Does
Irritable Bowel Syndrome run in your family? Wouldn't hurt to
find out.......
BUTTS ACROSS AMERICA
Who Cut The Cheese?
It's true. As
Dr. Harry Butz from the Institute of Behavoural Science. He and
intern Dr. A.S.Hole have conducted extensive studies.
"How You
Fart" not only reveaLs who you are butt they also reveal
what you ate for supper. Many Rabbi's, Catholic Priests and even
the Buddhist use this technique in sanctioning marriages. Faster
than you can say Starbucks, Fartune tellers are springing up all
over the country in Malls and at country fairs everywhere. What's
their secret? How can put this knowledge to use for YOU?
VAIN:
A
person who loves the smell of his
own farts.
AMIABLE:
A person who loves the smell of other people's farts.
PROUD:
person who thinks his farts are extremely decent.
SHY:
A person who releases silent farts then blushes.
IMPUDENT:
Person who farts out loud and then laughs.
UNFORTUNATE
A person who tries awfully hard to fart but shits instead.
SCIENTIFIC:
A person who farts regularly and is concerned about pollution.
NERVOUS:
A person who stops in the middle of his fart.
HONEST
A person who admits he farted but offers good medical reasons.
DISHONEST:
A person who farts and then blames the dog.
FOOLISH:
A person who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.
THRIFTY:
A person who has several good farts in reserve.
ANTI-SOCIAL:
A person who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.
STRATEGIC:
A person who conceals his farts with loud coughing.
SADISTIC:
A person who farts in bed and fluffs the cover over his bedmate.
INTELLECTUAL:
A person who can determine from the smell of his neighbor's fart
precisely the last food item consumed.
ATHLETIC:
A person who farts at the slightest exertion.
MISERABLE:
A person who would truly love to, butt can't fart at all.
SENSITIVE:
A person who farts and then starts crying
PRECIOUS
KODAK MOMENT............................
My daughter's First Fart
Herman
& Martha Nombedado
Legend of the Old Fart
Herman
and Martha were happily married for nearly forty years. The only
friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of
breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.
The noise would always wake up Martha and the smell would cause
her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly
every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the
morning. Herman told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him
to visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the
husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a
natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as
she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him
that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he
was one day going to "fart his guts out".
The years went by and Martha
continued to suffer and Herman continued to ignore her warnings
about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas
morning. Before dawn, Martha went downstairs to prepare the
family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy
and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's
innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve
her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she
placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs
hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was
still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently
pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of
the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up,
replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish
preparing the family meal.Several hours later she heard Herman
awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed
by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as
her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. Martha could not
control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on
the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had
finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, Herman came
downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror
in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked
him what was the matter. "Honey," he said. "You
were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to
you".
"What do you mean?" asked Martha. "Well you always
told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days
and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these
two fingers, I think
I got 'em all back in."
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