wait to get my new guitar. Ah. I think I may have found a drummer but I don't know. This guy canceled on me twice. We'll see what happens. I need a job. A good one. I'm going to start looking on Monday or Tuesday. Yesterday was strange. I hung out with three different people on the same night. First I hung out with Alberto cause we had work and shit, then I hung out with Lisa, and to my surprise, Jess called me and asked to chill. So I took Lisa home, and we went to Chili's and ate. I got home around 11:30 and I felt happy. And I had the most peaceful sleep I've had in so long.

11/17/03 - Sometimes you just have to let go of the things you hold precious in your life, and move on to bigger and better things. But when you can't seem to find the bigger and better things, you try to grasp your past. I feel frustrated right now, and I just need something to ease the pain. Something to free my mind, to help me let it all go for a while. I love the feeling of being free, away from fear and anxiety, and I feel nothing but contentment. And I wish this feeling would stay forever. It's the only way I could find myself.

11/16/03 - It's 12:50 AM in the morning. Last night I slept over Lisa's house, tons of fun. I hate how for one moment I'm happy and then suddenly I become extremely depressed. When I started thinking about Holly I couldn't help but cry again, despite the fact that I've tried to hold it several times. I miss her so much and I still love her, and knowing that we're not meant to be hurts me the most(Sorry it brought up Eman, Lisa). I remember everything that we used to do, how much fun we used to have, and everything that I was comfortable doing with her and not with other people. It just makes me so sad that I lost someone I really fucking loved. It's been a little over 2 months since we broke up, and no matter how hard I try, I still can't get over her. I guess she just means that much to me. I got home at 1:30 the next day and went off to work at 3. Then Alberto and Jasper picked me up and we played pool and I got home at midnight. THen I played guitar and ate dinner and now I'm here. lol. PS. If you got my site from another source besides my profile, do me a big favor and MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!

11/11/03 - It's so great to not give a fuck anymore. I seriously don't care if I get fired at my job, because I hate it, I get paid shit, and my superiors treat me like shit. So fuck them. And they can't fire me anyway, because who'd run the store at night? Alberto? Haha. I better get a raise by the end of this month or I'm leaving. I don't give a fuck. My friend is offering me a job where I'm starting more than what I'm earning right now so either way, it's a win-win situation for me. The next time he disrespects me, he'll regret it. I've been taking their shit for so long, but I won't tolerate it anymore. I'm a very passive individual, but sometimes I need to take a stand. I can't be too nice anymore. You piss me off, you'll hear from me. I'll treat you the way you treat me. That's all.

11/09/03 - Hey, what's going on? I feel so dirty. I haven't shaved for more than a week and I need to get a haircut. I wonder how long I could keep this up lol. I didn't come home last night. My parents kept calling me as usual, telling me to come home, so I said "Fuck it," and turned off my phone. I slept over Chris' house and had a party with Lisa and other people. Oh man that was some fun stuff. This is the first weekend that I felt happy, after 2 long months of misery. Next week is payday. Woohoo. That tape is gonna be so fucking funny. System of a Down sounded weird as shit. I don't know what's wrong with my parents. Sometimes my sister doesn't come home and sleeps over someone's house and my parents don't do shit and just go to sleep if they cant get in touch with her. But last night, I didn't bother calling like she did and they fucking spent all night driving around looking for me. What the fuck. They need to leave me alone. Everytime I'm out, they fucking call my cell only to tell me to come home. That's why I turn my phone off everytime cause it's annoying. I can never have a good time when I have to go home early, especially when my dad floods my phone with text messages, so fuck it. When I get my car I won't be home during the weekends, and they better get used to it, because I'm 18 and I don't give a fuck anymore.

