Random Things

Random Memory

*As an answer to the question: If I could have one memory erased, which memory would it be and why?

~~Ravenclaw~~

well, there's a good one. what wouldn't I like to forget! So many to choose from. There's all those wonderful memories of having to wear three pairs of jeans and thick sweaters to muffle the beatings I was provided with daily. all those beatings my parents so wnjoyed providing me: belts, shoes, broomsticks, throny plants, wooden beams, extension cords, rocks, bricks, horse whips, pots and pans, fists, slaps and kicks. yes, those would be nice to have gone. there's also all the times I was mocked and kicked around by others. beign made fun of when I went in my pants in the first grade because I was too shy to ask. beign mocked for my lack of skill at soccer, basketball or baseball. being beat up by black kids when I went to school in the inner city ghetto because I was a "white boy". "Jump Cracker Day," the "holiday when "crackers" or "white boys" were systematically beat up, would be a nice memory to have gone. Being laughed at and insulted in english when I didnt know enough english to retaliate but I still understood they were making fun of me. Then there's all the times I was shunned by stuck up rich bastards that wouldnt play with me because I was "chusma." Or how about years of being laughed at because i didnt have a new change of clothes every day and because my clothes were generally worn, frayed, moth-holed and, being second hand, usually were too big for me.

No, none of those memories are what i would like gone. if One memory were to be gone, it would have to be the two week period during which I suffered the worse torture of my life. I would gladly take all those years of mental and physical abuse over if I could have this memory gone for ever. tow weeks of the worse suffering I'd ever had because unlike all the times before, it was not external suffering. it was suffering and torment inside, the likes of which I hope I never have to come across again.

It starts, i guess, with my lack of participation in the world of love. or at least, the world of human relations, even if love isn't involved. you see, I've never wanted a girlfriend. unlike everyone else, I've never actually had a desire for one. Sure, just like any other hormone ridden human male i've oogled at pretty girls and felt light headed thinking about them, but no more. in fact, I've had a crush on almost every girl that's crossed my path since age 8, but never, ever have I truly been able to say "I want a girlfriend." Even when I've felt the pressure of having everyone I know enter, exit and maintain relationships with other guys and girls. Not even then have I actually had a desire for one.

So all is well, my world is a stable place and i've held the fort on my celibacy for years, even deterring various attacks on it by girls that have somehow thought that my relationships with them were candidates for more than friendship. it's the final stretch of my last year in High School and I've just returned from a five day trip to Daytone Beach, Florida where my team and I have participated in the National High School Drill Team Competition. This is my third and final such trip and from experience i know that trips of this sort, when you're living in a hotel for five days with 100 or so other hormonal people without parents or school to worry about, can lead to the strengthning of relations, the destruction of some and the spawning of previously unexistant ones. I, however hae returned to a stable world where everything is like it was before except that there's more trophies in our possession.

All continues as well for about a week or two. Until one day when I'm talking to a member of one of the female teams. As a self imposed rule, i talked to most of the members of the other teams unless I just dont like them. I do this to try and be social. So this one day is no different except that this girl has a letter for me from her best friend. This again is no big deal as this type of correspondance is commonly used among high schoolers and i've used it on previous ocations with friends of mine both male and female. i notice nothing different or out of the ordinary at the moment. i dont even notice that the author of the letter is now hovering around me much more, i dont notice that she now seeks to be seated at the same picnic table where i have lunch, or that she's eventually sitting next to me. I dont notice that when greeting her with the costumary kiss on the cheek her mouth is systematically moving closer and closer to mine until I swear one day I get a bit of lip contact. i dont notice how her friends hover around me or how she just happens to pop up next to me on my way to class.

I pay no attention to any of this nor do I really notice it. Harder to not notice are the rumors going around: Ileana likes Jorge, Ileana thinks Jorge is cute, etc. I actually find it amusing that anyone would think I'm cute and I take it to mean she finds me as cute as i find a puppy or a bunny or a baby, so I dismiss it. This goes on for a while and the correspondance keeps coming. Then one day the rumors are not just rumors, but people are actually takling opoenly about how Ileana is nuts about Jorge and how Ileana finds Jorge dreamy and how Ileana thinks that Jorge is ignoring her. That same day, at lunchtime, i receive a letter from her and I have a horrible feeling I know what it says. Sure enough, what i've been hearing is confirmed: she's saying that she "has feelings for me." No sooner have I finished reading this letter than she pops up and starts to tell me in person what i've just read. I tell her I know what she's going to say, after all, i've just read it. so she just stands there and looks at me with a huge smile in her face. at the time I'm not aware that i've suddenly found myself alone with her and everyone I usually have lunch with has somehow conveniently found a way to stay at least 15 feet away from me.

