Anger and Pain

by pukachan (Email: die_no_nekochan@yahoo.com )

Pairings: KaoruxToshiya, Diex?????, Shinyax?????, Kyo????

Part 3 - Cold Hate

Kaoru busied himself round the apartment. After Die and he had spent most of the morning talking (after they had cured their hangovers as best as possible) the redhead had left Kaoru to ponder over his feelings alone and get some order into his still turmoiled mind.

Without hesitation Kaoru stripped the bed off its sheets, reminders of last night, and stuffed them into the laundry box. He picked the half empty tube of lube up from where it had fallen onto the floor and pondered over it for a moment before he threw it away. // I really screwed up. //

As he wandered back into the bedroom his gaze fell on the half open chest of the bedside table. Kaoru walked over and wanted to close it as his gaze got caught by something blue inside. Reaching out he let his fingers caress over it. Cool silk brushed over his skin, leaving a tingly feeling behind as he pulled back his hand. He sat down on the bed and gazed at the bunched up dark-blue fabric  he now recognised as a sexy night-dress Toshiya surprised him in once. It was only large enough to reach down to Toshiya’s midthighs and had hugged the slim bassists upper body tightly. Black lace trimmed the edges of the silken fabric, the combination of the two colours complimenting Toshiya’s hair perfectly. The purplehaired man bent his head, burying his face in the night-dress, the silk leaving a weird feel on his skin. He took a deep breath, taking in the familiar scent of his lover that still clung to the fabric.

Toshiya.... blue and black hair, long legs, pouty lips, the gentle curve of his chin, brown eyes sparkling naughtily as he looked down at him. Kaoru closed his eyes, pulling the moment of joy and pleasure out of his memories, smiling gently as the feelings of that beautiful moment resurfaced. Toshiya and he, their relationship had seemed so perfect.

Lifting up his head Kaoru opened his eyes again, gazing at the white wall opposite him – white and empty, like his relationship with Toshiya had grown? Unconsciously he shook his head. No, that couldn’t be it. //I still feel something for Toshiya. Being together with Die again sure isn’t what I want....being together with Toshiya – they way we used to be.......But it will never be the same again – even if I hadn’t slept with Die, something between me and Toshiya wasn’t right anymore.//

Kaoru looked down at the blue fabric in his hands. It was easy to blame Toshiya, name all his little faults.......// But I knew those, weren’t those little traits of his part of the reason why I fell in love with him. I fell in love with Toshiya, all of him.......why did those things start to annoy me more and more all of a sudden.// With a heavy sigh Kaoru sank back onto the bed, pulling Toshiya’s night-shirt over his face. “Toshiya I’m sorry, I’ve got to talk to you but I can’t before I don’t find out what went wrong in our relationship in the first place. But the way my head feels now I don’t think I’ll ever find out – does that mean I’ll never be able to talk to you again.......that is if you ever agree to talk to me again in the first place. Damn – what about Dir en Grey.” Kaoru pulled the fabric from his face again and stared up at the ceiling.......

Later Kaoru picked up the phone in his living room. A decision had been made. He couldn’t let personal indifferences interfere with the band. They had to practice.......and the sooner he would face Toshiya the better. Neither of them could hide from each other forever, they had to work something out – something that would make it at least possible for Dir en Grey to survive.......... everything else would be resolved later.......he hoped.

+++

Die approached the studio building feeling nervous and uncertain. His gaze wandered over the parking cars – Kyo’s was not in sight. Not that he did expect him to be here anyway – not so early. The redhead glanced at his watch – just 7 am. He was much to early – an hour so. But no way could he have stayed at his apartment any longer.

Since Kaoru called him yesterday to tell him Kyo and Toshiya had agreed to come to practice today he had pondered and worried about what to say to the bassist – and moreover what Toshiya’s reaction to him would be. // He must hate me....//

Sleep had only come reluctant last night and he woke more than once from disturbing dreams he couldn’t really remember though. Dawn broke to Die restlessly shifting and turning on his bed - it was clear to the guitarist that he would get no more sleep then, so he got up and headed to the studio to face the inevitable that couldn’t come quickly enough to him.

