"GODDAMMIT BRIAN YOU WERE THE PERSON I  SLEPT WITH OKAY...IT WAS YOU!"

Dani regretted the words the minute they came out of her mouth, her heart dropping heavily in her body, and racing with fright.  Her eyes grew wide as she watched Brian's face drop in the same frightened manner, as she quickly turned and ran into the house as fast as her legs could take her.  What am I going to do?  She thought, slamming her bedroom door, desperately wishing she had a lock, a dead bolt to be more specific.  Dani sat on the bed, her whole body shaking, her finger-nails being bitten down to the knuckle.  She hadn't meant to blurt it out like that, she was just so mad that it just came out, making everything so much worse, so much more complicated.  She couldn't take it back and she knew he'd be coming to confront her, it was just a matter of when.

As if he was waiting for her mind to acknowledge him the door burst open, he hadn't knocked.  Her eyes met with his, she didn't know who was more scared.

    "What the hell are you talking about?" He screamed.  "What do you mean it was me?  Don't you think I'd know if it was me, don't you think I'd remember something like that?" He said like she was the stupidest person on the planet.  "Why would you come at me with a defense like that Dani?  Are you spun?"

    "You'd think you'd remember something like that, but apparently you didn't." She said stone faced.

    "Why are you playing this game with me?"

    "I wish I was playing a game." She said, the fear being replaced by the familiar anger that coursed through her veins. "But this isn't a game, it's far from it Brian."  Dani stood up from the bed, her legs feeling like rubber.

    "Dani I really don't know what kind of shit you're trying to pull to get back at me, but this is going too far, you could have at least made it believable." He said spitefully.

    "You want believable Brian.  How about you coming to my room in the middle of the night because you were freaked I might be with Trevor and kissing me in the hallway of the hotel.  How about me walking you back to your room because you could barely stand up.  How about you telling me we aren't just friends anymore and kissing me again.  Or how about you assuring me that us having sex wouldn't ruin our friendship.  Is that believable enough for you Brian?"   He stared at her blankly, she could tell he was scouring his own mind for recollection.  "You want more?  Hmmm how about when I woke up in the morning to find you puking in the bathroom you had already forgotten. "  He still remained silent.

    "No regrets Brian.  That's what you told me, did you mean that or was It just a line to get me into bed" She spat pushing past him stopping in the doorway.  "oh and you were wearing your scooby-doo boxer shorts, in case you forgot that too!" She sneered, leaving the room, nowhere to go, but needing to go somewhere.

    "I wouldn't use a line on you." He said following her into the kitchen.  "Just let me think for a minute." He said sitting down at the table.  "How am I supposed to believe you Dani?"

    "Don't believe me Brian, don't believe one goddamn word of it,  I really don't care anymore." She said spitefully.  "I'll let you dwell on it for awhile, cause I've had to deal with this since the moment it happened."

    "Why didn't you just say something then."

    "Because what's done is done and nothing is going to change it Brian, why fuck up your life too."

    "I fucked up your life?"

    "You said it, not me."

    "Maybe you and Lauren are more alike than you care to admit Dani." He shot back, her words ringing with the same tone Lauren had used so long ago.

    "Fuck you Brian.  I didn't mean to tell you, I was happy you had forgotten, and I wish to god I could forget.  But it happened, I didn't force myself on you like Lauren did and I can't believe you say something like that to me." She said dejectedly, shaking her head and leaving the kitchen.  Brian didn't follow.

        Brian had taken off in his car after tossing and turning in his bed for three hours.  Dani had gone into her room, a chair stopping anyone's entrance, and there was too much going on in Brian's mind for any sort of restful sleep to come to him.  He  drove aimlessly all night long in and around the city, spending over an hour nursing a luke-warm cup of coffee at some random truck stop in the middle of nowhere before continuing his destination-less drive.  Every moment was spent thinking, wondering, remembering, or trying to remember.  It was eating him up the way he had reacted to her, he hadn't meant that crack about Lauren the way it had come out, and she was gone before he could explain himself.  Dani wasn't Lauren, he knew that, she wasn't manipulative and bitter like Lauren and he had only made the comment because Lauren had said almost the exact same thing to him when Dani came back from Florida, about what's done is done, and fucking up her life.  Although how would Dani have know what Lauren said to me, she wouldn't have, he thought well after the fact.