11/07/03 - What's the deal...This weekend is going to suck. Today is Friday and I'm working from 3-9:30 then I'm working the next three days after that. Shiiit. I'm not used to working alot anymore. Fuck it. Today should be good since we're getting everything back to normal. And tomorrow I hope there's still a party. I've been hanging out with Lisa more often, and it makes me happy cause I like hanging out with her. I'm broke. I could take out money from the bank but I don't wanna do that. Shit. I wanna try shrooms one day. My friend told me the craziest shit when he was on shrooms. I couldn't stop laughing. He said everything he saw shattered and turned red, and after that he saw vampires and shit. lol. That sounds like fun. Why do some people just seem so pathetic? I hate being narcissistic. I look at almost everyone with disdain. I need to buy a car asap. Why do I still bother working for Jaimie when he makes me do all this shit and it stresses me the fuck out? I just feel suffocated that I'm stuck with this job, but I can't seem to get myself out of it. Perhaps I'm too afraid to let it go. FUck. Fuck fuck fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Such a beautiful word. Fuck.

11/05/03 - Hmm...my working conditions are getting better. Since Monday, my job has taken the time to renovate and clean everything up and get new shit for everyone. So my job won't be as stressful as it used to be. It was basically the owner's fault. The fucking dickhead wanted our store to close down for good. Shit I better get my raise or I'm leaving. I took my first guitar lessons yesterday. It was good, but I didn't learn what I wanted to learn. And my teacher was kind of a dick and he doesn't seem to know how to teach. Oh well. I just want my parents to know that I'm working hard to get to where I want to be. I started hanging out with my friend Lisa again, which is cool cause she's fun to chill with. We played pool and went bowling. Bowling wasn't that fun cause I didn't favor some of the people we hung out with, and the old people who played beside us were pissing me off cause they were giving us dirty looks and shit. I hope they break their hips. They belong in caskets. Haha I'm so harsh. I don't care. I still want to get a band going, but I can't find the people that I need. I've already got some cool riffs written down, I just need to add some words to them. Ok, new subject. As far as my love life is concerned, I don't think I give a fuck anymore. I don't have the guts to ask anyone out, and I'm afraid of getting rejected again, like last time. I liked this one girl and I asked her out, but she canceled on me, and ever since I never bothered with her anymore cause it was pointless. I don't think she even wants to hang out with me anyway. Oh well. What's done is done. Time to move on. I've got other things to worry about.

11/01/03 - What in the fuck...I hate Saturdays. Nothing good ever happens on this day. I was supposed to look at Jaimie's car today, but his cousin sold it to somebody else. That fucking did it. I've been working hard as fuck so I could get this car, and next thing you know, it's gone. So I drove to work a half hour early, and I just started breaking down. I couldn't hold it anymore. Sometimes you just have to cry. I'm not ashamed of it. And on top of this shit, my work's been stressing me out too. And I just want to quit, because fuck it, this job ain't shit. I'm gonna have to find a new job as soon as possible. God damn it Alberto. I gave you a job and you didn't bother calling when you decided not to show up. What kind of a fucking friend are you?? You let me down once again, bro. I hate to admit it, but I still miss Holly. And I still fucking love her, despite the fact that she's made me so miserable. Even though it would hurt me so much, I'd like to talk to her and find out how she's doing, but I don't have the guts to. I just wish all this pain would end soon. I just wanna cry right now...

11/01/03 - I just finished taking the SAT's, and I think I did pretty good. Hopefully it's higher than 1200. I saw many familiar faces in Colonia High. Wayne, Lou(big time stoner taking SAT's???), Donell, Rahul, Krista, and this chick that I used to have a big crush on back in middle school. She didn't seem to have changed and she's still hott as hell. I got out at 12:30 and went to taco bell to eat. That was good. I had the urge to smoke a cigarette but I didn't. Haha. I've been smoke-free for 3 weeks now. Amazing. Hopefully I get to look at the Mazda MX-6 today or I'll be pissed. One more paycheck and I'll have my freedom. My job is getting worse and worse, the more I get closer to saving enough money. It's fucked up. I'm trying my hardest to hold on for the last 2 weeks that I need. I won't give up.