// What will Toshiya do.......will he hit me, gods I deserve to be hit for doing this to him. However should I explain. I wonder who he will be more angry at – Kaoru or me. What if  he wont talk to me, if he wont listen. Damn, not that I would know what to say to him. - Hey, sorry I slept with your lover. I was drunk, so it doesn’t really count, ne. -Yeah, right. Or how about – don’t worry Totchi, I didn’t let him fuck me but it was the other way round – so he didn’t really cheat on you.......>.< he’s gonna kill me.... ok, he wont – he’ll scream at me and hit me and then Kyo will kill me for him. Damn – Kyo- will he believe me that this was SO not planned.//

Die remembered what Kaoru had told him – that their vocalist had still sounded very pissed off as the purple head called him about practice last evening. // It's a surprise Toshiya had agreed to come to practice at all....... I didn’t think he would – not – so soon. That’s not how Toshiya usually reacts – I hope he wont do anything rash. // The weirdest scenarios played themselves before Die’s minds eyes. Toshiya coming at them with a gun, or coming to practice only to shoot himself in front of Kaoru.......or simply smashing his bass at Kaoru’s feet and quitting the band. It were irrational  things to do, guided solely by emotions gone out of control -  but that was Toshiya’s way.

Pushing open the big entrance door Die noticed his hands were shaking slightly.

As Die reached the door to their practice room he was surprised to hear a steady rhythm beaten out on a drumset.

//Shinya is already here....and I thought I was early// Smiling fondly Die shook his head // He never ceases to amaze.......// For a moment the redhead just stood there at the closed door, his eyes shut, head bent down, simply listening to the intricate rhythm the young drummer on the other side created. For a moment he could forget his worries....

Jerking his head up he freed himself from the spell // I’m such a fool!// He shook his head and pushed open the door, a warm smile still curving his full lips.

As the door opened Shinya stopped his play and looked up from behind his drumset. His eyes narrowed slightly as he saw Die.

“Morning Shinya. I thought I would be the first here today, but looks like you beat me to that. Don’t you need any sleep?”

Seeing Die’s carefree smile Shinya’s grip on the drumstick tightened. Without replying he watched the guitarist take off his jacket and sit down on the couch in the room.

“Ne Shin-chan, have you swallowed your tongue?.” Die teased, his voice sounding free of any care to the younger mans ears.

The stool Shinya was sitting on nearly got knocked over as the drummer suddenly stood up and walked – no stalked over to Die. The redhead looked up, raising an eyebrow.

As the full lips parted it was clear to Shinya that Die wanted to taunt him more with careless spoken words. The young drummer saw the brown eyes gleam with mischief, mocking him.

Die - so careless, so heartless; teasing, taunting, torturing......

Shinya stood in front of Die, staring hard – the usually controlled anger suddenly bursting to the surface. Before Die could comprehend the sudden heated change in Shinya's expression the drummer slapped him hard in the face, making Die’s head jerk to the right from the force.

“How could you!!!!!” Shinya glared down at  the redhead – the hand with which he had just  hit him balled to a fist.

Eyes grown wide Die looked stunned up at the younger man, trying to comprehend what just had happened – and moreover - why. He reached up hesitantly to touch his stinging cheek. “ Shinya, what.......”

“I know what happened – Kyo called me.” The hissed words were all the reply the redhead got before Shinya turned around and left the room.

Shocked Die stared after him.

// Shinya knows.......NO! Now he must think.......think I am the biggest inconsiderable jerk....... // Die pressed his eyes close and slumped forward, head buried in his hands – wincing slightly as he  touched his reddened left cheek. // Damn, no, no, NO! Not on top of everything else! //

The sound of Die taking a shaking breath was all that could be heard in the room.

// Ok Die, try to be realistic. You really think Shinya wouldn’t notice what happened – no. But.......but I didn’t think that.......that.......Shinya was so angry. I haven’t seen him like that before – annoyed with me, pissed off, yes, but not so....// Die recalled Shinya’s glaring eyes, full of emotions the younger man usually kept hidden. // And damn that slap was hard. Had he hit me he could have broken something, I’m sure.// Slowly Die lifted his head again and stared at the now closed door Shinya had left through.

