"Fuck You"(10/05/02):
Whenever I feel so high
Something has to bring me down
I had enough of this fight
What goes around, comes around
Fuck you and your lies
You deserve to die on this ground
Never to see the light
Never to hear the sound
Of the music I used to play for you
Played my strings and took me for a fool
Left me in my useless misery
In the end that's how you'll always be
And I'll always stay the same
Playing the game fair and square
You have a nice fake smile
One way to lead to your demise
As you slip away from it all
I lose my grip and let you fall
Six feet under where you belong
Now freedom rings and I sing this song
Down this road where I'll never go wrong

"Poem 26"(02/01/02):
I could go on another day
Without your existence
It's satisfying, as it is
No more cares, no more worries
No more fucking lies
You were the love I truly cherished
that became the epitomy of disgust
All ties have been broken
as they should've been before
Now I can finally sleep
Without these nightmares of you
You couldn't live with the guilt
So you smashed it all to pieces
Hope you're happy with your decision
Your true colors have shown
How does it feel to come out of hiding?
I'll be happy enough to hurt you
As you have sliced my wrists
and lost the blood that pumps my heart
Then you say my heart is cold
Are you proud of what you've done?
I can only live with a forced smile
Until I find reciprocated love
And another day without you.

"Poem 25"(01/18/03):
These thoughts reflect the sight of you. This love endures the feelings undesired. I wish I never cared at all. Bless the pills that make me immune from this sickness. Hate the fact that it will all come crashing down. I seek the death of this memory. When will I lose my strength and fall in the darkness? I'm paralyzed by my will. I wish I could cut my own heart out. It's only unfortunate I fear opposing myself. Let go of the fucking burden. Fuck it all. It doesn't fucking matter. Fucking hell. Free yourself if that makes you happy. Don't fucking concern yourself over mine.
It's the only thing I could think of.

"Alone With This"(12/10/02):
I feel so alone in this world
To the devil I'd soul my soul
Just so I could be with you
But this love wouldn't be true

It wouldn't feel right
This sadness plagues me every night
And extracts the tears from my eyes
I could only ask God, "Why?"

For days I've suffered miserably
So I look in the mirror and see,
Alot has changed in me
This is not how I wanted it to be

How much more of this can I take
I need a way to escape
There's nothing I could do
I have no one to turn to

When will this pain go away?
To this useless "God" I can only pray
to feel the joys of life again
with an angel from heaven.[FUCK YOU]

"I Refuse"(11/31/02):
No, I refuse to be hateful
No matter how much I hate
everything in this world right now
I'll hide the pain and smile
Only in my sleep will I
live this nightmare
I refuse to let it drown me
But let it disappear
from my memory
Your image makes my heart bleed
Stab my heart and throw it away
Suck all the poison you poured
in my veins
And leave me here forever
All I asked was for you
To do the same for me
I've lost my desire to feel,
To feel this way for anyone
But I can't let it stop me
I won't let it get in my way
I'll walk down this lonely road
and fulfill my dreams
No matter how hard it may seem
I'll do whatever it takes
And I'll never die until I get there.

"Not Enough Tears"(11/29/02):
How long must I endure this
Will I ever find your kiss again?
This is not how I wanted it to be.
I've shed too much tears already
But not enough to ease the pain.
Please don't tell me it's the end
We still have time to mend
I only want to be with you
If only you could be with me,
and me alone
I'd be in eternal heaven.
How I want to break down in tears
In this moment I've always feared.
You're always on my mind
I can't live alone, without you
In my life, nor can I die
With this sadness living in me
Only with you I can be free.

"Unbelievable Story"(10/11/02):
Never in my life
Had I felt so alive
Have I truly found peace
That's embedded in your kiss?

It seems as if I'm in a dream
Gaining what I call a "self-esteem"
But still I'm not satisfied
When this internal conflict
won't lay down and die,
The truth behind the cries

But in time you'll know
The reason for my sorrow
Still it plagues me every night
But I can't accept this fact
I'm willing to fight
And that's what I'm lacking
A will to live, a faith to believe

Now I live in this
Temporary bliss
No longer do I feel pessimistic
Suicidal thoughts and emptiness
Here I stand in all my glory
An unbelievable story

I just wonder when
this story will end
The day I'd call my worst
When I lose you,
The one I love the most.

