Disclaimer: May not be suitable for children, infants, young adults, adults, men, women, animals, ostriches, and certain minerals. You've been warned.

Chapter Two - Are Those Stains on My Nice Clean Carpet?!

By Michael Fetter

Swallowing great gasps of air, Michael jumped out of the bed and stumbled straight into a dresser. Something was wrong, very wrong. Seeing that . . thing . . and getting blasted, he'd expected to be dead or at least wake up a day later after recovering from his exhaustion. And while he did feel refreshed and surprisingly serene everything felt off.

Grimacing, Michael stepped away from the dresser and tried again to balance on his feet. His feet felt smaller and his body was strangely weaker. Fumbling around the room, Michael started searching for a light switch. He made it to a screen door and pulled it aside and found a little moonlight in the hallway. Walking dazedly, he wandered over to an unmarked door and pulled it aside.

The light went on and he found himself staring at a large clean bathroom that looked nothing like the one in his college apartment. In fact, there hadn't been a hallway in his studio apartment either. Studios were notorious for not having hallways.

"Where in the heck am I?"

That sounded strange. His voice sounded off. Was he wearing too tight underwear again?

"Sink," Michael mumbled, finding his target, "need to freshen up. I must be half-asleep again." He hoped.

There was a mirror over the sink that Michael glanced at briefly before twisting a knob and dropping his head beneath the faucet. Cold water ran over his scalp and down his back. It shocked him into full alert. Waving a hand around in search of a towel, Michael ultimately gave up and pulled out a large wad of toilet paper to pat his face down with. Taking a deep breath, he looked back at the mirror.

"I'd scream, but that's way too cliche," he said to the woman in the mirror. Slender hands came up to feel the feminine face Michael was now sporting. Nothing like this had ever happened to him before. He was certain. Except for that one time he got drunk on his twenty-first birthday and his friends thought it would be good for him to wear a dress and wake up sleeping next to his roommate.

The smile on the guy's face hadn't helped Michael's hangover at all.

He knew the series, read it several times, so he also knew the characters, but of all the Ranma 1/2 cast why did he have to get stuck in Kasumi Tendou's body?!

"You're a lot bigger than I thought you would be," Michael noted to himself. The pair of breasts just felt wrong. As well as the lack of proper male genitalia. "What in the heck is going on?"

"Kasumi?"

Michael turned to the door of the bathroom and found a shorter girl with long hair peer inside.

Akane yawned deeply and rubbed a hand over her eyes. "Is something wrong?"

Wow, she was sort of hot, Michael thought to himself. Akane was dressed in some frumpy looking pajamas made yellow with dancing cats. Long, blue-black hair fell from her head down to her lower back. Big brown eyes, cute round face, and Michael could tell there was a rather nice, lean body hidden beneath the bit of cotton.

Akane squirmed at her older sister's rather long appraisal. "Kasumi?"

"Huh?" Michael shook himself and tried to grin a bit. "I'm fine, Akane. I was just a little light-headed."

"Are you sick?" Akane looked concerned and seemed to not know what to do if Kasumi was ill. "Can I do anything?"

Michael let a shudder go through his . . . her body before snapping himself out of it. "No. I'll just go back to bed."

Akane frowned, but nodded her head. "If you're sure."

The bathroom door closed and Michael returned to the mirror and frowned. "What in the dippity-dang is going on?"

He had the strange desire to wash his mouth out with soap after that.

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A year later, Michael was finally getting the hang of being Kasumi. The first few weeks had been hard to explain to the rest of the Tendou family so they had contributed the strange behavior and mental lapse to sickness. Dealing with Dr. Tofu had been amusing at best and destructive at the worst. A very quick recovery was made after Akane's first attempt at cooking dinner. That had caused the real sickness.

After becoming stuck in this new body, Michael also learned a certain set of social behaviors and modifiers had been added to his mind. It restricted him from becoming too un-Kasumi-like. It also gave him knowledge like how to speak Japanese and household skills that he'd never known before. His face paled when he realized he could also count the days between 'her' monthlies.