10/28/03 - Okay, now I have two people I consider friends: Lisa and Marina. I know I could trust them. I'm making slow progress, but hey, at least I got something. Thank god today's over. I can finally rest tomorrow. I'm going down to Loria music to sign up for guitar lessons. Then I'm going to fill up some college applications. After that I'll feel better. Then I'll just chill the rest of the day. One more paycheck and I can pay off for the car I'm getting. I really fucking hope I get that car cause if I don't I'll be pissed off. And it won't be pretty. I found out my mom was gonna lend my sister money so she could buy a car(but the car was already sold), and I think that's fucked up considering that I've been trying to borrow money from both my parents and they keep turning me down. Fucking bullshit. I work my fucking ass off to save money for a car and she was about to get a car for free. I know she wouldn't pay them back either, that fucking bitch. I swear she'll get what she deserves one day.

10/27/03 - Today would be the seventh day in a row of work for me. Our store is slowly falling apart, and me and everyone else are trying to keep it alive for as long as we can. I was training Alberto today and he cut himself so he could barely do shit. Then tomorrow he's supposed to come in but his mom said he has a doctor's appointment, so I have to fill in for him. Whatever. More money for me. I'm taking a day off on Wednesday. Fucking hell. I need a rest. Or maybe I could keep working, and when I save up all that money, I can finally buy Jaimie's car. Then I can have all the fun I want. Jaimie's the man. When he was 17, he already owned 2 cars. I learned alot from him, like working hard is the only you could get whatever you want. After all this shit I've been through, I feel indifferent. I'm not as pissed off as I should be, because I accept my responsibilities. Good things come to good people. What goes around, comes around. I sure hope this week ends soon, because I'm not sure how much longer I could hold on to this. I wanna hang out with my dear friend Lisa on my day off cause she's cool, she's the only one who actually wants to hang out with me, and I'm grateful she wants to be there for me. Much luv for u Lisa. --Pat.

10/24/03 - Am I crazy or what? One moment I'm in a good mood and happy the next thing you know I'm angry and sad. I just feel suffocated right now. So I worked today and when I got out, one of Holly's friends came up to me and starts talking about how she's sorry for keeping shit from me about Holly. I really fucking hate it when somebody comes up to me and mentions that piece of shit. Look, I'm trying to move on with my life, so stop bringing her back into the picture or leave me alone. I do not want to think about her, even though I always do, as much as I try to avoid it. I just want my life back. I'm working hard on getting a car, and tomorrow I'm gonna test drive it. I don't care how people say driving a manual transmission is hard, I think it's more of a challenge, and that's what makes it fun. While I work on that, I have to study for SAT's to get a higher score. I totally fucked up my last SAT's cause I didn't really gave a shit, but now I do. I have to fill up applications myself cause my parents doesn't want to. I guess it is my responsibility because it is my life. Not theirs. As far as love is concerned, I don't think I could give my all to anybody right now, since I'm busy getting my life together, and I still feel burnt out from my previous relationship. And after I got rejected by someone I liked, I knew I wasn't ready for anything. I just need some time alone....or perhaps, some friends that I could depend on in my time of need.

10/23/03 - How great would it be if my abomination of a sister died? That would be fucking awesome. There'd be more room in the house, I don't have to scream at her every morning to get her lazy ass up, I don't have to keep telling her how to do everything right, and I have one less bitch to worry about. If murder was legal, I think I would've strangled her to death a long time ago. And my life would be much more peaceful. I wish I wasn't 18 so I still have the chance to punch her in the face, cause she repulses me so much that I can't even stand looking at her for a second. It would've been great if Sam ran her over and crippled her. I might be sad for a couple minutes, but then I'll be happy again. Seeing her suffer gives me satisfaction. I can't wait until I get Jaimie's car. It's gonna be fucking nice. When I have my own car, she won't be able to afford gas unless she gets money from her friends or use my dad's credit card, cause she's such a fucking parasite, it makes me sick. She doesn't even have $35 to pay for her cell phone every month. What a worthless hag. She doesn't deserve to breathe the same air as me. I hope she dies. I don't care.

