This is the height of depths, Klein... publishing an edited piece of mine which originally ran in the sex classifieds of the Village Idiot.

This particular piece got me laid. Three times. I think you even know two of the girls’ mothers. Or maybe they were thinking of that other Lee Klein. Does he babysit much? Or did he?

ONE WITH NATURE 
by Lao Guardian

wrong! wrong! by Drachen Fliegen

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This part... I have no idea. This wasn’t in my original. I don’t work in the abstract. I am a cementist poet: fluid but viscous, gonna be hard but just at this moment plastic and impressionable.

perhaps this is what postmodern scholars call a “non-referential signifier”? I don’t use those – rather, my every breath screams, “You’re standing on my toes, you clod!”

Don’t make me hack your flat feet off. there’s nothing here to staunch the bleeding ‘cause we’re sure as Hell not using my notebooks or my silk shirt. yeah, I know it’s unbuttoned at the middle. stop looking at my chest hairs. wait, look – can you him? it’s mr. food. not exactly Jesus Christ but I think the evidence adequately indicates that more american women worship food than they do Jesus.

Fuck you. Tis is a new shirt. I just got it at the thrift yesterday. blee all over the sidewalk, you fuck. you’ll probably get a ticket.

Now that I’ve let my fists fly all over your ego and ergo id hole habitus herald, let me get smoove wit’ cho ass tie you down width my charms:

Are you alone? How many are you? Are you together? Do you speak English? Where do you wish to go? We will go there. When we get there I’ll clobber the pustulous snot out of you because everyone who’s in the know knows the world’s going metric and – what’s that Esperanto word for “shithead”? that’s you. right now, buddy.

Esperanto for buddy.

I am the emperor. I often say “It is better to be calm than agitated.” when I pick my nose I wipe the boogers on gold. bow down: maybe I’ll wipe a booger on you.

Saying these things is required of me. My spectacular buoyancy should not alarm. I do it, I get it done, not according to specific scheduling. 

We will get better if we stop fussing over grammatical trivialities. 

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I was ill in the head. Nothing in the Emperor’s Majestic Medicine Cabinet seemed to help. Or it did seem to, but after about thirty minutes I knew it was The Placebo Effect. I was still sick. Seeing things. Things like Lifetime movies occurring in my kitchens and closets. People would say “I will pray for you” in condescending ways. 

Moderately sized animals -- the beaver and the hog, for example -- enjoy small talk about psychoacoustic experiments involving radio frequencies "microcast" from strategically placed transmittors along the First Amendment. I mean, First Avenue, which is slated be renamed Veterans Bingo Parkway. First Avenue, where I often parade in my litter. No, not litter, papier mâché robot costume. The radio signals would only be received on a city bus. I forget which number. Moderately sized animals taste very good, although, for health reasons, people are typically encouraged to eat animals large and small as well. bush babies are good eating. So are aardwolf, but they ought be followed by a glazed grysbok or a skewed honey badger. skewed? skewered, honey.

As we travel back in time through the tunnel which smells of elephant dung, we cross the line past which old men do not wash their hair often. The Old Republic.

Plastered.

You have been tapped.

I visited a chat room for dungeon fetishists. I was asked to join the pagan knights web community. I am just browsing, thank you, I replied. I sang the theme to the movie A Bowl of Eel Chowder in King Arthur's Court. I was told to shut the fuck up. I was told to shut the fuck up repeatedly. A southern man tapped a .357 magnum against his computer microphone. He pulled the trigger, it clicked, then he gave us memorable advice which he attributed to his grandmother, whose name was Pete. He said not to play russian roulette with an automatic weapon. he advised playing black in other games of chance. This man's name was Willy. His screen name, however, was Nekkid_Turtle. You can e-mail him at nekkid_turtle@yahoo.com. tell him the Grysbok sent you.

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That which yields overcomes that which resists. that which speeds up gets to gho first at the four-way stop, or at least to act morally superior. do not smile, whatever happens. only smile if you’re sure it’s about to be sex. don’t be passing the potato salad or the black pepper. practice the people’s eyebrow. have a cow and teach her to do sit-ups. the best cure for hiccoughs is a spelling bee, and for hiccups breast milk of either a tall glass of microphone squeezins. that and tournament bridge, in a flooding basement with a slight undertow.

pass judgment now on your fellows. if you dont pass it now there wont be an opportunity in the afterlife. i’ve heard the Afterlife is all fishing tournaments.

all the women are wives. very wifey.