// He seems as angry as Kyo over what had happened....// Uncertainly the guitarist pondered over his observation.

+++

As the door to the practice room opened again Die looked up apprehensively. A purple head appeared, hesitantly peeking into the room.

Die couldn’t help a smile at the sight of their bandleader sneaking in like a shy boy. “You can come in – noones here but me.”

He wasn’t certain but it seemed to Die as if their calm and collected leader was relieved and worried at the fact.

“Morning Die. Kyo and ....Toshiya not here yet?”

“Nope, but Shinya is....he got here even before me, but he....went somewhere. Didn’t tell.” For a moment Die pondered if he should tell Kaoru that the drummer knew, and that he had slapped him – and that Kyo had apparently told Shinya about the whole – incident. But then he decided against it. Kaoru had to worry enough about Toshiya already.......what Shinya did and knew....it didn’t change the situation between Kaoru and Toshiya. And to trouble Kaoru with a problem that half stemmed out of Die’s own fantasies didn’t help any. // Well, didn’t I know it was hopeless before – the situation hasn’t changed much now.// Or had it.......

“Hm.......” Kaoru’s gaze swept the room, lingering for some moments on the place Toshiya usually occupied/ Toshiya’s usual place, looking lost in thoughts. Die watched him silently, not wanting to disturb whatever thoughts Kaoru pondered over.

Without taking off his jacket Kaoru finally sat down a bit away from Die and picked up his guitar. He rubbed a finger over the black surface, as if trying to erase a flaw only he could see.

For some moments Die watched him then picked up an empty scoresheet and pen, first he doodled some meaningless patterns on the side, while his thoughts drifted away. Suddenly he jerked up slightly.

That song he had a vague idea for some days ago as he was in the shower with no possibility to write it down – he still hadn’t come round to put it on paper.... Die started to scribble the notes down....then suddenly hesitated and looked at what he had written. It was cheerful, like most of his songs.......it made him sick.

Soft notes spun to a dark melody reached his ears. Die looked up and saw Kaoru bent over his guitar, purple hair hiding the other mans face as he picked at  the strings.

Die’s gaze wandered back to the scoresheet in front of him and he crossed out the melody that was mocking him with its cheerfulness. He stared at the sea of blackness the ink had created on the white paper. Better, much better. Picking up his acoustic guitar he listened into himself, trying to find a new song.....

..........soon two dark melodies filled the room, staying separated despite their closeness.

+++

Kyo pushed open the door to Dir en Grey’s practiceroom with unnecessary force. Since he had entered the building he had felt his anger rising, with every step he came closer to where Kaoru and Die were probably already waiting he came closer to the point of explosion..........just one wrong word or movement, and..........

Toshiya,  walking right behind him, was quiet, his face composed betraying nothing of the shed tears or pain he had shown in front of Kyo. Maybe his skin was a  bit paler looking than usual though.

Kyo’s gaze swept the room and it’s two occupants, before he marched over to the couch, putting down his bag, then stalked over to the microphone, checking if it was working properly.......all the time glaring at Kaoru and Die.

Kaoru hadn’t looked up at first. He stopped playing but kept his gaze transfixed on his guitar, while his heart beat madly filling his body with apprehension....tensing.......as his hands started to shake he forced himself to look up. His eyes caught Kyo’s glare and he winced inwardly before his eyes seeked out HIM. But HE didn’t look his way. He didn‘t seem to look at anything in particular.

 Not aware that Kaoru was watching Toshiya put down his bag, then took his bass and started setting it up, keeping his concentration solely on his instrument. He looked up shortly but his gaze didn’t wander any further than to Kyo.

Die shifted in his seat, gaze wandering between the other three men. He felt – ignored – and didn’t like it at all. Irritated he stared hard at Toshiya. Why didn’t he yell, cry, hit him.......why was he showing no emotion....

// I wish Shinya came back, at least he hit me and was angry at me – that’s better than being ignored. I can react to that but how am I supposed to react to – nothing.// A chill ran down Die’s spine, making him shiver.