10/19/03 - I think I'm done trying. I've given people a chance and still they let me down. I don't want a girlfriend, or to hook up with anyone. I have many priorities that need to be set straight right now. I just don't have time for anyone, and it's not like anyone has time for me anyway. I know what a real friend is, and that's what I know I don't have. I think I'll just wait until they come along, cause right now I've really given it my best shot to find it in them, but it's impossible. There's no friend in all the people that I know. I'm just going to meet new people and hopefully find it in them. I used to think that I was over Holly, but in reality, I'm not. Whenever someone mentions her name, I start boiling with anger, although I don't show it. I'm done with smoking, for good. It doesn't help me with my problems, it only makes them worse. I think I have more faith in myself not to turn to cigarettes for temporary relief. I think it's so stupid that you have to smoke to feel better when you're sad, angry, or depressed. It just makes me feel shittier when I smoke. It takes alot of inner strength to quit smoking, especially when you decide to stop while you're a heavy smoker. And that's what I did. I'm giving away something that's been plaquing my life for more than a year. And it makes me feel very good about myself despite all these disappointments that I have to face almost everyday. I'm going back to my old self. The one who was hardworking, patient, determined, and knows how to handle money well. Bye.

10/06/03 - I'm so sick of everyone. Every weekend that passes by gets shittier and shittier. We were supposed to go drinking last Saturday, but those fuckers ditched me, and on Sunday I was supposed to play pool with Marina, but she forgot about it so that shit's canceled too. Fuck everyone. Yeah I have no real friends. My parents suck. I want to go to SAE in New York but they don't want me to go because they have no degree programs. Fuck it. If I don't go to New York, I'm not going to college at all. I'd rather work my way to where I want to go than study for a fucking class and get a normal job. I'd rather starve to death doing what I love to do. If they want to live my life, they might as well go to school for me. Fuck that. Fuck you all. What goes around, comes around.

10/05/03 - What the fuck is going on. My weekend sucked as usual. Tonight I was suppose to drink with Alberto and them, but they never bothered to call me after work. Fuckers. I really need to save some money. I thought I had alot left, but I don't. Val is so friggin' hot. She's like the only girl I want right now. When I look at other girls, I can't find one who's better. I decided I could stay single and wait for my opportunity again, cause I know she's worth it. I had a chance with her before but I couldn't do anything about it cause I was with Holly. And the bitch screwed me over. Fuck it. I can't bitch about the past. I figure my pockets could use a little break after all these months and months of spending over some cheap ass whore. I know I don't need a girlfriend right now, but if Val wants to go out with me, I'll definitely go out with her cause I'll probably never have that chance again. I don't even know her that well but I just have that feeling about her. It's weird. I guess I can wait for her. Unless I find out that she doesn't really wanna be with me, and that's fine. No hard feelings. I wouldn't lose or gain anything anyway. Whatever. Bye.

10/03/03 - Let's see...I asked Val out on a date last monday, then I found out she's not ready to go out on dates cuz she jus got out of a relationship so I was like, "Okay, understandable, blah blah blah..." No big deal. I'm not in the mood to go out on dates either, but I just wanted to give it a try. I'm afraid to ask her out again. I'm not mad at her for anything, it's just that my timing was wrong and I was too quick. Oh well things happen for a reason. Now I know I'm really not in the mood. Well, at least I'm getting paid today and I can go drinkin' my life away with my boys. I might go shopping again, I figure I could get rid of all those clothes that I hate wearing and get some really nice ones. Shopping rules. Today seems like it's going to be a good day, but you never know. Something always has to fuck it up in the end. Well time to go. Peace.

