by VanillaMint

Part 3- Boku no...

Shinya was alone in the living room. The door to his bedroom was slightly ajar; Kyo was inside, sleeping. His eyes were on the pink envelope on the oval marble table in front of him, staring at his name which was penned across the front.

Shinya.

“Shinya… sweet Shinya…”

He reached out, his fingertips trembling as they touched the edge of the paper. It was light, only a piece of paper inside the envelope. The drummer just held it like that for a few seconds. He thought he heard Kyo snoring in the bedroom. Though the door was not closed properly, he could not see Kyo on the bed.

He turned his attention back to the envelope. The dream replayed in his head. The deep red against the stark whiteness, his bleeding wrist and Die’s voice reaching out to embrace him.

‘ You belong to me.’

A chill ran down his spine. Quietly he stood up and walked towards the kitchen. He stopped before the dustbin. In his trembling hand was the unopened envelope.

***

In a dazed state, he opened his eyes then closed them again, sinking one side of his face into the pillow. The pillow case smelt of floral shampoo, rose-scented, and the coverlet smelt clean; Kyo imagined Shinya’s skin smelling like that. Speaking of Shinya, it was awfully quiet outside…

When Kyo actually woke up, he walked out of the bedroom to find that Shinya was not in. Yawning, he scanned the counter and table tops for a note or something. Finding none, he decided to help himself to some drinks and food from the fridge.

***

He tilted his head upwards to look at the top shelf displaying pickled vegetables. Stretching a long arm clad in maroon cloth up, he grabbed a bottle of pickled onions. He looked at the label but he couldn’t concentrate on the words. His mind kept going back to pink envelope. He began to chew on his bottom lip as another voice prodded him inside himself.

-You shouldn’t have thrown the letter away.-

Why? It’s not important,” he told that voice.

-It’s from Die.-

So??

-You should’ve read it first anyway…who knows what might be inside?-

A shiver ran through Shinya as his dream surfaced from his memory. The knife lying on the floor, the blood on his wrist, the paleness of his face… Why did he have that dream? Was it some kind of warning? Shinya refused to ponder on that subject anymore. Placing the bottle back onto the shelf, he pushed his trolley forward.

Don’t think… don’t think.

His hands gripped the handle so tight that the skin over his knuckles seemed translucent. The letter…Die…

-Go back and read it.-

……

-Or do you want to spend your life thinking about what was in the letter?-

………

-Do you, Shinya?-

Then suddenly he pursed his lips as he made his decision.

***

A gloved hand held the knob and it gave way with a small click as it twisted it. A rustle of cloth. And a moment later, the door closed with a crisp click.

***

Rubbish laid clattered on the floor around the dustbin. Beads of sweat dotted his forehead as he dug through the dirty wads of tissue paper and wrappers. It was not there. It couldn’t be. He threw it in that dustbin less than 3 hours ago. Where could it have gone to?! Frustrated, he emptied the contents of the dark brown bin onto the floor.

But the letter was not there.

“Impossible!” he slumped down onto the floor, his dirty hands balled up in loose fists. Unconsciously, little drops of tears formed at the corners of his eyes. He rubbed them roughly with his knuckles, refusing to cry. What was there to cry about anyway? It was just a dumb letter.

But…where could it have gone?

Shinya’s brows knitted together in a frown. He stared at his soiled fingers then shifted his eyes to the hall then to the bedroom. Then it struck him.

Kyo.

Could Kyo have found the letter and taken it?

He shook his head.

“ Why would Kyo do that?”

But there was no one else at home...

***

His keitai beeped as he was walking down the street. He fished it out from his jacket pocket and answered it “Moshi moshi. Shinya?”

“ Kyo, um...”

“ What’s up? I’ll pay you the 2000 yen when we go for practice, ‘kay?” Kyo frowned as someone knocked into him from behind. It was too noisy on the streets to chat on the phone.

“ Um...did you see Die’s letter?” Shinya asked. “ I can’t find it.”

“ I didn’t see it.”

“ You sure?”

“ Yes! Why would I take it anyway???” Kyo asked. Shinya remained silent. “ Why are you so worried? You threw it away right?”

“ So you did see it!” the younger man exclaimed.

An amused smile touched the vocalist’s lips. “ But I didn’t take it.”

“ Kyo...!”

“ Maybe Miyu ate it.”

“ Kyo!!!”

***

In a cold room, someone sat on the bed; smoke curling like thick formless apparitions from the end of the cigarette that hung limply from his lips. Grey ashes fell onto the carpet, between his feet. He took the cigarette and left it in the uncleared ashtray with days worth of cigarette butts.

A hand reached out and switched on the light. The yellowish glow illuminated the photos that plastered the wall. The whole wall was filled with them. He picked one off and gazed at it. The corners of his lips curved slightly into a smile as the tips of his fingers traced the delicate face shape framed by silky brown strands.

“ Beautiful, beautiful Shinya...”

A soft sigh escaped Die’s lips as he pinned the picture back among the mosaic of photos. Pictures of Shinya in his band outfits, posing for the camera in a shy way. Pictures of Shinya onstage, caught in mid of passion of drumming. Pictures of Shinya smiling casually at the camera, face clean of make up but beautiful still. Pictures of Shinya, took without his knowledge, of him on the streets, in shops, in the park, at the entrance of his apartment building... Pictures of his Shinya, his angel.

“ Why...? Why don’t you love me, Shinya...”

His eyes moved away from the pictures of his love to the words of love he had written.

Do you know how much that hurt me, Shinya? And do you know why?

He returned to sit on the bed, staring at the dying glow of the cigarette.

“ But it’s okay, Shinya... soon you will learn to love me just as I love you.” Die smiled. “ Because you’re mine...”

Torn pieces of paper littered the floor next to the foot of the bed.

“ Mine...”

***

to be continued

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