    Dani's words still stayed on his mind, beckoning him to search for some memory of that night  Pictures flashed in his mind, begging and pleading with him to remember what had happened.  He could see himself yelling at Trevor at the club, pushing through crowds of people at another club, the numbers on Dani's door as he knocked on it.   He saw flashes of her face smiling at him, handing him a glass of water in the bathroom.  He could see some of it so clearly, but he still wasn't sure, was it a memory or just something he willed himself into seeing?
 

    "Why did you get into a fight with Trevor?"

    "Brian what are we doing?"

    "We're putting a good end to a good night."

    "Because of you."

     "I don't want this to ruin our friendship."

    "We're drunk Brian, do we even know what we're doing?"

    "I know what I'm doing.  I don't know about you."

    "It won't. no Regrets Dani, promise."

    "Is this the stupidest thing we've ever done?"

    "Probably."

    "I promise"

    "Thanks Dan, you're a good friend."
 

        Loud honking pulled Brian from his thoughts and a black car squealed past him on the left side.  He noticed the light was green and continued on, he was out of the city, in some small place on the outskirts of town, but he just kept driving, like the unknown destination he was looking for would clarify everything for him.   Jumbled words flew through his mind, were they real?  How could he not remember something like that?  But he knew, he knew the minute she said it that it was true.  He felt it inside, and he didn't know if it was guilt or shame that made him want to deny it so much.

He knew he had to talk to her.  He had to fix what he said and what had happened in Atlanta, but he didn't know if he could.  But he had to try.  He was what happened to Dani and he felt so bad about it.  Everything since then, the reception, the dance, the key in his room, the drive home, the way she acted around him since then, everything made sense to him now, too much sense, and it made him feel like the most stupid human to have ever lived.  Brian turned the car around, beginning the drive back to the city, the sun rising on the horizon.
 
 

    "Dani!" He yelled as he burst through the front door.

    "She isn't here Bri." Joey said from the couch, his voice groggy, Brian had probably woken him up.

    "Where is she? Work?" Brian wondered.  It's just after 7 am, she usually didn't go to work this early.

    "No, she had a bag with her.  She left like an hour ago."

    "Well where did she go?" He said with an almost frantic tone, pulling off his coat and throwing it on the floor. "I need to talk to her, it's important."

    "I don't know, she wouldn't tell me.  She just made a phone call and took off." He said, mindlessly flipping through the channels.  Brian looked in her room, just to be sure.  She was gone.  Brian walked inside the room and looked around,  picking up a framed photo that sat on a dresser.  It was of the three of them, taken the day she moved in.  Brian looked at the picture and sat down on the bed, looking at her then smiling face and wondering what had been going through her mind that night in Atlanta, if he had screwed up her life so much, why did she let it happen?  He wondered what had been going through his own mind as well.   Brian set the framed picture on the bed and picked up the book that was there.  She had scribbled phone numbers and a few other things across the page of addresses, specifically next to one address.  AJ McLean.  Brian set the book down and went back into the kitchen, grabbing the phone from it's hook and muffling the receiver as he hit re-dial, making sure Joey wasn't watching him. He was pretty sure he knew where she was.

    "Bluegrass Airport, Delta Reservations Desk, this is Cherie how can I help you?" Brian quickly hung up the phone, thinking for a moment and picking it back up.  He hit the re-dial again and waited for the woman to pick up. "Bluegrass Airport, Delta Reservations Desk, this is Cherie how can I help you?"

    "Um hi, when's your next flight to Florida?" Joey's head popped up from the couch and he stared at Brian with confusion on his face.

    "Where in Florida sir?"

    "Orlando." He said.

    "Let's see."  He could hear her typing in information on the keyboard.  "There's one that leaves at 1:55 pm, with a stop in St. Louis, and another leaving tonight at 7:30 pm."

    "Are you sure their isn't a flight earlier than that?"

    "You just missed one sir, it left half an hour ago.  Did you want to book a seat on the next one out?"

    "No." Brian hung up the phone, internally cursing everything that seemed to be going against him, why had he stayed out so long? Maybe he would have been able to catch her.

    "Brian what are you doing?" Joey asked.

    "Dani went to Orlando again." He said, sitting down at the table.

    "She left the state?  Jesus I wish she'd tell us what's going on with her."

    "I know what happened to Dani." He said dejectedly.