These epigrams are expected of me. It's what I do. Forgive me. The Steve Guttenberg foundation for the advancement of literature, scrambled eggs, b-cup bra male models and other mediocrities. very wifey.

Steve Guttenberg is a hit in Tokyo. that’s cause they’re mean.

pass that fucked up potato salad.

I have lost my baggage. 

honey badgers are known for their elongated dungs.

I have lost my coat. 

I have lost my passport.

the buffalo has a shapeless dung, altho some have referred to it as “flatty-patty”.

I have lost my wife. 

brave erotic writing? gosh, I prefer the cowardly. it so like, lets go when alone.

books are so alone.

I have lost my husband, my child, my dog. I miss his rounded dung. the children of the neighborhood cluster around the ice cream truck. Tell the man bomquisha_jenkins sent you and this is her $twenty$.

Cutting off is one mark of wisdom. “two marks to me,” says Bill Cullen dropping the powder blue card into a slot, “one for each of your feet.”

Mark Wisdom is just another honky on the city transit.

Such simple truths are hard to understand. these are the days of our lives.

Uprightness is proof of insolence. I swear, judge lady, I did not do it and what’s more, I won’t ever do it again so long as I live.

the County Jail has the better breakfasts.

see the terlit. be the turtle.

I was stareing down one endless row of carrots.

I am a horny slut. Please cum in my hair.

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Smells linger longer in small confines. like coffins. i like coffins. this one is no smoking.

painful. pitious. intuitive. drunk girls. haircare.

Is Steve Guttenberg Jewish? How will this affect my libido powers?

Some things are going up while others are going down.

Trivialities are the pills of scholarly world. quick. long-lasting. effervescent when soaked in gins.

Any married couples want a threesome? my cock is quite wholesome some say. a tat label of nutrition information signed by the surgeon general and his seminal clone on the underside. opinions are temps; dispositions last like glaciers.

We dive into the earth and out of it. I like you very much. Do you like me? May I see you tomorrow? May I see you this evening. I would like to give you four presents: 

See all you need to see without looking elsewhere. 

Joy and gladness leap and sway together in a joyous dance. 

Tiger’s claws never act unnaturally.

I love you, big dummy. 

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Before my operation, which I put off for a long time, I used to get these painballs in my head and pass out. I was obnoxious to my persecutors. I was intimate with refrigerated morsels of chocolate. I thought you would pay my medical bills. 

Have I time to buy a newspaper? Please open the window. May I smoke, madame? Please call me at six. 

1-917-327-2284

How much is this? How much is that? I like this one. I like that one more. I do not like this color. I want it in green. It is too expensive. But I will buy it. I shall take it with me. Please pack it. I want a hat. I figured it was time to go to the doctor when I passed out and fell down the basement steps.

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Alone without my army, I was besieged by the greatest people. No one will attack a person unless he appears to be an enemy. Believe it?

I have a headache. I have a bad cough. I have a pain here. I have a stomach ache. My legs hurt. My back hurts. My ear hurts. I have chills. I have had an accident. Please examine this wound.

Can I watch? 

I can hardly stand elevators between 7:45 and 9 AM. 

I bow before the mistresses. I kiss their feet. 

The things I’m saying are very easy to understand.

I cannot breathe. Is it necessary to stay here? Is it necessary to go to the hospital?

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There was wet and wild erotic action. It was kinky, nasty, back-scratching, hair-grabbing, knee-buckling, body-tingling, lip-biting, tongue-sucking, and crotch-grinding. It ended with soft, lip-sucking kisses. But the ceremony caused a schism. Influence was temporarily shaken. I went home. someone else was left to clean up the schism.

I have a cold. I have indigestion. I am nauseated. I have broken my glasses. I cannot see. Open your mouth.  Show me your tongue. 

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More bread, please. More beer, please. More water, please. Please bring me another fork. Bring me the check, please. Is the tip included? Here, this is for you. 

Perfume 
advertisements 
kill 
children.

I used to make stores rip those ads out. 

Now I am as unconcerned as the rolling ocean. and equally as effective, so long as you are not looking.

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^

gently press your bellybutton here