The Ceremony
The following was taken from actual FBI
recordings of an actual induction ceremony involving actual
members of an actual crime family also known as "La Cosa
Nostra" (literally"You pluck my nose hairs and I will
pluck yours")
July 26,
1995 in the basement of a residence at 1267 Cherry Hill Drive in
Bensonhurst, New York. FBI Agent Ercole "Can you hear me?
Is this thing on?" Guiadosi secretly set up a public address system
as well as 120 chairs but only 5 men showed up. Disquised as Sal Minella's
Deli the FBI set
up surveillance and also catered the affair. Agent Ercole's
swedish meatballs were a hit as well as Agent Nino's crab cakes.
Agent Nino prepares for Operation
Miracle Ear "Is this On?"
Agent Echo contemplating his recipe
for Swedish Meatballs "Gosh, I hope I made enough!"
In the
beginning of the tape you hear a sound check. "testing
testing" and footsteps leading to the microphone.
CARMINE: Today we are all here to bring in new
members into our family, this thing of ours. Start a new
beginning and hopefully your Clam Sauce will taste better,
Capisce?
Clams from Umbertos
JOSEPH "Paper Cut" Ronzoni: I apologize. My high blood
pressure and blood sugar and neuropathy and this isn't gonna hurt
is it?
CARMINE: Philly? Youse wanna say somethin'?
PHIL:
In Onore della famiglia la famiglia e' aperta. (in honor of the
family the family is open and later on my wife has coffee and
pizzelles she made as well Sal Minella's Deli on Mulberry Street.
CARMINE: Thank youse Fat Philly. Today we
induct into our family and open the books to Antonio Arturo
Francis Alberto Sinatra Anthony Peter Mary Mother Joseph Ronzoni
and also we open the books to Cicco Ciccolini. By the way, nice
work Cicco on the Union negotiations and local 289. Sally Balls
said youse got a mean swing.
PHIL: In order to belong to us to be a part
of this, you must have truth and trust. Do you each have that?
JOSEPH and CICCO: Yes.
CARMINE: Have you seen "Goodfellas",
"Casino", and every movie starring Pacino, DeNiro and
Pesci?
JOSEPH AND CICCO: Yes
CARMINE: If called upon by a member to defend
the acting talents of Sylvester Stallone, would you do so?
JOSEPH and CICCO: Yes.
PHIL:
Joseph, do you have any brothers?
JOSEPH: Two.
PHIL: Cicco do you have any brothers?
CICCO: No. But I have a half-brother
who lives in OakGrove. He is Auti-, you know that thing that
Dustin Hoffman had in Rainman...
CARMINE: Autistic!
CICCO: Yeah, that there. Only you
don't want him in this thing of ours, he'd have a hard time
fittin' in.
PHIL:
Joseph, if I told you your brother was wrong, he's a rat, he's
gonna do one of us harm, you'd have to kill him. Would you do
that for me, Joseph?
JOSEPH: Yes.
CICCO: Yes. (muffled noises)
Hey didn't youse guys see "Rainman"? My brother's a
pain in the ass and that OakGrove Institution don't come cheap.
PHIL: Joseph and Cicco, you are aware of the
severity of this thing of ours?
BOTH: Yes.
PHIL:
Do you want it badly? Desperately? Your mother's dying in bed and
you have to leave her because we called on you.
CICCO: Hey, uh not for nothin' but
you know my mother's dead. I mean you was at the funeral Phil.
JOSEPH: Yeah, and my mother hasn't been feeling
too well lately. She's always complaining about the gout and
blood pressure and ..
PHIL: (getting impatient) OK OK!
Let's say someone you are very close to is dying, your child or
your wife, and we call you. It's an emergency. You have to leave.
Could you do that, Joseph?
CICCO: How about Joe's sister? She's a
nun, I mean is that what you mean?
Silence. Then a fight seems to break out
between Joseph and Cicco with muffled sounds and a few audibles
such as "My sister is a Holy Catholic Nun, youse wanna whack
out nuns?" "I was tryin' to be helpful here!"
"I got cher helpful right here pal!".
Joe's sister, Sister Pugnatious, St.
Paul's Cathedral, Boston
PHIL:
Are you two
Gafoones finished?
JOSEPH: Could it be my
wife Theresa? I mean no disrespect but she's as big as a house
now and you know how Theresa's always axing questions and Madron
with that temper of hers........
(At this time you can hear Phil
hollering in Italian, very muffled, It sounds as if he is
swearing, alot of "Madre's" and "Padre's".)
PHIL: Cicco, would you leave, could you do
that?