What happened next i do not know, and the sequence of events is not too clear in my mind, but the torture has begun. Next thing I know I'm walking her to class holding hands, something I've never done before. Halfway there we're spotted by someone known to both of us and she lets out a little scream of surprise at the sight uf us walking hand in hand. "So are you?" she asks. Suddenly I find myself in the spotlight and every second that passes is an eternity. "Ask her" doesn't seem to help and I find myself unable to speak. "yes" finally comes out of my mouth though I'm not sure it was me who said it or a little voice in my head telling me if I said yes the spotlight would go away. I have reason to believe her little ambush was less than coincidental and two periods later the news is spread like wildfire. The walk from then on feels for ever though no more than two minutes should have passed. All the while my head is full of thoughts and the full comprehension of what's happening has not sunk in yet.

Getting to her classroom comes as a surprise as i have not noticed where I was going after the ambush. So i start to leave and i mutter something I cant remember. Just so as to seal the deal and leave no doubt about it, i find myself pinned to the wall and her toungue is shoved in my mouth. I have to admit i'd never felt quite like that, though "quite like that" I'm not sure what it is. I have reason to believe that there was a big conspiracy working against me, the full extent of which I've never knwon. I believe I was being followed around, my conversations were bugged, my schedule and habits observed and all this information was passed along to her.

From then on, the realization of what's happened begins to dawn on me and the torment is great. Asking for advise is futile as every one of my friends seems to have joined in the conspiracy and they all advise me to carry on. My mind and all my being is telling me that this is wrong, very wrong. Voices in my head tell me to run, but some other voices are telling me that it's ok, that it's normal to have a girlfriend. I look around and sure enough I'm the only one who's never had one. Of course I've known this for a while but it is now presented to me under a different light and my deep desire to be normal echoes the voices telling me to carry on, telling me to give this a chance. Only a few of my friends seem genuinely concerned with my torment and I finally decide to desclose to her that this is my first experience of this kind. This was a bad move as it makes her more googly eyed and prone to shoving her toungue in me.

The torment in my head continues, and I constantly find her tounge in my mouth and me being pinned to solid objects by her humongous breasts preventing my escape. I soon begin to realize that i hardly know this girl and that i have no memories of taking to her at any time before the five day trip, now a week and a half gone. I dread that this is one of those relationships I've seen come out of previous similar trips so i resolve to try to get to know this girl for more than the girl with the big boobs that likes the taste of my tonsils. So i try to talk to her but this proves useless as she's constantly sealing my mouth with hers. I resort to writing and as you know by now, i like to write and when I do so I'm through and i speak at lenght of things. I expected her answers to be somewhere close to what I wrote, but she just trivialized all I write making vague coments on my long phylosophical letters where I ask her to define the terms "girlfriend" and "going out."

Meanwhile the conspiracy and the rumor mill require updates so I end up defining it "we're talking" rather than "she's my girlfriend" or "we're going out." I've never considered a girl who cant get enough spit from my mouth to be my girlfriend and if anyone asks, I've never had one.

Two weeks of this torment go by with me being taught to close my eyes when exchanging oral fluids, meeting her mom and finding all about me from her as well, and two Friday movies. The first of these was total crap and I suffered more embarrasment for not knowing what the hell to do. Before then it had been two years since i'd been to a theater and i'd brough only enough to cover my ticket with 50 cents to spare. Since then, ticket prices had risen a dollar and I had to borrow from her. i also hadnt realized there was going to be dinner involved after that, and not at a fast food joint mind you. It hardly mattered what we watched as i ended up not being able to see the screen except during small breaks when she felt like breathing or taking a sip of soda.

One day i deciced that one more day like this and I would stop listening to "give it a chance" and heed to Obi-Wan's "Run Jorge, run!" Luckily that day she took me aside and as I was preparing for another assault on my mouth she said the most wonderful words I'd ever heard: "I dont think this is working." It took all i had to not smile or laugh in her face or run away yelling "YES!!! YES!!! YES!!!" Still, turning away from her I allowed myself the biggest most sincere grin of my life.

So that's it, that's what I'd like to forget. Alas, that is not truly possible and the memory will haunt me for all of my life reminding me why it is I choose celibacy over normality, and why it is that "try to be social" has been replaced by "avoid being social," lest I find myself in a similar situation.

Jorge Vasquez
Vasquez666

Random Picture

I don't know her, but isn't she beautiful?

Random Thoughts

*taken from e-mail conversations with a pro-lifer. I asked her if she ate meat and if she thought her meat had a soul.

