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| The other day my college was having some recruitathon for the little campus cliques and such. Most of the frats were trying to pull in a few puppets, a few campus clubs (including the Campus Light Ministries group that seems to be attempting to take over American colleges), and a scary looking man passing out Gideon New Testaments. The thing is, these Gideon bastards come out every chance they get--or so it seems. I don’t mind someone offering me a Bible, as long as they don’t mind me offering one of my numerous copies of "Freethought Today" or something from Atheists of America. Actually, I don’t normally carry said material around with me, as such, the occasions that I have actually offered it are few. At any rate, it bugs the hell out of me that these guys come to my college and try to snag a few minds with that terrible mind-killing hook, the Bible. I don’t mind because it’s wrong or against the law, it is neither. I mind because it’s rude. I have more Bibles at home than the Pope, as it is. If I or anyone else feels the need to grab a free Bible, I or anyone else can take the time to get on the Internet and request a free one from one of the countless websites trying to pimp Jesus to the populace, snatch one from any hotel around the country (the Gideons have been to all of them!), call one of those numbers that pop up on the television once a week or so--or take out an old lady as she walks home alone from an evening session of Bible-thumpin, Jesus-lovin, soul strummin, mind-numbin over at the local We Teach The Only Truth Kind of Truth Baptist Church of the Heavenly Host. It’d be easy. Just sneak up behind her--I’m sure the old bitch would be half deaf from listening to herself spew out that crap they sing in pretty much every church I’ve ever visited--and give her a stiff knee in the lower part of her back. When she goes down, stamp her face into the ground and pull the Bible out of her twenty-gallon purse and run off. She’ll think the devil did it, it’ll be lots of fun. Ok, back to the what I was saying. These Gideon folks place themselves in every area of the campus that is a hot-spot for students on foot. Then, as I walk by, one gave me a menacing stare (no joke) and thrust a Bible toward me (again, no joke). View blocked by Bible, I then hear the man’s voice (they’re always men) asking if I’d like a New Testament. “No, thanks anyway,” was my reply. This one happened near a clock, amid all the frat-club-campus group-find Jesus with Campus Light recruiting efforts. Of course, these Gideon folks have nothing at all to do with the college, nor do they have any clubs or groups here. Odd. But, I digress . . . I’m looking around a Bible at an old man trying to stick a Bible into my chest. I politely decline the offer. I was walking from the library to another building so I could go take a crap in peace in a seldom used bathroom in one of the buildings. It’s my secret place, the only public toilet I’ll use to shit. Anyway, my shit aside, I’m accosted by another old man on the first floor of the building once I get to it. The exact same thing happens, only this time I just say, “No thanks.” I go up to my secret floor with my secret shitting hideaway and proceeded to make brown. Brown accomplished, ass wiped, hands washed, pimple squeezed, zipper up--I was ready to go back down to the first floor so I could wonder around aimlessly until my wife was done with her class. Unfortunately, I had to pass the Gideon Minion on my way. Bible thrusted, beedy eyes staring, he says, “New Testament, sir?” Nice enough, maybe he forgot he’d already asked me. I stood in front of him and stopped, making sure he’d get a good enough look, and said: “No thanks, have a nice day though.” He said nothing, I moved on. I left the building and found myself walking around all the different tables that had been set up to attract students to this or that club, group, or whatever. I grabbed some voter registration cards off a table and proceeded to the library so I could check my E-mail (my computer died and went to hell, remember?) before I went back to the building I just left to wait on my wife. As I passed the Gideon Minion outside, the first one who tried to violate me with his Bible, he saw me and echoed his fellow minion from the building, “New Testament, young man?” Now, this guy saw me once before, too. I’d already told the old fart that I didn’t want his damn book. “No thank you. Have a nice day, and watch out for those books--it’s going to rain.” I went inside and checked my E-mail. I left the library and headed back to the building, where my wife was something about literature learning and my shit tumbling somewhere below, on its way to the shit processing plant across the river. Yeah, I’m sure you know what happened. The old Gideon Minion bastard tried to give me another one of those pornographic little books, you know, the blood filled book filled with mythological creatures, witches, murder, incest and such? Yeah, the Bible. Well, this one is only the New Testament, so it doesn’t have quite all of the aforementioned elements. “No.” I respond to this bizarre molestation-by-Bible. Biblestation. I made up a word! Ok, so I'm at the building now. In the building, woo-hoo! Err, shit, the Minion in the building is still there. He eyes me between passing out his little book of horrors to unsuspecting victims as I walk ever-so-closer. “Bible?” He asks curtly. “I don’t need it, thank you.” I respond. I hear another woman as I pass telling him, “I already got one outside, thanks!” to which his response was, “Wonderful! God bless, have a nice day.” Excuse me? As nice as I’d been to him up to that point, he hadn’t wished me a nice day, as I had him. Oh well, it isn’t a big deal and I don’t care. I’m just bitching about him for fun. I get to my wife’s room: she’s not there. It was odd that my wife wasn’t in her class--no one was in her class, actually. It wasn’t time for her class to be over. Deciding that she must’ve gotten out early, I went to the only place I could think of to find her. Back to the library, I must’ve missed her as she was going down the elevator (I took the stares). Yup, I had to pass the Minion who had planted himself in the walkway outside. Once again, I had to reject his Biblestation and run for my sanity into the library. Well, I walked, if you want to know the truth. Wife found! It’s going good--I thought. I noticed that she had one of those Bibles with her. I was hurt, the bastard Biblested my wife. I went to my car and got the gun. Just kidding. I tossed the book in the trash and we headed out the library to go to our car. I told me wife I was going to offer the Minion a cigarette if he offered me another Bible, she said she’d kick my ass if I did. I didn’t. Not because she would’ve kicked my ass, but because he didn’t offer me another Bible. You see, he was in a rush to save them. It had started to rain. |