"Forget About Her"(08/08/02):
Give me a reason why
I should apologize
You plague my mind
And it hurts inside
This feeling I can't fight
I cannot hide

This pain I can't take
Nothing more to say
This mold I can't break
I can't break away
Fuck you anyway

Agonized me
Tortured me
Destroyed me
Angered me

I live to love and hate
In my heart I sit and wait
I don't believe in fate
You're too late to help me

I've never felt so strange
No way out of this cage
Where's the end of this page
Just turn the fucking page

"Drained of Feeling"(08/04/02):
Walk away from what we never had
The results have always been sad
I'll pack my shit and go away
Forget the things you've said to me
Just fuck me with my agony
Leave me undying misery

Whip my back as hard as you can
Take a look at these bloody hands
They don't commit the sins you make
They take every fucking thing you hate

What's the easiest way to die
If only I knew how to cry
I crave for love that's never there
When all I could find is despair
I can't take more of your pity
I just want you to fucking love me

Show me the way to my grave
There's nothing here for you to save
I'm too weak to carry this weight
Let me die and reincarnate

"Stuck"(08/01/02):
I need some time to breathe in this place
Go away so I could hide my face
I can't help but bear this sick feeling
Lying down staring at the ceiling

My situation is so damn wrong
Haven't seen happiness for so long
I wonder when I'll find peace again
What I feel is just hard to explain

So angry and depressed in my mind
These thoughts are killing me inside
My heart shatters just thinking of you
It's something I don't wanna go through
anymore...

I need your comforting sweetness
So pleasant and flawless
I'd kill to caress
So easy to digest
Removes my distress

"The Aftermath of Alcohol"(07/21/02):
I can't help but wonder about
Why my world revolves around you
It's just sad how it turned out
Your words were never true

You're the one I'd die for
And wanting nothing back
Give me something to ignore
this unacceptable fact

Let me take a sip of this
To numb the pain of my heart
And forget about the kiss
I regretted on my part

No longer do I care
If it's the end of me
You were never there, to see
What I wanted us to be

I can only give, what I can
And it seems,
I have nothing left to offer
Just understand
That life goes on, and so will I

"Goodbye Letter"(07/17/02):
Verse 1:

I can't bring myself to say, "I love you,"
The most painful words
I'm not sure if you feel the same way too
Not from what I've heard

Chorus:

How much more can I endure
From everything that's burning
Where can I find the cure
To prevent myself from longing

Verse 2:

My heart needs to die
since I can't take it anymore
I can't stare into your eyes
like the way I did before

Chorus:

How much more can I endure
From everything that's burning
Where can I find the cure
To prevent myself from longing

Verse 3:

Drinking from this bottle
is my only escape
and when I say, "Farewell,"
I'll forever lose...my soul mate

Chorus:

How much more can I endure
From everything that's burning
Where can I find the cure
To prevent myself from longing

"Realization"(07/13/02):
Verse 1:

Let me take a day off from reality
My body's weakening from yesterday
But home is not a good place to be
Maybe I just need an enlightment

Chorus:

I guess that's life
Fighting through every day struggles
The pain makes time pass slowly by

Verse 2:

Thinking of you makes me feel uneasy
Like a sick feeling in my stomach
Only you could make it disappear
But you chose to let me suffer

Chorus:

I guess that's life
Fighting through every day struggles
The pain makes time pass slowly by

Verse 3:

It's hard to hide my love when it's strong
Knowing it's a waste is agonizing
You're necessary for my survival
But I guess I'm not for yours

Only this song can bring me comfort
Only this song can help me accept that

Chorus:

I guess that's life
Fighting through every day struggles
The pain makes time pass slowly by

"Apathetic"(07/11/02):
Verse 1:

Love. What I can no longer offer
I'm tired of having emotions
I just want to fuck her
Without proceeding with caution

Chorus:

This is what's left of me
A man who doesn't care
No longer on his knees
Begging for a piece of her hair

Verse 2:

I only want pleasure from you
Don't expect me to fall in love
I'm just not in the mood
To have my heart broken in two

Chorus:

This is what's left of me
A man who doesn't care
No longer on his knees
Begging for a piece of her hair

Verse 3:

I have nothing more to lose
Now that you're out of my mind
But I want you to have this rose
To let you know I'm doing just fine

Chorus:

This is what's left of me
A man who doesn't care
No longer on his knees
Begging for a piece of her hair

"Danielleka"(07/06/02):
Our second encounter was a time
I'll hold precious in my memories
Like an expensive piece of jewelry
It means more to me than life itself

It was a night when death couldn't separate us
I've felt your hair again; so soft, it is
With my arms I held you tightly
And kissed your neck with undying affection

My body trembled with hunger then
And with your love, you fed me
Even if it was only for one night, I knew,
I had to make it my greatest experience

I've helped you commit a horrible crime
Unforgivable to the eyes of others
But none of it mattered anymore
For once I've never felt so whole

The feeling was just unexplainable
When our lips met, tongues licked each other
It was the longest kiss and also the sweetest
Human nature at its best

You gave me everything willingly
And for that, I am grateful
In the future I hope to see you again
"Goodbye," I said, and she was gone.