Someone was going to pay for this.

In the meantime, Michael tried to find out why he'd been placed here. There were no notes or lightning bolt messages from Kami-sama. This was definitely the Ranma universe though. His . . Her father, Soun, had cried for days when he learned Kasumi had been sick. He then cried when she 'recovered'. Just for scientific reasons, Michael set up some measuring drums beside the old man and told him she was a lesbian.

Soun had collapsed at three liters due to dehydration.

Being Kasumi wasn't very difficult. Cooking, cleaning, and averting a few disasters left quite a bit of free time for the 'girl'. Kasumi made use of the free time in the dojo. She'd had a black belt in Tae Kwon Do back in her other life and Kasumi's body just felt way to girlie for her. So 'she' worked out during her free time with instructions from her father. He was sworn to secrecy so Kasumi didn't feel too worried about getting in the way of the Ranma 1/2 story whenever that was to start. It would be fun to watch from the inside like this.

After a few hours of training with her father, Kasumi took a bath and started dusting around the house. No work, no college, and free training, Kasumi was rather pleased with the setup and could deal with a little housework in exchange. Going over the living room, Kasumi started humming 'Until It Sleeps' by Metallica. It sounded sweet with the Kasumi voice.

Sitting by the back door, Soun smiled as he watched his eldest daughter move about the house doing chores with that strange exuberance. For years, Kasumi had taken over as matriarch in the family to care for her sisters, but she'd always seemed not altogether there. She smiled, but there was no real life behind it. The past year had seen a real change in the young woman, however. After the strange business with her 'sickness' Kasumi had reinvented herself. Dr. Tofu seemed to think Kasumi had come to some sort of catharsis concerning her mother's death. Soun hadn't even thought Kasumi still thought about it, but now that he'd seen her opening up it warmed his heart. When Kasumi asked if he could help her train again, Soun was sure Kasumi was well on the road to becoming the true heir to the Tendou School of Anything Goes once again.

Without hesitation, Soun released a wail of tears. "Oh, Kasumi! You make your father so proud!"

Pausing in her cleaning, Kasumi just shrugged at the odd man and left for another room. The decibels that man could reach was annoying.

Kasumi entered Akane's bedroom to 'tidy' it up. The morning fights with Kuno and his hentai horde had started up this school year and it made Akane frustrated enough to make a mess of her room. Tucking in the sheets of Akane's bed, Kasumi pulled out a new "Chicks With Dicks" magazine from beneath the mattress.

Akane was a real piece of work the way she went on about perverts and then leaving stuff like this lying around. Kasumi had thought it hilarious until she came across the large purple dildo in her own underwear drawer. Kasumi spent ten minutes scrubbing her body with a brush after tossing that bit of . . . rubber in the garbage.

"We're home!"

Tucking the magazine away again, Kasumi set a few of Akane's barbells to the side just as the girl made it to her room. Kasumi smiled brightly. "How was your day?"

Little, guileless Akane retold her sister of Tatewaki's many faults and then set about doing her homework.

"That's nice," said Kasumi as she left the room. She'd gotten good at holding a straight face in front of the young girl. Inside her head she was howling with laughter.

Nabiki met Kasumi in the hallway as she was heading for the furo with her after school clothes in her arms. "Hi, oneechan. What's for dinner?"

"I haven't decided yet," Kasumi shrugged while still holding a pleasant smile. "Was there something special you wanted?"

Shaking her head, Nabiki preceded Kasumi down the stairs. "Anything you make is good to me."

Following Nabiki into the furo, Kasumi began to disrobe right beside her 'sister'. After a year of this Nabiki had gotten used to Kasumi taking baths with her. Nabiki probably just thought Kasumi enjoyed chatting while relaxing in the hot water.

Her eyes lingering on the swaying bottom in front of her, Kasumi took a seat behind her sister and started washing her back after rinsing her with cold water. "How is school going, Nabiki? Are things going well?"

"Sure. It's business as usual. How about you?"