09/28/03 - What's going on...it hurts when I breathe. Porbably cause smoking has taken its toll on me. Oh well. FUck it. There's this one girl that I really like and her name is Val. I'm kinda mad that she blocked my sn. I dunno why. I jus got her number and I wanna call her up but she probably won't answer. I guess she doesn't like me. Whatever. I gotta keep reminding myself that I don't want anybody in my life right now. Everyone betrays everyone. Life is shit, so live it up while you still can. Damn my lungs still hurt. I really need to stop smoking. I think I'm gonna call Val right now. I guess I'll give it a shot. Peace.

09/22/03 - Things are getting better...I'm liking the single life, because I don't have to put my time and energy into just one person and I can hang out with whomever I want. Yesterday I hung out with Missy and her friend. She's cool, she talks alot and she's funny. I like her, but not that way. She's just fun to hang out with. I'm so glad last weekend was over because I worked Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. It was okay though, cause I got to chill with people after work and it was fun. Today's my day off. Finally. I'm gonna spend my time relaxing and if anybody wants to chill, I'm up for it. I like this girl in my gym class, but for some reason after she started talking to me she just suddenly started ignoring me. It's weird, but whatever. If she doesn't wanna say hi to me, then I won't even bother either. I won't put anything into anybody who's not worth my time. But anyway....I like a couple other people, but I dunno. It seems impossible, but right now I don't really care. And I like not caring because it doesn't hurt me at all.

09/18/03 - Let me start this off on a good note. Everything is going back to normal, I guess. I'm getting better in choir, school is easy, I might be joining my friend Slip's band, I'm getting paid tomorrow, and I got to go to New York last night, which was fun. I like a couple of girls that I know, but I don't really want a girlfriend right now. I don't think I could deal with another one. Maybe when I'm ready...but for now I wouldn't mind dating without the seriousness involved. I can't let myself fall for anyone until I know it's ok to do so. But yeah, everything is going good. Well, it's time for a nap cuz I need one. Bye.

09/14/03 - Everytime I think about Holly, I shake my head in disappointment. It feels like it has been the longest week of my life. I still cannot believe what she did to me. A few days ago she called me and she told me she's not going out with this guy and she didn't wanna kiss him cause she told him she was still in love with me, (and I thought were gonna get back together) but then later on I find out she fucked someone else. I'm done dealing with liars. I left her a message saying, "I really don't want to see you anymore." And she hasn't called since. I've lost the motivation to start looking again. It doesn't seem like anyone is interested in me anyway. I don't think I have the heart for another relationship either. It still hurts me to know that someone I loved left me like I was nothing. She never even thought about my feelings. I'm broken. I hate thinking about her. Everytime I try to get rid of her in my head it just gets worse. She repulses me with every thought of her. Next time she says, "I love you," I'll simply hang up because I don't need to hear anymore lies. I've had more than enough of that. Ok. Back to the real world. I've been busting my ass off at work everytime and I really need a raise. Customers piss me off when they buy vegetarian shit and they don't have any manners. "Give me this" or "I want that." Shut the fuck up. I think my singing is getting better. I suck but I know I'm progressing. Tonight I have to study my music for tomorrow. It's gonna take my alot of practice. Well, that's it for today. Good bye.

09/09/03 - Now I've found out the real truth. Holly's going out with this guy and she's moving in with him. Wow, she is quick to replace me. After all this time I thought she loved me, but in the end she showed her true colors. Yesterday has been hell for me. It was the 2nd day that I didn't eat, I smoked so much to the point of vomiting, I laid down in the backyard talking to myself, saying random things like "I'm waiting for God to save me from this pain" and hoping I'd die when I fall asleep, then I sat in the side porch for hours until my legs lost their feeling. Then I went inside to sit in the couch with a black expression in my face, and shedding tears at the same time. I fell asleep after another hour, and I finally realized how worthless of my time Holly is after she called me around 10:30 at night. I was sad for another 5 minutes and suddenly I just felt so good about myself, which was weird. I guess I was happy I survived that day. I'm done with Holly and never again will I see her. Right now I'm single and I haven't found any potentials but that's fine since it's only been 4 days since we broke up. I guess Holly prepared herself before she broke up with me. Typical her. Selfish and immature. Well I'm off to find myself someone who's not conniving, deceitful, and untrustworthy. Good luck in the future.