Poem 22(07/03/02):
I ignored your warning,
My friend, so here I lie
Helpless in my bed
Weeping under the pillow

I've felt what hurts the most
Tearing me apart from all sides
They're my victims seeking revenge
Laughing with joy as they pull the rope

Love has abandoned me
And so I did the same
I thought I'd become stronger
It made me weaker than before

I fell for their trap and now I have to escape
From what pain has in store for me
But I won't give up my ways
I refuse the feelings of hate and love

Poem 21(07/01/02):
Today's when I stopped
Looking for love
I seek pleasure
and to give pain
to those who deserve it

Behind my innocent face
Lies my evil intentions
The lips you find attractive
Would surely meet yours
if you let yourself slip

When you fall
I'll be here to catch you
But there's a price to pay
To experience the aftermath
of a painful heartbreak

I don't need a lover
I'll stay here for the night
When you close your eyes
I'll fade into the darkness
And move on to my next victim

Poem 20(06/28/02):
You were always in my thoughts
A place where you never left me
For this I'm punished with agony
And you ended up crushing me

It's funny how the wind
Never blows in my direction
It sweeps my heart away
And steals my emotions

I hate myself for not hating you
Slowly, it eats me alive
Smiling as if nothing's happened
I hide my feelings for you

Last night I felt death's hand
Pulling me under the soil
My soul resides on a new body
Life starts over again

Poem 19(06/10/02):
Why I gave in so quickly
It's something I deeply regret
You helped me overcome
my previous adversary
But I'm fighting a new battle
and my wounds have not yet
recovered to its full potential
You are the enemy
that I wish to be my friend
Please don't leave me by myself
Stay here and converse
Your heart I ask to receive
or mine will die like the leaves
that fall during cold winters
It's a new beginning for us
I hope it doesn't end right away
My emotions are pouring
like the blood in my veins
I beg you not
to slice my wrist
and end the life
I dedicated to you

Poem 18(06/02/02):
I can feel the sweat in my hands
As they are clenched tightly
So frustrated, I am
I've lost track of time
Never thought it would last this long

I can feel the sweltering heat on my neck
As sweat pours down my skin
So uncomfortable, it is
I've preferred emotion over logic
Never expected it to be this tragic

I can feel the filth in my body
As it brings discoloration to my heart
So soiled, I am
I've become the essence of disgust
And she's not here to cleanse my spirit

I can feel the loneliness deep down
As it extracts the tears from my eyes
So pathetic, it is
I've turned away from the truth
And the repercussions were unbearable

Should I hold on to my will
And hope for my goddess' love?
Should I go back to the way it was
To the solitary life of searching
something worth living for?

Poem 17(05/23/02):
This is something I've anticipated
For the longest time
When I found her with him,
Her knight and shining armor
And my heart's still hiding in the darkness
As we came face to face
The burning desire intensifies
To the point of emotional outburst
It's the day I've feared the most
When suffering can hardly be contained
Just when I thought love disappeared
Once again came back to torment me
These unmended wounds became too deep
That the bottom cannot be seen
And the dreams I've created changed
Into a monster who intends to destroy me
An inevitable event such as this
Finally made me realize
That feelings of affection cannot be ignored
My goddess has punished me again.

Poem 16(05/10/02):
How much more must I sacrifice
So I can touch your dainty hands?
It seems as if it won't be possible
Chances are getting slimmer as time passes by
Being a friend is just not enough
It's sad how you haven't known for so long
Still trying to keep hopes high
Even though I know
The disappointment will be overbearing
My heart's already torn apart
Trying to put the pieces back together
This passion keeps the blood flowing
and the heart to keep beating
Not letting the hapless reality enter my thoughts
Soon my love will fade away to nothing
Then everything that I am
Will be as cold and lifeless as a statue

Poem 15(04/18/02):
Sacrificed the world to you
My goddess, this love is true
Dedicated for your satisfaction
Are you real or just my imagination?

We were in the same dream
A place where you reign supreme
Not knowing the illusion that makes me blind
Limited pleasure that makes reality unkind

Most powerful when your presence is felt
Your departure took away all that's left
Now I must live in shame
Curse the day you came

Never had the opportunity to open myself to you
All this time it made me a fool
But wherever you are, I must profess
That I love you, my dear goddess.

