~*~*~

Kyo stood in front of the full-length mirror, silently cursing himself. He’d just watched the others go off…Toshiya wrapped around Kaoru as usual. Die with his newest girlfriend; he went through them quicker than he changed socks. And Shinya was god knows where. And as always, there he was at home, alone. Nothing to do but sleep and work on hating himself more than he already did.

Kyo looked away from the mirror, sneering. He knew exactly why he was alone. He was a freak. Unlike his pretty bandmates…unlike just about every one else. If people weren’t scared of him, he made them sick. Completely misunderstood.

Kyo glanced over at his bed, which was littered with fan-mail. This month he’d gotten a ton of hate-mail from parents calling him foul-mouthed, a stupid son-of-a-bitch, and telling him he should be ashamed for being such a bad influence on children. It’s not like I ever told anyone to buy my shit. And half of those fan-girls buy it to squeal over pictures of Toshiya.

With a sigh, Kyo made his way to the bed, shoving the papers out of his way and onto the floor. He curled up into a ball, staring at the wall before his eyes. It’s not like he was in DEG for the fame alone. When he sang, he let go of everything…when he sang, for just a little while, he was completely free. Free to be and do whatever his twisted little mind told him. He could be himself and his twisted thoughts all at once. It was his release…and his imprisonment.

No peace…constant interviews, photo sessions, hours doing and re-doing his makeup, fighting through crowds, smiling when he really wanted to sleep or go home and cry… Home. He hadn’t seen that in a while either. Another piece of my life that’s missing…

Lately it seemed like everything was missing. He had to make himself be happy around the others so they wouldn’t ask questions. They noticed the way he screamed his songs lately. Die said he sounded like he was being tortured. Which honestly wasn’t too far from being the truth. Kyo was working on a new song now and he had Die to thank for the idea. He called it Tortured and in it he planned to tell exactly what he felt…in his own way. Damn anyone that couldn’t figure it out. Maybe he wanted it that way. Even he wasn’t sure if he was willing to let someone get close to him. Not after all the other times he’d been hurt. Even when Toshiya lived in the same house with him, they’d never gotten close. Kyo always made sure he’d keep his distance. Toshiya had tried…that is until he got with Kaoru. From then on, he and Kaoru were the only two people on earth as far as they were concerned. He just felt that while all the other members of the band were getting closer, he was drifting farther and farther away.

Kyo didn’t even realize he had begun crying. He wiped at the tears on his cheeks then stared at the moisture on his fingertips like he had no idea what they were. After all this time, I still cry…I’m so fucking weak. This dangerous freak is just a cover up to hide a scared child…

Kyo stood up from the bed, making his way to the living room. There was nothing in there he really wanted, but he had to do something. His brain was coming up with strange thoughts. He passed his bathroom and got a flash of himself lying in it, the water red with blood from his slit wrists. He glanced in his closet and could almost see himself hanging from the rod. Kyo shook his head. I’m coward enough…I don’t need to go out in such a punk-ass way.

Kyo sat down on the sofa and turned on the TV, then paid no more attention to the noisy thing. He glanced down at his caller ID which showed that Shinya had just called him about 3 minutes ago. He wondered why he hadn’t heard the phone ringing as he picked it up and began dialing Shinya.

The drummer answered on the 2^nd ring. "Moshi moshi," he called, sounding like his usual unfeeling self.

"Hi, Shin-kun, its Kyo. You called me a few minutes ago right?"

Shinya brightened a little when he realized who was on the other end. "Yeah, what were you doing? I thought you were going to be home?"

"I was. I just didn’t hear the phone I guess."

Probably sleeping again, Shinya thought. "Well, I called to ask if you wanted to go out tonight, but that probably won’t happen anymore."

"Nani?"

"Well, everyone else had plans to go out to this new club tonight, but Toshiya and Kaoru are gonna be entertaining themselves tonight and Die almost forgot he’d made a date with some girl. It’d just be me and you if you still want to go."

Kyo was in minimal shock at how talkative the usually quiet and reserved drummer was. But one thing hadn’t escaped his mind. ‘Everyone else had plans…’ They’d left him out again. And more than likely the only reason Shinya had called him was because he didn’t want to be alone. Kyo sighed at his indecision. At least Shinya had invited him…but he didn’t want to be an every-now-and-then buddy. He glanced up at the TV, which was showing one of those tear-jerker movies. The girl was in the middle of cutting herself. Once again, Kyo could see himself there, sawing at his wrists with the knife, sobbing. He grabbed the remote and cut the TV off quickly, while telling Shinya, "Yeah, I’m there. Just come over whenever. I’ll be ready."

"Okay, Kyo. Be there in 15 minutes."

The two hung up without saying bye and Kyo went to his bathroom to repair his smeared makeup. He needed the night out, whether he felt like it or not. He’d thought about suicide before, but never this graphic. It was like it was happening right before his eyes. Everywhere he turned, he thought only of how he could release himself from this torture.

~*~*~

The doorbell rang shortly after and Kyo more than quickly made his way out of the apartment and into Shinya’s car. Shinya shot him a questioning look, but didn’t ask. They made their way to the club, found an empty booth and started ordering their drinks.

~*~*~

++Author’s Note: Hey, this is my first real DEG fic. I’d planned it to be a PWP and it probably will still end up being one, but…we’ll se I guess. R&R please, I wanna know what you think.

-Malia Sabishisa ++

to be continued

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