09/07/03 - Let's see now....Holly broke up with me yesterday because 1)I have no car 2)She doesn't wanna be with me anymore 3)She only cares about herself 4)She's probably seeing other people. She left me with nothing. I've been in love with her for so long and all this time I've spent with her have been a waste. My life is hurting right now. I have no friends, so I have to call Landa cause she's one of few people who knows me well. I gotta go cry now. Bye.

07/07/03 - I feel like shit right now. Not like anything tragic has happened though. I'm just tired as fuck. Everyone's been pissing me off lately. This is what I've been doing: working, hanging out with my friends, sleeping, and fucking with my new cell phone. I'm trying to get some more girls' numbers so that when I'm not doing anything I can call em up so we could chill and shit. Me and Holly got back together again. I guess we're just attached to each other like that. She's on vacation and it's almost been a week since I haven't seen her. The only question I ask myself is, do I really need a g/f right now? Let's see...I have a job that I can support myself with and all I've been doing with my money is spending it on Holly everytime we hang out. I also spend them on cigarettes but I quit so scratch that. OK, I spend them on clothing too, which is the best thing to spend my money on. I love having new clothes cause it makes me feel good. Now that I have a cell phone, I have to take out $45 out of my paycheck for that. Hmm. It's worth it though. I like having people call me and shit. My emotions are pissing me off too. It's fucking confusing me. Why can't I just be satisfied with what the fuck I have....

06/25/03 - At the moment I feel broken. I feel like I've lost something that I value the most. I feel like crying. But I guess it's time to move on. It doesn't matter how much it hurts though. All I know is that everything will be fine. I accept the fact that things are meant to happen and they happen for a reason. I'm sad, but I'll be fine. I'm making alot of money on my next paycheck which is good. Since I don't have anyone to spend it on, I suppose I'll spend it on myself. I'm buying some new clothes. I'm still saving up for a car so I won't spend too much. I'm done with relationships for now. I don't think I have the energy to devote myself to another person that I'll end up breaking up with. I don't think I have anything in common with anyone in this world either. There's no one who doesn't give a fuck as much as I do. I guess I'm just too numb to this world. I don't give a fuck enough to know the reasons to anything, if that makes any sense. I just want to listen and play music. It helps me get away from it all. I probably have little chance of getting to where I want to be, but I'm driven enough to do anything it takes for me to get there, no matter what it is. When I first started playing guitar, I spent hours and hours of playing just so I could gain experience in the shortest time possible. In six months I was in a band. We would've gone somewhere if Ron or John didn't have to move away. That's when I suddenly lost my motivation for a while. But now I'm ready to play again. I need to set my priorities straight and shit. Well that's it for now. Fuck off.

06/24/03 - Well, I decided to write some shit cause I need to get some shit out. Anyway. I have about $750 saved up and I'm getting paid in 2 days. Great. On the other hand, I'm pretty much content with my life right now. I can support myself on my own, without having to ask my parents for anything. Today I worked from 5 till close. We didn't get out till 9:45 cause of some stupid shit. I wanna go call some of my other friends and chill with them cause seeing the same people everyday is not that exciting. I'm thinking of either calling Kat, Val, or Veronica. I hope one of them could chill with me. I wanna go chill with Marina but I'm thinking she works alot and whenever she's not working she probably has other plans. Oh well. Sex is getting boring. It feels good and everything, but I've done it too much that I'm starting to just not give a fuck if I'm horny or not. Yeah I guess I don't give a fuck. Life's too short to let people piss me off. Whenever someone pisses me off, I'll simply walk away because I don't need to put up with their shit. Either apologize or don't talk to me. I want to meet some new people. My friends are getting boring as hell. I'd hang out with Alberto anytime though. The guy's like my brother. I hate working for $6.25 an hour. I don't get enough money to fulfill my needs. I guess it's better than nothing though. Whenever I see people at the mall who do nothing but hang out and smoke outside the movie theaters, I feel lucky that I'm not one of them. Starting tomorrow, I'm gonna find some new people. The more friends I have, the more people on my side, and the more benefits I receive.