    "What?" Joey said sitting up on the couch.

    "I'm what happened."

    "What do you mean?"

    "It wasn't Trevor it was me."

    "It was you who what?"  He said, the answer to his question coming from the look on Brian's face.  "Wait....you slept with Dani? How could you not tell me that?"

    "I didn't remember."

    "You didn't remember!" He yelled.  "How is that even possible?"

    "Joe, remember that night we went to the fourth of july party at Rick's cabin and you did a strip show for the crowd?"  Brian said defensively, as Joey hunted his mind for the memory Brian knew he didn't have.  Joey shrugged. "Exactly, It was the same thing for me in Atlanta.  I was drunk, I don't remember."

    "Is she pregnant?" Joey asked.

    "I don't know, she wouldn't tell me.  She was more pissed we listened to her phone conversation." Brian stared pensively out the front door of the house.  "What exactly did you hear her say?"

    "I dunno, something about not using a condom and about being late."  Brian push his head into his hands and sighed deeply.  "So you don't remember anything?"

    "Some things she said to me are starting to come back, but god it all seems like a weird dream.  Why the hell would I do something like that, especially with Dani?"

    "I dunno man." Joey said, shaking his head and looking at him with disappointment.

    "I know Joey, I feel bad enough without you giving me more guilt."

    "I didn't say anything!" He said defensively.

    "She's gone Joey.....she took off again and I don't know if I can fix it this time."

    "So, what are you gonna do?"

    "I don't know."  Brian said shaking his head.  "I didn't want things to be this way with her."

    "How did you want it to be?" Joey asked.

    "I don't know."  He said sadly.  "....perfect."
 
 

        Dani stepped from the cab and up to the doors on the front of AJ's apartment building, hoping he was home and just not answering his phone, like usual.  She went up the stairs to his apartment, knocking on the door and waiting for him to come.

    "Damnit." She swore to herself after ten minutes of knocking and waiting.  That's what I get for coming without making sure he'd be here. She thought, quickly scratching a note out and slipping it under his door, letting him know she was in town and that she'd call him later.  Dani grabbed her bag and turned back downstairs, hoping she'd be able to get a cab and find a cheap hotel for the night.

    Dani smiled when she saw him coming towards her in the hall, his ever familiar off the wall style shouting to her like a megaphone that he was here, he walked with a listless step, his head hung down, hands buried deep in the over-sized pants he was wearing.

    "Alexander McLean!" She said with a grin on her face.  He looked up from his feet, knowing the voice that beckoned him, she could see the elation on his face as he practically bound towards her, wrapping his skinny arms around her with a hug.   AJ hugged her like he hadn't seen her  in years, swaying her back and forth.

    "Come on up." He said breaking from the hug, grabbing her bag and pulling her down towards the apartment door she had just spent ten minutes knocking on.  AJ unlocked the door and pushed it open, letting her in first.  Dani looked around the room, a room who's couch she had slept on countless times after a late night study session or a weekend party.  "Sorry about the mess." He said opening the window shades, picking up the empty wrappers and dirty dishes that sat on a table.

    "AJ, this is clean compared to how it used to be."  AJ shrugged, knowing she was right.

    "I can't believe you're here!  Actually, I don't want this to sound bad, but what are you doing here?" Dani couldn't find the words to answer his question.  She didn't even know why she was here, it was just the first place she felt she could run to.

    "Dan?"

    "I don't know."

    "Well, I'm glad you're here, for whatever reason..."

    "I told him AJ!" Dani said interrupting his sentence.

    "Told who?"

    "I told Brian, AJ.  I told him!" She could see the dawning of what she was talking about come over his face.

    "Oh shit!  What'd he say?"  AJ sat down next to her on the couch, reaching down on the table for a pack of cigarette's, pulling one out and lighting it up.

    "He freaked out, told me I was playing a sick game, and that I was full of shit.  Then he said I was just like my sister." The sick feeling in her stomach that had disappeared when she saw AJ was back, the feeling that had been there since Brian denied everything and blamed her for it happening.

    "Are you fucking serious?  And, you're in love with this guy? You say this guy's your best friend and this is how he treats you? Holy shit Dani..." AJ yelled.

    "You're one to talk about being in love with someone who treats you like shit AJ!"  Dani shot back defensively.

    "Dan, we aren't talking about me."

