Senseless Desu

by Emma 

~Part 3~

Notes: i thought up a title.. although, i dunno.. what do other people think
of the title?


The car ride back out of town was not as quiet as Shinya had hoped it would
be. The twins would not stop their mindless chattering. It also didn't
help that most of it centered around him and his Ferris Wheel adventure. It
seemed that the twins had heard the godawful yelling of the operator of the
ride and watched as Shinya and someone they didn't recognise have the ride
of their lives. It was big news to the adolescent boy and girl.
Unfortunatly for Shinya. He'd been hoping for the opportunity to go over
the events of the night in his head, but he was unable to as he was being
bombarded by questions about his newfound 'friend'.

"Shinya-kun, who was it?" The girl asked, "I'll bet he was cute." She then
proceeded to flutter her eyelashes and make kissy faces at the air in front
of her. Shinya just rolled his eyes and stared at the road ahead of him.

"I didn't know you had a boyfriend, Shinya." The young boy said
matter-of-factly.

"I don't."

"But, you WERE kissing that person, weren't you?" Both twins leaned towards
Shinya, begging for more information and grinning like maniacs.

Shinya sighed and kept his mouth shut. He flipped on the stereo and turned
up the volume. Taking the rather blatant hint, the twins sat back in their
seats and folded their arms across their chests in unison. It was scary
sometimes, when they did stuff together like that, and Shinya shivered
slightly, aware of the intense glares both children were giving him.
Somtimes he wondered what he ever did to deserve the treatment he got, even
from the people who _liked_ him. Well, they'd brought up a good point. If
Die had kissed him, did he _want_ to be Shinya's boyfriend?

*****

Die had started up his car and was just about to head home when he saw
Shinya. He was a ways down main street, getting into his own car with 2
other people. Die got out of his car and stood up tall to get a better
look, but it was too dark and the street lights weren't providing enough
illumination for him. He instead opted to get back into his car and follow
Shinya. Maybe he'd be able to figure out what he was really doing by
sitting alone in his car, not-so-discreetly following Shinya home.

*****

"See you later Shinya-kun," the boy called as he shut door of Shinya's car.
The girl waited a few seconds before she departed, making a few more
romantic gestures at the poor air before her.

"See ya!" She giggled as she shut the door.

Shinya rolled down the passenger side window and yelled after them, "Good
riddance, you little brats; he is NOT my boyfriend!" He grinned at them as
they both turned around to stick out their tongues at him. "Goodnight." he
added quickly. With that he rolled up the window and drove just next door
and turned into his driveway.

Die parked his car by the twins house and got out. "Hey! kids!" they
turned around. Spotting him, they stopped in their tracks. "Do you guys
know Shinya Terachi?" The twins' young adolescent minds wrapped themselves
around an idea that struck them both simultaneously.

"Do you like Ferris Wheels?" the girl asked, grinning.

"I LOVE Ferris Wheels." Die smiled, knowing he'd hit jackpot with these
two. Neither of them could contain their excitment as they ran up to Die.
The big dumb grins on their faces echoed his own.

"Well, then, of course we know Shinya-kun. We know aaaaall about him. What
was it you were wondering?"

"Yeah, favourite food, favourite colour, where he sleeps, layout of his
house, social insurance number, license number, height, weight, you name it,
we got it!"

Die thought about it for a second. He didn't quite feel right listening to
2 middle school-age children tell him all of Shinya's stats. "First off, I
guess.. did he mention anyone named Die to you?"

"Not really. He did mention that he was in lo~ve, though, didn't he?" The
girl looked to her brother to back her up.

"Oh yeah, couldn't concentrate on anything else. Wondering when he'd be
seeing you again, he was." The serious look on the boy's face was almost
comical.

Die's eyes lit up, but he still didn't quite believe them. "Why'd he run
off so soon, then?"

"oh, well, he did have to drive us home, didn't he?" They nodded in unison
as they reassured Die of Shinya's affection for him.

"Oh. So, that's his house over there, right?" He pointed to the house at
the end of the driveway Shinya'd driven into. The twins nodded
emphatically. "And, he probably wouldn't mind if I went over to see him?"

"Oh no! He'd loooove it," the boy nodded, "But I suggest you use the door
to his basement, don't want to disturb his mother, do you?" He giggled and
winked up at Die.

He had to admit, it was frightening listening to these 2 talk about Shinya.
He knew they were only telling him all this because they wanted to embarrass
Shinya, the way they tried to keep their faces so serious and failed
miserably told all, but they had given him some useful information. Shinya
was in the basement and best of all, there was a door going straight there.
"Well," he said, backing away slowing, "I guess I'd better be going over,
then, you 2 ought to be getting home now, hadn't you?"