The tension filling the room seemed almost tangible. Noone spoke, noone moved much, they all waited, waited what seemed to be an eternity. But Kyo didn’t seemed bothered by it much, neither Toshiya.......normally so restless Toshiya patiently tuned his bass, not looking up once.

The door opened with a click and Die felt like screaming with relieve, he wanted to jump up and throw his arms round Shinya as the young man finally entered the room again.

“Ohayo.” Shinya looked at Toshiya and Kyo only.

Kaoru mumbled a greeting as well, but then frowned slightly as he noticed Shinya ignoring him. Puzzled he looked over to Die, trying to catch his gaze. He noticed the redheads eyes following Shinya before he looked his way. Kaoru threw Die a questing glance, which he responded with a look of guilt and a slight shrug – whatever that was supposed to mean. Kaoru shook his head dismissingly, then looked over at Toshiya again, watching his every movement. Strong fingers moving so gracefully over the bass, how a strand of blue-black hair glided forward over one shoulder, brushing lightly over the soft curve of the other mans cheek....... Suddenly something shoved itself in front of his vision and Kaoru looked up startled – only to find Kyo glaring directly at him.

“Are we going to start practice or what.” The pressed out words sounded harsh.

The bandleader got up slowly, looking down at Kyo calmly, then his gaze drifted once more to Toshiya. The younger man looked up shortly but before their eyes could meet he averted his gaze again. For a moment it seemed as if Kaoru wanted to walk over to his lover. Kyo tensed ready to step in Kaoru’s way, he had vowed to himself he wouldn’t let Kaoru hurt Toshiya again.

But Kaoru didn’t walk over to him. Instead he straightened up somewhat and nodded at Kyo.

“Ok, lets just start with XXXXXXX (>< couldn’t decide on a song) as warm-up.” Despite his calm leaderlike manner Kaoru’s voice, laced with guilt, didn’t sound as firm as usual.

Practice went bad. The tension only seemed to build as they worked through song after song.

Kyo gripped the mic. tightly till his hands hurt, he couldn’t wait till they started with   -ZAN-    and he could finally scream out his anger and frustration. It usually helped to calm him down, take everything that seemed bottled up inside of him, all the unvoiced emotions, then fling them out, spill them into the world. It always felt relieving – but this time the anger and tension where to much, making him miss notes and his singing sound forced and off tune. It didn’t help either that Toshiya’s bassplay was unsteady while, Shinya was playing too fast, Die missed his cue a few times and Kaoru.... Kyo looked at the guitarist and bandleader and yelled out the next words - flinching as his voice cracked. //Damn it// Kyo watched Kaoru shift and fidget nervously, his gaze and his attention apparently too drawn to the bassist. // He doesn’t even pay the least bit of attention to what the rest of us are doing// Only grudgingly Kyo admitted this observation to himself, but then his gaze narrowed again. // Well he better feel guilty and like shit, he isn’t worth more – he’s an ungrateful bastard.......- but he doesn’t look like he had hurt Totchi on purpose, he wouldn’t look so guilty if he and Die had planned this - .......Shut up!//

Kyo shifted from one foot onto the other, averting his gaze from Kaoru again, trying to concentrate on the words he was singing – then he stopped, right in the middle of a verse. He switched the microphone off and put it back on its stand.

The song came to a screeching halt as the others ceased their playing, all looking puzzled or with apprehension at Kyo.

“This sucks! I need a smoke.” Without waiting for the others to agree he walked over to his bag to fish out his cigarettes.

Kaoru looked at his fellow bandmates, then he took a deep breath. It was time he behaved like a proper leader again. He couldn’t – he wouldn’t let this band fall apart cause of his personal troubles. It was to precious to him. Determined he let his gaze sweep over them all, his voice sounding calm and collected as he spoke.

“Ok, we take a break. And afterwards I want you all to come back here focusing on the music and nothing else.......”

He stopped the bassist who wordlessly had made to follow Kyo outside. “Toshiya – I need to talk to you.”

Toshiya turned around, slowly, and walked over to Kaoru till he was face to face with him. His gaze met the other man’s unflinchingly. The bandleader tensed but didn’t back off, meeting Toshiya’s stare. But before he could even decide on what to say first, the younger man hissed softly.