Kasumi dumped some cold water over the girl's back and swiveled around on her stool. Slipping into gossiping mode, Kasumi told her sister the news about Tanaka at the grocery story and the next door neighbor getting a new pet dog. Nabiki made her usual noncommittal grunts and they finished cleaning up before entering the furo.

For the next ten minutes Kasumi was careful to keep a string of trivial dialogue going while her eyes wandered over Nabiki's naked form. It was the closest she ever got to getting laid since arriving in this universe. Especially since she refused any of the advances men would make at her.

"Well," Nabiki toweled herself off after getting out of the furo. "I'm going to go do my homework. Call me whenever dinner is ready."

"Okay." Kasumi continued to smile as her sister left the room. While the experience was pleasantly frustrating, she'd gotten good at holding back the drool every time she saw Nabiki naked. Damn, she was one hot chick.

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Paused in the middle of dicing up some tofu, Kasumi found her father sticking his head into the kitchen. "Kasumi."

"Yes, father?"

"Family meeting in the living room."

Nodding to the man, she checked the heat of the pots on the stove and turned them down to a simmer. Kasumi thought she'd seen a postcard in the mail today. Things were moving right on schedule, and soon the fun would begin.

Heading for the table, Kasumi heard her father calling out for her other sisters. Nabiki was in her room and Akane had just passed her by wearing a yellow gi and heading for the dojo. Kasumi had watched the younger girl work out before and was fairly certain she could beat the tomboy in a match. After all of this time, Akane still only had a basic understanding of the Art and almost nothing of Anything Goes. The girl was too stubborn to ask for real training from father even after he offered.

Soun might be a wreck after his wife's death, but he still functioned enough to take care of his daughters. All Kasumi ever needed to do was ask and her father would help in any way he could. He even taught a few classes during the day, children's classes.

Walking proudly into the living room, Soun sat down with tears streaming down his cheeks. Nabiki followed a moment later dressed in a kimono for some reason and finishing off the Popsicle in her mouth. "Have you seen Akane, oneechan?"

Making a show of thinking, Kasumi nodded. "I believe she left for the dojo, Nabiki."

Nodding in response, Nabiki headed in that direction. Kasumi reached over for the teakettle and poured her father some tea and watched the man finger a small postcard in his hands. When Nabiki returned with Akane their father began.

"I have wonderful news for you girls. Today, one of you will be getting a fiancé and will carry on the Anything Goes legacy."

"WHAT?!"

Kasumi allowed herself to look shocked while she watched her sisters fly into a panic. Nabiki tried to remain calm, but Kasumi could see the same anger in her eyes that Akane never bothered to suppress.

"I'm not getting engaged to some pervert boy!"

Nodding with Akane, Kasumi put a hand to her cheek. "Oh, father, was that a good idea?"

"It's a matter of family honor," Soun told them solemnly, "he's the son of my friend, Saotome. We trained together under the same master for many years."

Frowning, Nabiki asked, "So what's this guy like?"

Drawing himself up further, Soun opened his mouth, closed it, and finished lamely, "I don't know."

"You don't know," Nabiki repeated flatly.

"He could be some sort of hentai pervert for we all know!" Akane added helpfully. Every conversation Kasumi had had with the girl always seemed to turn to perverts. The only people Akane was really comfortable talking about were her little friends Yuka and Sayuri.

There had been a number of slumber parties over summer break. Kasumi never regretted a moment spent hanging upside down outside of Akane's window watching those girls together.

"Ranma and his father have just finished off a ten-year training trip and are returning from China now," said Soun.

"Ooh, China." Nabiki perked up at the thought of the money required to take a silly trip to mainland. "So, is he cute?"

"I hope he's not too young," Kasumi added with the hint of a smile. "Young men are so . . . young." She should get an award for this.

Sweating under the questioning, Soun gasped in relief at the sounds of a struggle at the door. Without rising, Kasumi watched with amusement as Nabiki and Soun rushed for the door. At her side, Akane was still steaming with anger in her seat.