03/22/03 - I'm in love but the feeling is scary. Everything is going well, but is it really? I feel like I need someone to assure me that it's safe to do so. But I'm not sure if I really want to. I don't need to get my heart broken again. I'm sick of that shit. I hate drama. I don't want to love anyone even though I already do. I don't want to have these feelings anymore. I guess I'm just selfish like that. I've been thinking about joining the Air Force lately. I want to be able to fly jet planes and fuckin' fire missiles and shit. It sounds like so much fun. I just wanna gather all these fucking people(hippies, anti-war protesters, vegans, indians who think they're "gangsta", annoying losers) in one place and drop a bomb on them because they piss me off so much. I know you're with me on this one. I saw so many beautiful women pass by my job and alot of them bought food from us. I just wanna take them all home. lol. If I was god I'd fuck every hot girl I know every single day and I'd do that forever. Oh man, that'd be so fucking great.

03/21/03 - I went to school. The weather was good. I couldn't find anything else to wear so I wore one of my old clothing. I picked up Holly, then drove back home. We hung out for a bit, then had my mom drive us to the mall. I picked up my paycheck, I bought her cigarettes, she bought clothes, I bought clothes, then we went to the movies. It was fun. I need to buy some more clothes. I'll stop with this paycheck, then that's it. I'll start saving up for a car.

03/16/03 - My mom...does nothing but bitch all day. Every Sunday she does the most bitching. She bitches at my sister more than anyone else in the house. Well she does piss me off too to some extent. We get along just fine but she always does something to delay or fuck up my plans. My mom found so many things that proves that she smokes, but she's so stupid to believe her lies. Oh well. One day she won't be able to hide it anymore. As for me, I quit buying them so there's no chance that I'll be caught. I just wish my mom would shut the fuck up for one day. Well, it's nice outside so I'll prolly go out somewhere with Holly. I dunno if I could take her home though, considering that my parents are in a shitty mood. Oh well.

03/15/03 - I had a good day at work. Jamie was sick so he had to leave early, which means I took care of the grill, o yea. I'm probably not gonna see Holly the whole weekend because she just had a tooth surgery, but that's alright, I'll have time to see her again next week. Last week her friends ditched her, and she thought they were gonna come out of the movies so she could get a ride from them, but I knew that was bullshit, so I insisted on taking her home. It took me a while to convince, her but finally I did it. She was happy that I care about her alot, and for the first time she told me she loves me, which was a good feeling. I told her I love her too, but I'm not sure if I mean it because I'm afraid of getting hurt like last time. Right now, I refuse to get jealous at all or try not to care if she cheats on me, because I know it's her loss if she does, and I could just find somebody else. I do have feelings for her, however and it'd hurt if she did that. I just learned to deal with the fact that shit happens. I've emerged as a stronger and more independent person than ever before.

03/09/03 - It's a great day, indeed. I got my paycheck last Friday and I cashed it yesterday. It feels so great to have money. I got my haircut and bleached it afterwards. Then I got ready and went to work. I did so good at work. I did everything really fast and me and Jamie were killin' it left and right. Good shit. After work I hung out with Holly and we sat in the arcades and it was funny how the people who work there didn't tell us to get off. We just sat there for a long time. It was fun. I couldn't be any more grateful to have someone like her. Well I g2g peace.