“What if I don’t want to talk with you! You lie to me, you play with me – was I not good enough for you? Was all you ever saw in me a toy for when you were bored? How long has this been going on between you and Die – or have you never broken up in the first place? This must have been a really great joke between the two of you.--- Oh how easily Toshiya was lured into my bed – what a stupid boy he is to trust every word I say. You should see his face Die when I tell him I love him. He really believes that – the stupid thing would do everything I ask for! --- But this is over now – I’m no longer your toy.”

It was said in a strangely calm manner, so unusual for the emotional young man, but the words were laced with razor-sharp edges of cold anger. Kaoru found no words in reply. He was too stunned by his lovers words. Was that what Toshiya thought, that he had only – used him. Kaoru searched the young man’s face, looking for the emotions the young man never hid, for tears, a betraying trembling of the lips, or even burning fury in his eyes. For any signs that would betray the cold words – Toshiya wasn’t this cold, his Toshiya wasn’t.

Kaoru stared, blinked. The blue haired man’s chest heaved, his eyes gleamed with anger – so beautiful....but cold, much too cold, like something untouchable. At that moment Kaoru realised it. His eyes grew wider and his lips parted to say Toshiya’s name, but the young man didn’t wait for him to speak. He shook his head slightly, keeping his gaze locked on Kaoru.

“I hate you.......hate you!” The words were said with a chilling calmness, cutting through the silent room like brittle glass.

All were shocked.

// Toshiya.......so cold, so calm.......no tears....he....I did this....no tears.... // Kaoru’s hands trembled without him noticing. He didn’t know what to say, what to do – he wanted to touch Toshiya but was to afraid the ice would burn him.

The younger man turned around, and left.

Kyo looked at everyone, then followed Toshiya.

Kaoru still stood there, staring after the bassist, even after the door had already closed behind Toshiya and Kyo.

Shocked Die slumped down on the couch. His knees felt weak. He should go after Toshiya, talk to him, explain, tell him it wasn’t the way he though, it was all a mistake, a terrible mistake.......But .......talk to Toshiya – this Toshiya – that acted so strange, so differently from the young man he had known. The mere thought chilled him to the bone. He had thought Kyo would be the one who was an unpredictable danger, angry enough to rip his and Kaoru’s head off for hurting the bassist, but Toshiya was freaking him out much more now.......// and Shinya slapped me.// The redhead gazed over to the youngest bandmember, who slowly got up from behind his drummset and left too. Die's gaze followed him.

+++

Kyo tried to catch up with his friend’s long-legged stride. He had feared what would might happen today when Toshiya would see Kaoru again, but he hadn’t anticipated – this. Toshiya was acting completely different. Kyo had never thought him capable of such cold hate.

Giving up on merely walking Kyo started to run down the corridor in an attempt catch up with the bluehaired man. “Toshiya..........” He reached out to touch his arm. “Are you....”

Toshiya stopped and turned towards Kyo. The smaller man blinked, looking confused up at the bassist. His beautiful face was wet with tears.

“Kyo.......I....thank you, but....I need to be alone for a while.”

The smaller man nodded dumfounded.

With a weak smile Toshiya turned round again and left down the corridor.

+++

Kaoru turned round to Die, staring at his friend still confused – but slowly another emotion was starting to well up from deep inside him were it had festered.

“How.......how dare he!        How dare he just – assume. How can he say, cause I made a MISTAKE – a bloody mistake -  that he hates me. I want to talk to him, I want to explain, I want to do everything so he forgives me – but he doesn’t even give me a chance. How can he think all that things and....and say them right in front of everyone when he’s the only one I love!”

Die stared at him silently for some moments, giving Kaoru time to calm down again.

“Really....... You love him?” His voice wasn’t mocking or teasing but gently inquiring.

Kaoru opened his mouth, then closed it again, looking confused. Hesitantly he came over to the redhead and slumped down beside him on the couch.

“ I ....yes....I love him. I love Toshiya!” Leaning forward he buried his hands in his hair. “ Why ....... why did I feel so uncertain about it before. Why is it all so clear all of a sudden. How could I start thinking of him as annoying or....or that I didn’t feel anything for him anymore!”