"Exciting, isn't it?"

". . ." Akane stared at her blankly and then turned to the hallway at the sound of screaming.

Rushing back into the living room, Nabiki and Soun hid behind Akane as a large panda holding a bundle over one shoulder followed them.

"Are these friends of yours, father?" Nabiki's voice trembled as she tried to hide her fear with a joke.

Soun adamantly shook his head.

"So a panda just decided to show up at our doorstep?"

Swallowing, Soun took a step forward, remembering he was supposed to defend his daughters.

"Let me go, old man! You're scaring them spitless!"

From her seat at the table, Kasumi watched with amusement as Ranma-chan is first introduced to the Tendou's. The little, buxom redhead was cute. She also looked incredibly depressed until Soun shocks her by picking her up in a bear hug.

"I wonder if I'm the reason Nabiki grabs her breast," Kasumi absently thought. There wasn't any other reason she could think of for Nabiki's rather brazen approach to identifying the redhead.

"He is a girl," Nabiki announced.

Soun fainted.

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"I assumed Genma's son would be a boy," Soun whined pitifully. He was lying on the floor with a towel over his forehead. Kasumi and her sisters sat at the table opposite of Ranma and the panda for the moment.

Nabiki reached over and bounced the redhead's generous proportions in her hand. "Does this look like a boy to you, daddy? Some fiancé this is."

"Could you please not do that?"

"Nabiki," Akane leapt up from the table with a little spring in her step. "Leave her alone. He's . . She's a guest."

Smirking, Kasumi watched the two girls smile at each other and then leave for the dojo for their first match. Knowing what she did of her baby sister, Kasumi could see the lust in the girl's eyes and could understand why Akane would be so easy-going about losing to Ranma in a few moments.

Nabiki left with a snort of disgust while Soun studied the panda sitting beside him. Shrugging her shoulders, Kasumi left for the kitchen to finish preparing dinner.

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Taking her time with the food, Kasumi started thinking over what was to come. She was fairly certain she could recall each of Ranma's little adventures and wondered if she should interject herself into any of them. She already planned to continue her training. Learning to harness her ki looked very interesting and she'd probably be able to salvage some of the magical artifacts along the way for her own use. Maybe she could use the Nanban mirror to get back home.

Kasumi had much to consider. Even if she could get back home it would likely be in this body and no one at home would recognize her or even believe her tale. At least here she'd be taken care of. Kasumi had started borrowing medical books from Dr. Tofu to study shiatsu points and ki exercises. Some of it was fascinating, but most of it was vague ramblings. She'd need help to understand it all.

"AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!"

Smiling to herself, Kasumi turned down the burners again to watch her half-dressed sister grab a statue out of the backyard and lift it over her head. "I'll weigh the pervert down in the tub!"

"Why didn't you just kill him with your bare hands?" Nabiki sucked idly at her soda with a straw.

Large, panicky eyes, Akane stared at her sister, "Because I was scared!"

Kasumi knew she should feel bad. She just knew it. It was there, hiding. Oh well, she'd feel bad about it later. For now she would enjoy her little joke at her sister's expense. Foreknowledge was to be used for the forces of good.

From the hallway, a damp boy entered the room with a hand behind his head and a sheepish grin on his face.

"Who are you?" Nabiki asked.

Tugging at his pigtail, the boy bowed once. "I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."

Attempting to look completely vacuous, Kasumi asked, "Will you be joining us for dinner as well?"

Nabiki stared at her strangely while Soun cleared his throat and called them all into the living room again. Sitting beside her sisters, Kasumi stared at Ranma and Genma sitting across from them.

Stroking his long mustache, Soun indicated the bald man, "This is my friend-"

"Genma Saotome." The man bowed. He wasn't terribly overweight, but he was getting a little big around the waist. Nodding to Ranma, "This is my son-"

"Ranma Saotome," said the boy as he bowed.

Cocking her head to one side, Kasumi asked, "You're that girl from before?"

Genma put a hand to his forehead and considered, "How do I best explain?" Picking up his son by his collar, Genma tossed the complaining boy into the koi pond.