(silence)
CICCO: Do what? (silence) You know, I
don't mean to be rude, but you kinda lost me back there, could
you repeat the question?
PHIL:
If you were asked
by us to sleep with Kaye Ballard, my old flame, whom I love and adore would you do so?
JOSEPH and CICCO: Yes.
PHIL: Can you name every Frank Sinatra song?
JOSEPH and CICCO: Yes.
PHIL:
Do the Yankees stand a chance at winning the World Series next
year?
JOSEPH and CICCO: Yes.
PHIL: If you were called upon to commit a
crime, no matter how dangerous would you do so?
JOSEPH and CICCO: Yes.
PHIL: If you were a contestant on
"Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and used up all your
lifelines, would you give Regis a beatin' 'till he told youse the
right answer?
JOSEPH and CICCO: Yes.
PHIL:
And that is your
final answer?
JOSEPH and CICCO: Yes.
PHIL: Alright! This is what you want. We're
the best people. I'm gonna make you part of this thing. Carmine?
CARMINE: Joseph and Cicco, We're gonna baptize
you again. You were baptized when you were a baby. Your parents
did that. But now this time we gonna baptize you. Repeat after me.
I Joseph/Cicco want to enter into this organization. To protect
my family. Regardless of how much Doubleday or Crown books would
advance me, I swear not to divulge this secret. And to obey with
love. And omerta . Cicco, which finger do you pull the trigger
with?
CICCO: My left....wait a second, my right...No that's not right...my
left..my right...left, right.....Ok Ok, I got it....my right. I
think.
(Carmine pricks Cicco finger
several times, he just couldn't seem to draw enough blood.
Finally managing to drip blood on a holy picture card, St.
Francis of Assisi, a rare and more expensive card in the Catholic
Saint series. Very popular with collectors and Trade Shows. He
then sets the card on fire and directs him to shift the paper
from hand to hand as it burns.)
CARMINE: Put your hands like me. As burns the
saint so will burn my soul. I enter live into this organization.
And I will have to get out dead. That's the Don Capodecina Vito
Gambino. Pete is Capodecina. Philly is apodecina. Tito is
capodecina. Madron! Philly get me the bactine, ouch! That burns.
Vito Gambino
Congratulations.
Now youse can kiss everybody.. you do not reveal any secrets of
this organization. To the rest of the world this does not exist.
No matter how many movies Martin Scorsese makes. Everybody fights
this thing. They call it Cosa Nostra,"I trim your nosehairs
and you trim mine", or Mafia, meaning "You left the
water on stupid", this started in Sicily. They all got
together because there was alot of abuse to the family, the wives
and children, and it provided a cheap excuse to be away from the
Mother-In-Laws.
The old
timers, the mustache Pete's said let's make an organization in
America. That was how we were able to recognize one another. By
the mustache. Especially the older women. In fact my grandfather
was inducted by the Smith Brothers, the lozenge tycoons. Their
real names were Vito and Franco Smittiliano.
PHIL: That's true. And my grandfather was a
meager violin builder from the old country. The infamous ZZ
Topiterrelli. If it hadn't of been for this thing of ours the
Philharmonic would've driven him out of the city.
DON PROGRESSO: (aka "Sauce Man"; "The
Tomato" "Killer Progresso" "Mr. P" ;
Salvatore "how does this taste to you" Progresso.
Notorious Organized Crime leader. Head of the Progresso Family
from Brooklyn/Queens Astoria.): Fat Philly is right. If it
hadn't of been for our forefathers we'd have been sent back to
the old country. This is very sacred, "La Cosa Nostra".
Here, Carmine taste this mayonnaise. Does it taste right to you?
CARMINE: Madon! No offense Don Progresso, I'm a
little bit insulted you would bring your own sandwich to an event
as this.
DON PROGRESSO: Taste this, before I whack you myself.
Cicco we welcome you into the family. Arrividerci roma! ay mambo
Italiano et tu caesar bono natale! Ah Salud!
(At this time all the men stand in a
circle and practice the Italian Salute. Out stretching one arm
and placing the opposite arm horizontal on top of forearm with a
quick movement saying over and over "Salud! Salud! Salud!")
CARMINE: Let's do the right thing. You make a
mistake, you gotta pay.
PHIL: "All over the world!"
(The latter part of the ceremony was never
completed for Joseph Ronzoni, who subsequently suffered a nervous
breakdown and is reportedly living in a Maytag appliance box off
132nd and Roxbury. Convinced he is Connie Francis he spends his
time serenading pedestrians.)
Joe Ronzoni before
his breakdown
END