Die placed a soothing hand on Kaoru’s back. “Perhaps now that you are in danger of loosing him you realise what you feel for him.”

“But I loved him before – why did I think I didn’t love him anymore all of a sudden. Why – gods, why did my live suddenly become so complicated. I feel like everything his falling apart.”

Die’s hand rubbed in warm circles over Kaoru’s back. “ Give it time. Heck I thought Toshiya would storm in here today and quit the band or do worse."

Kaoru made a choked laughing sound. “ Toshiya’s coldness is worse. “

“At least he’s still in the band. Dir en Grey still exists, and Toshiya is part of it. That means he’s there for practice, photoshoots and whatnot – you should get an opportunity to talk to him and explain at one of these times. And I don’t think Toshiya will stay cold forever, I mean – that....that’s just not possible, that’s not Toshiya. “ Die wondered for a moment at how he could sound so optimistic with the situation at hand looking rather bad – but that was him, always cheerful Die – no matter what he always came back to that....

“But will he ever  forgive me?” Kaoru’s voice sounded bleak.

“Honestly I don’t know. You’ll have to find that out by talking to him.”

“................”

“Die.......”

“Hm?”

“You know.......the reason why I slept with you....why I didn’t stop....”

“We were drunk.......and everything seemed to be like years ago....”

“Yes, but, I think I felt there was something Toshiya couldn’t give me, something that I needed though.”

Die raised an eyebrow and looked down at Kaoru who was still slumped forward but had raised his head, staring off into space.

“But.......but I was wrong, Toshiya is all I need, but, I was angry....not at something he did, but....all those little things that bothered or annoyed me at times, but I never talked about those with him. I thought those little feelings would go away with time, but.......they only grew....you know, like a small wound that you don’t care about. More dirt gets in and then it starts to fester and ooze and....”

Die made a disgusted face and playfully slapped Kaoru on the back of his head. “Now you sound like Kyo!”

Kaoru sat up again, looking at his friend, trying to explain with other words, but Die waved at him.

“It’s alright, I understand what you want to say. What started out as small and merely annoying suddenly became a big problem that hadn’t really anything to do anymore with the thing it started with.”

“Yes.......” Kaoru gave a short, sad laugh. “This may sound strange, but I think if Toshiya and me had quarrelled more this would never have happened.......”

+++

Toshiya sat up on the roof of the studio-building, at a place safely tugged away from the wind, a place Kaoru and he had sat before at night admiring the sky glowing in the lights reflected by the city.......

More tears fell freely from his eyes, tracing wet paths down his cheeks, dropping from his chin onto his jacket. He stared at his hands, so strong looking, completely unsuiting to his weak, emotional nature. Lifting his gaze the young man looked out over the city. It looked so unreal from up here, the busy city, humans hastening along its streets – the sounds were far away. Toshiya took a deep breath – as far away as his pain now? No, he hadn’t left that behind with Kaoru, but carried it along up here with his heart. The pain, the hate, the feeling of betrayal – he had meant what he had said – he hated Kaoru....or, didn’t he after all....

// I hate him....... I hate what he did, I hate the pain he caused me, I hate....... // His thoughts drifted to Kaoru, trying to imagine his face, mocking him....... but instead he saw him as he was just now, looking shocked at Toshiya’s words, shocked and guilty....and helpless. In his mind he saw Kaoru looking at him smiling full of warmth and care as he placed a gentle kiss on his forehead before getting him something against his splitting headache, saw him looking breathless and enthralled as Toshiya surprised him wearing a beautiful blue and black night-dress edged with lace, saw him as he smiled proudly as Toshiya handed him the song he had written .......