Kasumi blinked when she saw a few fish float to the surface beside the redhead. That hadn't been in the manga. "Now he's a girl."

"Whadja do that for?!" Ranma-chan complained.

"Oh what a worthless son I've been cursed with. To be so easily cursed to become a woman!"

Jumping out of the water, Ranma back-kicked her father into the water. "You're one to talk, oyaji!"

After another quick stop in the furo, the meeting was continued. Genma stared dramatically at nothing while his glasses reflected light into everyone's eyes causing the Tendous to wince.

"It was terrible. The boy and I headed for our last stop before returning to Japan. I immediately sensed something off about the strange training grounds and warned the boy, but like the foolish child he is, he refused to listen and goaded me into a fight over the springs."

Kasumi rolled her eyes. This was going to take a while with the way Genma edited his story. Knowing the story already, Kasumi watched the reactions of her sisters and father. Soun was crying again over the dedication Genma and Ranma have for the Art. Nabiki was listening to the story with open skepticism and Akane was glaring at Ranma with open hostility. How she and Ranma were supposed to get together eventually was beyond Kasumi. Maybe that was something she could help along?

Kasumi considered that briefly. If she handled a bit of the damage control then Ranma and Akane may not get into as many fights and that would make less trouble for her as well. Cleaning up after all of those fights will probably chew up a lot of Kasumi time otherwise. Maybe she could get the Amazons and Ryouga to use the doors rather than making their own doorways.

In the story, everyone obeyed Kasumi because she was a sweet, kind, and innocent girl that everyone respected. Kasumi gagged at the idea of ever being that girlie, but it made people easy to manipulate. And now that she thought about it, Kasumi could probably get Nabiki to do it all for her.

"My life, yes, but my not my manhood!"

Picking up her cue, Kasumi stood up and waved her finger at the panda. "Really, Mr. Saotome, you went too far."

"What's this?" Nabiki picked up a small pamphlet that had slipped out of Genma's gi. "A guide to famous Chinese training grounds? You don't speak Chinese do you Mr. Saotome?"

[Bingo]

"Stupid, old man!" Ranma-chan growled and picked up her fight with her father again.

Snatching a new pot of tea from the table, Soun lifted the kettle over his friend's head and turned him back to human form. "So the curses are reversed with hot water."

Genma gasped as the steaming water hit his head. "Hot water! Not boiling!"

Ignoring the complaint, Soun moved on to Ranma. "And you turn into a girl with cold water, but hot water turns you back to normal." Ranma jumped out of the way of the water, but could not avoid Soun as he took hold of her shoulders. "Your problem isn't so bad then."

"It isn't?" Ranma-chan asked, confused.

"Today you meet your fiancée and join the two schools of Anything Goes." Soun smiled happily at Ranma's slightly panicked look as he made eye contact with Akane.

"Your father and I have already discussed the matter and we feel we know who would make the best match for you."

Kasumi blinked. Something wasn't right.

"She's the heir to the Tendou School of Anything Goes and should make an excellent housewife for you."

Picking up her tea, Kasumi tried her darndest not to laugh. Akane couldn't boil water and she was supposed to be a good housewife?

Soun gestured to one of his daughters. "My eldest daughter, Kasumi, nineteen, and my heir. I'm so happy!"

Kasumi spat out her tea and stared at her father.

"Growf," went the wet panda.

Akane and Nabiki paused in mid complaint at their father's announcement.

Staring at Ranma-chan for a moment, Kasumi only had time for one thought before she tipped over in a faint.

At least he's a woman half of the time.

End Chapter Two

* * *

Hmm, I'm not sure what sort of pairing this is going to turn into. So don't ask.

Okay, as for Kasumi's skill, well, a year where she had top level training from her father for several hours a day, she'd get pretty good. I figured that Akane isn't really an Anything Goes student since she hasn't exactly been taught by an Anything Goes master for ten years. She learned her undisciplined Art on her own.

Ja ne.