They both looked somewhat disappointed at not being able to 'help' Shinya
out anymore, but they grudgingly took their leave and let Die jog across
their property to that belonging to Shinya Terachi.

*****

Once inside his house, Shinya tiptoed down the stairs and turned on the
light by his bed. He took off his shoes and sat down. It wasn't very late,
only about 11:00 or so, but he didn't feel like doing anything. His
computer lay silent across the room from him and all his books were lying on
the floor, closed. Silently he pulled off his shirt and tossed it into a
pile of dirty laundry in the corner. Shinya lay back and looked up at the
ceiling, he knew it would be pointless to try and occupy his mind with
something at a time like this. He couldn't think of anything but Die.
Die's hands, Die's smile, Die's lips, oh god, Die's kiss. He whimpered as
he lay there, rolling on his side and curling up into a ball to try to
comfort himself.

It didn't make any sense, him feeling like that. He'd just had the most
wonderful experience of his life and here he was, lying like a child, on the
verge of tears. It was his own fault. He'd run away from Die. Still,
though, he couldn't understand what was going on. Everytime he tried to
relive the events of the night he just got sidetracked, remembering the
lightheaded feeling he'd got when their lips had met. Goddamnit, it didn't
make SENSE! There was no sense in either his or Die's actions that night.
There wasn't, but then somehow there was. Maybe it was karma. Could 17
years of bad luck for Shinya finally be coming to an end? Or was he simply
dragging Die down with him?

No. Die hadn't been serious about it. That must have been the answer. Die
was well known for his drinking escapades and it was no secret that his
group made frequent dates with a bong. //He didn't taste like he'd been
doing either.// A little voice in his head told him, //He was completely
sober.//

Shinya wasn't sure which prospect scared him more, that Die hadn't meant it,
or that it had been an entirely sober action. The frustration and anxiety
he felt came forth as he burst into tears, shaking as he lay on his bed not
bothering to wipe the tears from his cheeks. There was nothing that could
keep him from despair. He could talk to no one; he had no friends, and his
mother wouldn't understand. He couldn't seek out Die for fear it had all
been a misunderstanding on Shinya's part. He was afraid nothing would help
him when suddenly his latest bout of self pity was interrupted by a sound
coming from outside the door.

Shinya stood up slowly, listening carefully. What was that sound? He
walked straight up to the door and put his ear up to it. //Whistling?//
Who the hell was outside his door at this time of night, _whistling_?
Although the answer was quite plain he never thought of it, so when Die
knocked twice and opened the door Shinya fell back, stunned at the sight of
him.

"Do you know how long it took me to find this door?" Die's smile was wiped
off his face by the sight of Shinya's panicked look and the ringing in his
ears. Shinya scrambled to his feet and ran quickly to the door, shutting it
and entering a code onto the pad beside the door. When the high pitched
ringing stopped he heaved a sigh of relief and then brought his attention
back to Die who stood scratching the back of his head, a sheepish grin
plastered to his face. He advanced towards Shinya and looked down at the
ground. He stood there for a moment in silence before he raised his hand to
Shinya's face. His eyes rose from the floor to look Shinya in the eye. The
man hadn't moved a single muscle and Die reached out and wiped the last
traces of tears from his cheek. "Why do you always have to cry?" He asked,
somewhat perplexed, "I don't mean to hurt you." At those words Shinya's
lower lip began to tremble. Before any more tears could possibly fall, Die
leaned in to capture his lips with a fairy-like kiss. The light touch was
gone in an instant as Die hovered there, his lips a mere centimetre away
from Shinya's. This time, however, when their lips met it was Shinya who
took the initiative, searching Die's soul through the light contact between
them.

"Die," Shinya breathed as he broke away, "What are you doing here?"

"Well," Die stammered, suddenly nervous, "I just wanted-"

Before Die could finish his sentence he was interrupted by the voice of
Shinya's mother descending into the basement. "Shinya?" she called,
"Shinya, what were you doing? You know we don't open that door." Just as
she approached the door to Shinya's room Die was pushed to the ground by the
side of Shinya's bed, hidden from the doorway.

"I know mom, I was beginning to feel suffocated in here, though, and needed
some fresh air." For an altogether good kid, Shinya was an amazing liar, as
long as it did no harm. "I just. Couldn't breathe." His cheeks flushed red
at that. So maybe it wasn't all a lie afterall.

Die almost laughed, he couldn't help but feel accomplished with the fact
that he took Shinya's breath away. He lay there beside Shinya's bed and
listened to him and his mother. They seemed to get along quite well
compared to most teenager-parent relationships. He smiled, listening to the
conversation.

"You sure you don't want to come upstairs and watch a movie or something?
We don't spend that much time together these days, you know?" Shinya's mom
was sweet, but there was no way Die was going to let Shinya leave him
stranded alone in his basement.