// No....was this only – an illusion – was that never real. What did it really mean to him? That.......I don’t hate that Kaoru, but....was that really him , or only a dream I lived. Kaoru I love you, I love you still.......but I hate what you did, I hate that Kaoru who betrayed me.......which one is real. Or are they both really the same. Do I love him or hate him then....... why did he hurt me....//

Toshiya looked out over the city, letting his tears run freely down his cheeks while noone watched.

~~~

Slowly Kyo wandered back to the practiceroom, completely forgetting that it had been him stopping practice for want of a cigarette in the first place.

// What’s going on inside Toshiya? First he faces down Kaoru and now he’s crying.......He doesn’t want everyone see him crying – I suppose I don’t count though cause I’ve seen him crying enough yesterday. But he never minded much before....// Kyo recalled something Toshiya had said yesterday. That he hated himself for being so weak, so emotional – if he weren’t like that Kaoru would have never been able to hurt him so much....or maybe never cheated on him in the first place. Kyo cringed inwardly. It wasn’t Toshiya’s fault but the young man had alternately blamed Kaoru or himself for what had happened, and little had Kyo been able to do to soothe Toshiya’s pain. The only thing he did was to stay at Toshiya’s side, listen to him, hug him, give him a shoulder to cry on and try to find words to make the bassist feel better – and surprisingly it had seemed to work – by late afternoon Toshiya seemed calmed down enough to let himself get distracted by dinner and some movies Kyo had at home. The young man seemed to cope with the situation well enough that he managed to stay calm as Kaoru called and asked about practice.

Toshiya’s troubles still adrift in his mind he finally turned round a bend some meters before their practiceroom. He looked up and stopped. There was Shinya, standing close at the door of the practiceroom, very close - actually it looked as if he tried to listen what was spoken on the other side – which was practically impossible. Kyo frowned.

Reluctantly Shinya stepped back from the door that had stayed open a crack as he went out, making it possible for him to listen in. He hadn’t meant to though. Only coming back to fetch some money for the vending machine he heard Kaoru and Die talking about Toshiya just as he was about to enter.......he couldn’t resist. He wanted to know what had really happened – and why.

The young man turned round and could barely surpress a startled yelp as he came face to face with Kyo / nearly bumped into Kyo. The smaller man smiled devilishly. “Now what have you been doing here Shinya?”

Blushing slightly Shinya shook his head. “Nothing,” he answered stubbornly.

“Aaahh....” Kyo’s response left no doubt that the vocalist knew very well what Shinya had been doing, but he didn’t prod the younger one further.

Thoughtful Shinya suckled at his lower lip, looking down at the blond man in front of him, the one who looked like a demon and tended to act like one at times, who tried to do anything so the word kawaii was the last thing one would associate with him – not that he was successful. The one who built his image on blood and madness – the one who had taken care of Toshiya since IT had happened....who seemed very concerned and showed compassion for the bassist. //Could he actually .......should I try to.......//

Kyo raised an eyebrow at Shinya’s solemn looking face. // What’s going on behind those pretty eyes of yours. You never tell, you never show. //

“Kyo....”

“Hn....”

“Could you....could I – talk to you.”

Kyo’s eyes grew wide in surprise and he looked at Shinya with  a teasing worried expression. “What....excuse me Shinya, please say that again, I must have misunderstood you, you didn’t say you wanted to talk with me, now did you.”

Eyes narrowing the young man turned away and walked past Kyo. ”Ok, forget it, sorry I asked.”

It took the smaller man just a moment of hesitation before he whirled round and grabbed one of Shinya’s hands. “No, wait – look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to tease you. Come on, lets go somewhere quiet where we can talk.”

Without waiting for a reply Kyo pulled him along to a calm and secluded corridor where a narrow carpeted staircase led upwards. At first Shinya had tried to pull free but then he followed Kyo reluctantly. The small blonde finally let go and sat down on the stairs, looking expectantly up at the younger man.

With a sigh Shinya sat down beside him. “You promise not to tease! You seem good at listening to Toshiya’s troubles – could you....could you do that for me too?”

“Sure, why not. I mean that’s what friends are for.......”

Shinya threw Kyo a weird glance but didn’t start talking yet.

