The Mugger
As our population increases so do the
chances that this crime will rear it's ugly head.
Worry no more!
Instead of carrying a dangerous firearm
which could back fire and hurt YOU, carry a $20 bill and
pretend to recognize your attacker(s). Say things like
"Hey, I know you. (laugh) God, how have you
been? Hey here's that $20 I owe you...Gotta go! I'm late
for the Policeman's ball. In an instant an ugly scene is
avoided and not only have you left a career criminal
confused, but you both have a story you can tell
your grandchildren for years to come.
Home-Invasion Robbery
"Breaking
& Staying for Breakfast"
When confronted by an
armed robber in your home, stay calm.
Invite him in with small talk.
"Hey can you stay for
some tea and toast?" That sort of thing. It is
important to make him feel at home. Share photos of your
family,
Ask him if he'd like tickets to the Policeman's Ball next
week. It is crucial you gain his confidence.
THEN break out the toaster and
bread. Insist he try out your new bathtub (it also helps
to have bath salts/bubble bath on hand. While they are
soaking in the tub, plug the toaster in the bathroom
socket and drop the toaster INTO the bathtub. Ouila!
Another poached Robber. Ha Ha! And he thought he
was having toast! Be sure and call the police right after
this happens. My friend Philly did this and was so
busy calling all his friends to boast about what he did 7
hours went by before he called the cops. He was almost
indicted for Murder. Can you believe it?
CAR JACKING
ALWAYS surrender the vehicle. But not
before mentioning that your brakes just failed. Comments
like "Yeah, take it. I've got 8 outstanding
warrants and that thing with that 14 year old
isn't helping me." Another thing that works is
"My gas gauge doesn't work . Just keep filling it up.
That sucker really fools you." If you can ask them
to drop you off at the Policeman's Ball even better.
Don't insist though, only if it's on the way.
STORE
ROBBERY
Always carry a $20 bill. Pretend
you work for a famous Rapper or Movie Star (Bruce Willis?)
and you are looking to hire a bodyguard to start at
a six-figure salary. Don't forget to mention health
benefits. This happened to my friend Philly when he used
to work for Steven Segal. In fact he was able to
delay the robber long enough for the police to arrive.
Phil felt so bad for the robber that he wrote him at the
Prison for years. In fact Phil said he will be
getting out in May. Just in time for the Annual
Policeman's Ball.
NOTE: Again Jewelry Heists are tricky. These guys are
professionals. Instead of $20, be sure and carry at least
$500. You don't want to embarrass yourself.
Philly's
Uncle Remo Gooloo
PHARMACY
HOLD-UPS
If you are an Innocent Bystander
then strategy should be
applied. If however you are a pharmacist don't
bother with the tickets to the Policeman's Ball. It
never seems to work with pharmacys. GIVE UP THE
DRUGS! In fact give him all the drugs, but
try and stash a few for your own personal use. Better
yet, offer to do the drugs with him.
Lock-up early and invite him to join you in the back for
some coffee and Vicodin Shooters. If nothing else
you'll make a friend. Avoid using words like "recovery"
and "12 step program". He may catch on. This
actually happened to my friend Philly 's Uncle
Gooloo before he lost his Pharmacy License in Rochester.
Uncle "What
the %&$* is this" Vito
PIZZA
DELIVERY ROBBERY
If delivering a pizza and you are
confronted by an armed
robber by all means GIVE HIM THE PIZZA. In fact give him
the keys to the '78 Gremlin. Be polite and offer your
uniform and if he asks about tickets to the
Policeman's Ball convince him he wouldn't really
wanna go. Those tickets are hard to come by and you
don't want to give 'em away like candy.
NOTE:
I really didn't want to put this last one in. My
friend Philly asked me to. I think his
new job at UncleVito's Pizza and Gun Shop is making him
paranoid. - nm '99
(c)
Suggestions? Need
Tickets to the Policeman's Ball? E-Mail Officer Fat Sally 
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