He breathed a heavy sigh of relief when Shinya panicked, "No!" he nearly
yelled at his mom, "I mean, I've got some things to take care of. Anyways,
it's late and you should get some sleep."

A genuine smile spread over Shinya's mother's features. "Honey, I'd like to
spend time with you. I know you've been having a tough time at school and I
just want you to know I'm here if you need to talk to me, whenever."

"Thanks, mom," Shinya replied, slowly backing his mother towards the door,
nervously shifting his eyes to his bed and back, "but you know, I'm really
tired and I don't think i could make though either a movie and a late night
chat. Maybe some other time?"

"I thought you said you had something you needed to do?" she trailed off at
the end of her question, knowing that it would be better not to ask.

"Oh, that.." Shinya floundered, trying to think up an excuse, "Well.. I was
hoping to read a bit of that play for English Lit before I passed out from
fatigue. You know how tough that class is." He shuffled his feet and
scratched the back of his head, hoping his excuse would be good enough to
get his mother out of the room. Fortunatly she had taken the hint. She
nodded quickly and pulled Shinya in for a hug.

"Ok, sweety, give me a kiss goodnight, then." Shinya turned beet red,
embarrassed, knowing that Die was probably silently laughing at him in the
corner. He quickly gave his mother a peck on the cheek and hurried her out
of the room, shutting the door as soon as he could. He leaned against the
door and let out a deep breath. That had been close. Someone had snuck
into his bedroom and his mother had barged in. Someone had snuck into his
bedroom. Oh GOD, DIE had snuck into his bedroom. Not only that, but he was
now lying beside his bed.

Shinya's breathing became shallow as he slowly tiptoed back to his bed. His
fingers trembled as he crawled over the bed towards where he'd stashed Die.
"Die?" he called out. He received no reply so he advanced furthur. Once
he looked over the edge of the bed he saw Die lying on his stomach,
completely engrossed in reading something. The sight at first made Shinya
breathless. The Die he was familliar with seemed illiterate, definatly not
the type one would think oculd possibly volunteer to read something. He was
so surprised by the fact that he was reading that he didn't at frst grasp
_what_ it was he was reading.

"Die? What-" Shinya gasped and grabbed the book out of Die's hands, "HEY!
that's private!" Shinya sat cross-legged on his bed gripping the small
white journal in his hands.

Awakened from his dream-like state by a furious Shinya, Die scrambled to his
feet. "Sorry," he said simply, "I didn't think it was right to eavesdrop on
your conversation, and that was the only thing I could find to occupy my
thoughts. I didn't mean-"

"Didn't mean what? That's my journal!" Shinya pouted. At times Die was
still the person who'd teased him and taunted him and it hurt Shinya to be
so forcefully thrown back to that person. "How much did you read?"

Die idly fingered his hair as he mumbled, "Just the bits about.. me."

Shinya felt as if he were going to hyperventilate. Die had not only read
his journal, but he'd read all the things Shinya had secretly felt. Not
sure of what he could possibly do in the situation he found himself in, he
tossed his journal onto his pillow and got off the bed. "I think I'm going
to go take my mom up on that offer of a movie." He turned to leave the room
but found himself held back by the hand gripping his arm.

"No, please," Die pleaded, "I just wanted to talk to you."

"About what?" Shinya's defenses were up, "You've made it a point to make my
life a living hell for the past 2 years. What could we possibly have to
talk about? How do I know this isn't just a trick?"

"I don't know." He was being honest, there was no way Die could possibly
prove that he wasn't trying to trick Shinya. "Please, Shinya, just hear me
out." When Shinya finally nodded he went on, "First of all, I'm sorry I
read your journal. I couldn't help it, and even though I knew it was wrong
of me, I needed to see if you felt the same way about me or if I was just
forcing you into something tonight." He grinned momentarily, remembering
the entries he'd read, "And now that I know how you feel.. I should tell you
my side."

"Your side?" Shinya askeed, fighting the urge to pinch himself. Even if it
was a dream he didn't want to wake himself up and lose it.

"Well, I guess it's been almost a year now. I never told anyone like you
did. I guess you could say I learned from your example." Shinya cringed
but stayed silent. "The only person I ever told was Mr. Harris."

"The electronics teacher? What made you think he was trustworthy?"

Die sighed, "Actually, I had no idea whether he was or not. I'd stay after
school in his room the odd time and we'd talk a lot. One day it just
slipped out. I can't even remember what i said now." He frowned, "But I
must've sounded pretty stupid. I mean, can you imagine a student going up
to his teacher and saying 'hey, i'm bisexual, listen to me whine about my
problems!'?" Shinya laughed at that earning himself a pained look from Die.
Whiping the smile off his face, Shinya gestured for Die to continue.
"Anyways, it just came out one day. I'm actually very thankful he was the
one i told, instead of someone else. He's kept it a secret and best of all,
I've had someone to confide in so that I don't go insane." He finally
allowed himself to smile again.