Poem 14(03/07/02):
I've lost my mind
Life is not kind
You changed my life
Now I feel strife

This is not fair
But I don't care
I still love you
Am I a fool?

Listen to me
Now where were we?
What did I gain
From all this pain?

Talk to me please
I'm not at ease
What's this I feel?
Is this for real?

Poem 13(03/05/02):
I cannot see
I've lost my sight
Where did you go?
Gone forever.

Left here for dead
Nothing was gained
I still survived
Can't believe it.

Wasting my time
It's getting cold
I can't stop now
Keep on going.

You tore me down
Destroyed my home
But I'm still here
Burnt by your fire.

Poem 12(02/17/02):
Inner peace
I can never find
Tormented
By internal conflicts
This taste has left me
Feeling bitterness
Just like you left me
Here for dead
Can't believe I survived
I've lost myself
Now I'm drifting
To the land of nowhere
I close my eyes
That shed these tears
Just want to kill
These thoughts forever
I don't need this anymore
When I've lost my reason
This hole is too much
For me to comprehend
But I don't care anymore
Nothing else matters now
Remove me from my
existence.

Poem 11(02/10/02):
These thoughts
Cloud my mind
I can never
Put them into words
This head hurts
From the mental anguish
That you've supplied me
Hitting myself
To shake off the pain
Another moment
Of misery
Can't remember
Where I am
Lost in suffering
No one can help
Not even "God"
Because no one
Understands.

Poem 10(02/04/02):
This day
Has hurt me the most
Realized my chances
Are slim to none
Life has been
Hard for me
I can still survive
But I'd feel
Empty inside
Things have changed
For the worse
I know it's my fault
Falling for you
I could have
Averted it
But these feelings
Are too strong
I let them
Take over
I scream at the sky
And look down
At the ground
Tears are shed
Can't believe this
Harsh reality.

Poem 9(02/03/02):
Can't believe how
I still have my will
To live
This empty space
I cannot fill
Hopelessness
Rises up in me
Lost my confidence
Pain has numbed
My feelings
Stuck in this body
Scarred by sin
Hope is seen
In the distance
Almost fading away
I run for my life
So I can catch you,
My love.

Poem 8(02/02/02):
This life
Is a puzzle
Missing one piece
Searched all over
The place
Can't find the one
That fits
Finally found it
But something
Is in the way
Can't get past
The obstacle
I'm biding my time
Until I find a way
To get you,
My missing piece.

Poem 7(02/01/02):
Exquisite simplicity
Unobtrusive beauty
Your presence
Is my bliss
Your absence
Is my sorrow
Can't help but realize
The painful reality
That's been given to me
Burns a hole in my chest
But I'm trying my best
I don't want
To feel this way
Forever
I want
To let you know
I'll never let you down.

Poem 6(01/29/02):
Another day of sorrow
Signs of portents follow
It's already miserable
Why am I doing this?
Agonizing myself for you?
It's not easy
To keep living
While I suffer alone
Because of you
Don't worry
It's not your fault
But mine.
I feel crucified
Hands and feet nailed down
Waiting for this pain to end
No reason to die now
I don't care
How long this will take
You're the veins in my skin
I'll never let you bleed.

Poem 5(01/26/02):
It's been a long day
A desolate feeling
Creeps inside of me
Can I still go on
And torture myself
Waiting for you to come?
Still trying to hold on
Overcome my impatience
With your presence
Can't wait for the day
That I'm able
To open up to you.

Poem 4(01/24/02):
I don't know why
I gave myself to you
You never gave anything back
Guess I'm just too nice
Sacrifices that I've made
Time that I've wasted
Pain that I've endured
Gave that all up
For a little piece of you
It's okay though
Because they say
It's better to give
Than to receive
I guess.

Poem 3(01/19/02):
I've realized that
You torture me inside
I'm not sure
If I could hide anymore
I don't want to change
I'd rather stay the same
I hate this
Unpleasant fate
Picture's worth a thousand words
If only I could show you mine

Poem 1(01/17/02):
I lie down to think
And imagine you are here
Your pretty face
Is like a sculpture
Carved inside my mind
Your soft voice
I can feel it whispering
In my ear
These thoughts
Are slowly killing me
Help me recover
From my injury
Please be my remedy

Poem 2(01/17/02):
It's hard to understand
Why life treats me this way
Should I believe in "God" again
And pray for better days?
He was never there for me
No reason to go back
And repeat the endless cycle
It's time to move on
And let the raft take me
To the land I've been searching for