“Uh....and I wont tease you, promise.” Kyo added cause the younger man seemed to wait for an answer. “Though I tease Toshiya too, only he doesn’t react so grumpy and touchy – I mean he does, but he’s mostly playing it.......” Kyo stopped and looked at Shinya who was staring down at his clenched hands, full lips pressed together. // Very well done Kyo, very well indeed....//

To Kyo’s surprise Shinya didn’t get up and leave but he only kept on gazing at his hands. “Perhaps....perhaps you are right. I probably am taking it all to serious but....he makes me so angry and now he did something so mean and....I hate him.”

Puzzled Kyo listened not comprehending who Shinya was talking about.

“ Perhaps I react to strongly but the way he’s treating me – he’s only making fun of me and doesn’t take me seriously. And he slept with Kaoru, just like that, and he hurt  Toshiya horribly with it and.......and the worst of all  ....... I hate him cause I fell in love with him! I hate Die!”

There  was silence, Shinya’s breathing was all that could be heard. Kyo stared at the young man beside him, his mouth standing agape at the sudden revelation. He blinked, his lips moving as he struggled for something to say. “Wow, I....I never would have thought....” // That’s an understatement Kyo, yeah, I never would have thought you felt something for Die, never thought you could talk so much about your feelings in one go and least I would have thought that I would be the one you would turn to tell.//

“ I mean, you never showed something....”

Shinya shrugged, looking uncomfortable. He still hadn’t raised his gaze as if he was to shy to look the person he spilled his heart to in the face. “I can’t. I’m not like Toshiya. I can’t just – let go and show people what I feel.”

From the corners of his eyes Kyo looked puzzled at Shinya. //But you spilled your guts to me. Just what is it with me that pretty boys end up talking to me bout their love-problems, but never end up falling in love with me.//

“And anyway, now that Die did this....I, it....it hurts. This sounds so stupid but I feel like he betrayed me too. And it doesn’t seem like he would care much about relationships anyway  - he just destroyed one. He’s so careless in what he does and says – I hate him. How could I have ever fallen for him. Die - of all people!”

Kyo felt that Shinya’s words were a bit hard against the redhead. Actually the vocalist had gotten less and less certain that the whole incident was planned by Kaoru and Die, heck he knew the guys for years now, he should know them a little better. But he was still angry at Die and Kaoru for hurting Toshiya, that he couldn’t forgive so simply, so the starting urge to defend Die was quenched quickly.

“So....you fell in love with Die but now – you hate him, or do you still love him?”

“I....I hate him but – I don’t know really, this is so confusing. I seem to feel both, but....but I’m more angry at him and....it’s like the person I fell in love with has proven himself to be a fake.”

Kyo racked his brain to find something suitable to say, something that would help the young man, some advice....”Perhaps you should confront him. I mean talk to Die and tell him ....” But before he could finish the sentence Shinya interrupted him.

“No! I can’t. I can’t tell him anything of that. And you mustn’t either.” For the first time since their little conversation started Shinya looked up, his intense gaze boring into the smaller man.

“Promise you wont tell anything of what I told you – to anyone!”

Eyes locked with Shinya’s Kyo nodded. “I promise. You can trust me.”

For one long moment Shinya held eyecontact then nodded and looked away again. “I trust you, “ he whispered softly making Kyo feel strangely warm inside.

“I don’t want him to know what I felt for him – how foolish I was. Never.”

They sat there, neither of them speaking for some moments nor looking at each other. As the silence stretched out between the two men Kyo shifted slightly trying to think of something to say, but Shinya beat him to it.

“Thank you Kyo!” the young mans voice sounded soft and made Kyo look up to find Shinya’s brown eyes resting heavily on him, backing up the sincerity with which he meant the words. A weird sensation flooded the smaller mans body, making his belly flutter slightly. Something in those big eyes that didn’t break contact with his.

Kyo opened his mouth to speak.......

The next thing he knew was that slim arms where wrapped around him. For a moment a slender body was pressed against his – before Kyo could respond in any way Shinya pulled back again. Surprised the vocalist noticed the young mans flushed cheeks.

 “Thanks Kyo.” The young drummer got up quickly and left, walking back to their practiceroom.

Puzzled Kyo stared after him, still feeling the warmth of the young man lingering with him.

// What was THAT about!?//

+++

tbc

Next Part – Breaking Tension

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tbc

Next Part – “Cold Hate”

to be continued

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