Taking the pause in Die's speech as a cue to speak, Shinya asked, "If you're
bi, why do you always act like you do towards me? It just doesn't make sense
to me."

"Trust me, if it made any sense to me at all I'd explain. I guess I've just
been scared. Hell, I'm still scared. I'm pretty sure they know now, after
what I did tonight. I don't think I'm as scared of what they'll do to me,
it's just the fact that if they treat me differently I'll know they weren't
really friends. My entire life I've built up relationships with people. If
I find out that they're all fake what will I have?"

Die's words were so heartfelt that Shinya almost pitied him. He'd never
actually thought Die could be different. Sure, he'd wished it, but he never
thought it was really possible, and now here was Die spilling out all his
fears about rejection and uncertainty. He felt his mouth open without
thinking as he uttered a single word, half questioning, "Me?"

Die pulled Shinya toward him and laid his head on his shoulder. "I wish I
was as strong as you. I've watched you for so long, yearned to know you,
and now here you are. You're so strong, Shinya, why can't I be strong like
you?"

"So.. you like me because I'm strong?" //What happens when you realize I'm
weak?//

The hurt look in Shinya's eyes made Die wince. "No, that's not it. I like
you for who you are. Even if you were a pathetic loser, which you're NOT, I
think I would still love you." Dies eyes went wide as he said it, "LIKE
you, I would still LIKE you."

Shinya's jaw dropped wide open and he giggled, "You said you loved me. Oh my
god, you just admited you are capable of loving me." Shinya chuckled and
continued in a sing song voice, "Die loooves Shinya!" The pout adorning
Die's lips made him too cute not to tease, so Shinya went on, "Shinya and
Die sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-"

Die cut him off by clamping a hand firmly over his mouth, "Wouldn't that be
a ferris wheel?" Shinya's playful manner was infectious and Die easily
picked him up and slung him over his shoulder. He ran for the bed, ignoring
Shinya's prostesting fists hitting him on the back. Once he'd thrown Shinya
onto the bed he put his index finger over the smaller man's lips just as he
had opened his mouth to scream bloody murder. "Shhh, you don't want your
mom to wonder, do you?" To silence more protests Die this time employed his
lips. He ran his fingers over Shinya's bare chest as he kissed him
passionatly. He ran his tongue over Shinya's lower lip, urging him to admit
it into his mouth. Shinya complied not a second later, a slight moan caught
in his throat. As soon as Die's hands found the waist of Shinya's pants
their contact broke.

"Die, stop." Shinya pulled himself up against his headboard, hugging his
knees to his chest as if to protect himself and block Die away. "I can't.
This isn't right." At the horrified look of paralysis and fear on Die's
face he added, "It's just too soon. I'm sorry."

Die backed off Shinya's bed and walked over to the door. "I should probably
get going, then, shouldn't I. I mean," he paused, "It's getting pretty
late." He forced a fake smile onto his face as he walked away from Shinya.
He couldn't comprehend what he'd done wrong. He knew Shinya felt something
for him, but he was getting rejected anyway.

As Die was about to grip the doorknob in his hand he heard Shinya. "No!
Die, please!" Shinya pleaded, "Don't leave. I don't want you to go." He
was about to cry and he knew it. "Die please, I.. I can't take it anymore,
I'm not strong, I'm _not_." Die saw the tears sliding down Shinya's white
cheeks when he turned around. "I can't be strong without someone to help
me. Please Die, just dont. go. Stay with me. please?" Just as Shinya
began to tremble Die was at his side pulling him into an embrace.

"You _are_ strong, stronger than you could imagine. Just be strong for me,
ok?" He rubbed Shinya's hair to comfort him. "Shinya, I'm scared," he said
quietly, lying down beside Shinya with his head resting on his lap. Neither
of them spoke another word for nearly an hour. They simply lay like that in
silence, thinking about whatever was on their mind and just enjoying being
together. After a while Die's eyes began to droop, he was falling asleep,
completely drained of energy from the emotional events of the evening. When
his breathing steadied and slowed Shinya replied almost inaudibly to the
last statement Die had made.

"I'm scared, too."

Shinya nestled down into the covers on his bed, being careful not to disturb
Die's slumber. He sighed as he sought out die's hand with his. He entwined
his fingers around Die's and settled down to get some sleep. After a few
minutes the steady sound of Die's breathing lulled Shinya to sleep.

*************

why is it that i always tend to finish fics at 3 in the morning.. or later?
gah! anyways, it's got a ttile and another part. Please, if you read this,
COMMENT! COMMENT COMMENT COMMENT!! i thrive on comments. i would love
contructive comments.. please please please!!

-Emma

to be continued~

back to deg fics pg3