She says: Funny you ask because I actually don't eat meat but it's not because I think animals have a soul. They are not human of course. Because if you read the Bible-you will know that they don't, and that God put them here on Earth for our use (with the understanding that we treat them humanely) but my choice to eat meat has to do with the fact that I think it's disgusting to eat dead animals and I chose not to put that into my body. It grooses me out too much. Why do you ask?? Do you think babies don't have a soul? They are no doubt alive human beings aren't they?

I say: so having a soul makes you human does it? what makes you so sure you have a soul? the fact that you can speak and say you have one? and animals dont because they cant? I believe my soul gives me the ability to feel. to feel fear and love, passion and desire. happiness and sadness. I've seen happiness in my cat when it is comfortable and healthy, and fear when it doesnt know what's going on or when I take her in a car. I've seen my bunny bored of being in a cage all day and be happy and playful once I let him out. I've seen my dog be sad and depressed when her puppies died. what then makes my cat bunny or dog not have a soul? what makes a cow or a chicken not have a soul? how about a plant? why does a baby have a soul and when does he get it? I don't consider a cluster of cells known as a blastula to have a soul. nor do I consider a zygote to have a soul. I believe if there are such things as souls that all animals and plants have one. why then can I kill a cow with a soul and not a human that also has a soul? were it not because killing one provides me with food and the other may deprive society of someone useful I dont see a difference. it's only wrong because it's against the law, but the law is there only to prevent people from killing each other indiscriminately, not because things have souls or not. It's not about babies not having souls or useless bums and criminals also having them. they all have it. I don't believe a soul or lack of one should keep me from taking the life from a criminal as I can take the life from a fetus or a cow.

She says: You don't believe in God do you? Do you eat meat? Do you believe in the death penalty? I think the answers to these questions are no, yes, yes in that order. Am I right?

I say: you're absolutely correct. except for the god part. i believe that gods(for there are more than one) are made up by humans to explain things which we dont understand. early man didnt understand rain, the seasons, the sun or the sea so they made up gods and attributed their behaviors onto those of nature. as societies became more and more complex and populations became larger and harder to manage, gods became an essential tool in keeping order and morality. only the fear of an all-mighty being can deter those who do not fear the laws of man, especially when one is not always present to enforce them. each society made up their gods according to their own usefulness. Vikings had warrior gods; largely farming societies like that of Egypt and the Mayas had gods for harvest, rain and sun. Areas of the Middle east that largely depended on sheepherding saw the virtues in a shepherd and molded their god to be a single one, like a sheppard, guiding his flock to green pastures and away from death. I do believe in morality though, but I don't fall back on a god to provide it for me. I believe a society should have morality in order for all its members to be able to live together in harmony, without killing themselves needlessly. I don't doubt the existence of a very powerful being for the universe exists and the universe is very real. something somehow must have made it but I'm not in a hurry to define this being or this force as a god. whatever it is, it doesnt control my morality, only I do that. whatever it is, it doesnt answer prayers. and whatever it is, it certainly doesnt care about the destruction of human life any more than it cares about the destruction of a rock. we're all just compounds, some complex like humans, and some not so, like hydrogen. we only alter the state we are on. like smashing a rock only alters its size and shape, but the matter is still there. all the atoms still exist and all their energy is still there. when a n organic being is killed, whether grown or as larva, it only decomposes into its different components, but it's components are still there, all the atoms and all the energy remain. how then should I feel that aborting a fetus or culturing a stem cell is harmful? In fact it can only be good since a miserable life will be spared and countless others saved.

More Random Thoughts

I can't descide what's worse, or yet, what's better: Being Paranoid and believing everyone is after me, or realizing that nobody cares I even exist. Believing every action I take is being watched, believing that people are looking at me, analyzing me. Looking at my clothes, at my bag, at my hair and immediately coming to conclusions over me. That when I walk down the street or down the halls in school, everyone is following my every movement with their eyes. Automatically making assesments about my life, my habits, my performance, my abilities, my thoughts. I can just imagine what they're thinking, sometimes so vividly it's like I'm hearing their thoughts. Especially those who see me every day. The librarians, the computer lab assistants, the cafeteria people, the cashiers, the bus drivers. Even worse are those few I actually, maybe not know but rather, have some sort of acquaintance with. They are the worse. they're the ones I dread seeing the most. The are the inquisitive ones, the ones who keep track of my progress or lack there of, and more easily form opinions about me. With them, the meetings don't begin with "so, what's your major?" because that is already known. "What classes are you taking this semester?" is first and "Did you take this or that class yet?" is next. I dread it. All of it. I stay away from them and places where they might be. Unfortunatelly they cannot be avoided. A car ride when I obviously need one is not easily rejected. An encounter is not easily avoided when we're both going in the same direction