03/06/03 - Ok, my band needs a little work, and if we practice more then we'll get some shit done. Today was fun. I smoked free weed with Lisa, then I drove. It was scary but so much fun. Everything was in slow motion, and it was like playing a videogame. I did good maintaining myself, as in nobody was able to tell except Lisa, Eman, and Jake since I smoked with them. It seems that things have been going well lately. Landa actually spoke to me, which I find amusing, but I couldn't say a word to her. I really have nothing to say to her. Maybe she made me really angry that it's scarred my mind.. I could give a rat's ass what she's doing right now. I have no remorse for someone like her. Anyway, enough of that. Tomorrow and Saturday I have work, which is good, and I might get my paycheck. Then Sunday, Holly is coming to church with me then we're gonna chill in downtown Metuchen afterwards. I'm glad I have someone like her. I couldn't be any more grateful. She makes me so happy and I know I have nothing to worry about. =]

02/27/03 - John finally left to NC. I went for a drive with him and alberto and went to lisa's house just like old times. I quit smoking last week but 2 days ago I smoked my last cigarette for John. We had some fuckin memories, like when we had a party and everyone got pissed drunk. Since I'm working now I'm saving up all the money so I could buy myself a car. I can't smoke anymore since it consumes up alot of my budget. I decided to quit and I have no desire to smoke which is really good. My relationship with Holly is going well also. We haven't had problems...hopefully never.

02/23/03 - John is getting kicked out by his parents. That fucking sucks. I owe the kid so much for helping me with alot of shit. Well, we're gonna get a shitload of people to ask his parents to give him another chance. Hopefully they'll let him stay. I'm gonna miss that fucker. It's really sad.

02/19/03 - I don't feel like going to Arts High tomorrow. I need to do like 8 sketches. I'm so screwed. Oh well. I got work on Friday but I get off at 8 then I have work on Saturday till closing. My job is so fun. I can't wait to get my first paycheck. I saw Allie and Lauren at the mall today. They both look hott.

02/11/03 - Holy shit. Today was so fucking fun. Wow I'm so fucking tired. I wish things would stay this way for a long fucking time. Amazing shit.

02/03/03 - Just when I thought Saturday was fun, Sunday was even better. Haha. Holly's awesome. Ouch, my neck hurts.

02/02/03 - Saturday was so much fun. I chilled with Holly at her house and then went to the mall later that night. I want to go out with her but we're both not sure, I guess. Well she's got everything I ever wanted and she's the nicest person to me who never even came close to pissing me off. She helped me get out of my depression so I'm happy.

01/25/03
Shai Hulud - "Love is the Fall of Every Man"
I stand on the edge of destruction emotionally ruined by the warmth I most desire. I will not fall prey to love of a human kind, for love is weakness. Love is the fall of every man. Take this heart you've claimed and as it numbs your hands, know the flame is dead and will no longer burn. This body will never pain again. This mind knows no wound. Though I am of flesh, this flesh will not consume me, as it has destroyed so many before. This body will never pain again. This mind knows no wound. The flame is dead, left only with ashes of memories that renew faith in hate, and my faith in myself. Nothing can break me. This heart remains free from the burden of love. Yet this heart will be sustained. No hope. No compassion. I fill my heart with strength!

01/19/03 - Holy shit. Triple c's are fun. I took them at 3:45, then I talked to my friend Wayne and met up with him at Exxon then we got fucked up on our way to the mall. So I was basically trippin' the whole time at the mall while Wayne was stoned off his ass and I had to get a few of my friends to help me out. Joe ate my spaghetti, that bastard. Then I had to call my sister to come get me so she came and we walked to sam's house and I don't remember how I got there LoL. I finally got home at around 11, after deciding that I was finally sober.

01/04/03 - John's New Year's Eve party was fun as hell. Everyone who came in got wasted. I knew I was gonna have to sleep over because there were alot of alcohol, so I brought in my pajamas, a shirt, and an extra pair of boxers. Haha. We were up all night, and we even took out this dude's truck and went to woodbridge at 4 AM to eat. I got a little pissed because my spaghetti took too long. Anyway we went back to John's at 5 AM and tried to sleep but it didn't work. I ended up sleeping past 6 and woke up at about 9. Then we took out the truck again and went out for a pizza. Then we came back, chilled for a while, and I got home at around 2. That was it.