    "Why am I so fucking stupid?" She said, laying back into the couch, staring at the ceiling, puffs of AJ's cigarette smoke wafting into her view.

    "You aren't stupid.  Don't say that,"  He said, always reassuring her, always telling her things he should say to himself.

    "If sleeping with your best friend that you have been madly in love with for as long as you can remember  in a drunken stupor only to have him forget the whole night happened.  Then when you finally tell the guy that he was the one who has turned you into a "psycho hermit bitch", his words not mine, he freaks out and accuses you of forcing yourself on him.  If that isn't stupid, then please enlighten me AJ, what is?"

    "Dani, doing what you did...that's not stupid.  Sure, you weren't thinking, but you didn't marry him in your drunken stupor did you? No.  He's the stupid one, he can't even see what he's got in front of him.  Stop blaming yourself Dani, it's not becoming."  Dani rolled her eyes at him, although he didn't see her.

    "Want something to drink or eat?" He said, getting up off the couch and moving into the kitchen.

    "No, I'm not hungry."

    "AJ?" She asked, wanting to change the subject.

    "Yeah?"

    "How are things?"

    "How are things always with me?"  He said pouring himself something to drink.

    "Complicated." She laughed.

    "Complicated is good." AJ said sitting back next to her on his couch.   "I'd say fucked up is better though."

    "Have you seen her."

    "No.  I've thought about calling her, but I can't do it.  Every time I think about calling her, I just see her all tangled up with that asshole." She watched him shut his eyes and open them again with the most pained expression on his face, a pain she hadn't seen since Maria left.

    "Why do you keep falling for them AJ?" She sighed, more a thought to herself than a question to him.

    "What kind of question is that Dani?  Are you trying to make me feel worse than I already do?" He yelled.

    "Oh sure, that coming from Mr. "It's not becoming of you to blame yourself!" She snapped back.

    "Fuck you Dani!" He yelled again, getting up and walking away from her.  Things were always like this between them, the simplest thing would set one of them off and they'd end up in a fight over it.

    "Look, maybe I shouldn't have come here or maybe I'm not the best person to be around right now." Dani said getting up off the couch, she hadn't meant to bring him down with her, or further than he already was. "I'm just gonna go to some hotel and I'll talk to you before I leave."

    "Dan, don't do that." AJ stopped her before she could get near the door.  "Look, I'm sorry.  I'm glad you're here, and I haven't seen you for months.  You aren't staying at some hotel." He stated firmly.   "Frankly, I need you here right now."

Dani lost her composure and broke down, finally.  She was so caught up in being angry at herself and Brian, that the hurt his denial had caused had never fully settled in.  AJ pulled her into a hug, letting her tears fall, letting her crumble into pieces so maybe she could be put back together.

    "I'm sorry AJ." Dani said trying to regain her composure.

    "What are you sorry for?"

    "I'm sorry I'm being a bitch to you for no reason, I really didn't come here to take my frustrations out on you.  You're the only person who knows everything about what happened and how I'm feeling, and I just needed to be around someone who might actually want me to be around."

    "Dani, I want you around. You know I love you and well...you're always a bitch,"   He laughed, bring a smile back to her face, guiding her back to a seat on the couch.  They sat together, his head leaning against hers as she spilled everything she was thinking.

    "I didn't mean to tell him AJ, I just blurted it out.  I was so mad, they had been listening to my phone calls and Brian just wouldn't leave me alone.  I just snapped." She explained.  "In all the reactions I imagined him having I wasn't ready for the real one.  Does he really think I'd say something like that if it weren't true?  And comparing it to what my sister did, he's known me since we were kids AJ, how can he even think I'd do that.  I'm not that type of person, I really thought he knew that, I thought he knew me." Dani's body shook with tears.  "Why do I let him get to me like that?  Why can't things just go back to the way they were?"

    "Do you mean the days where you spent all your time loving a guy who didn't love you back, or the days where you didn't talk to him for five years?" AJ said, always playing the devils advocate.

    "Don't start AJ." She said bluntly, not strong enough to get in another spat with him.  AJ conceded and reached for the remote, turning on the TV, both of them forgoing conversation for awhile, they were both a little too touchy to talk to each other for the moment.  Neither of them even moved when the phone rang,  the machine picking up after the fourth ring, both of them turning to look at each other as they listened to the message being left.

    "Hi, um.  I'm looking for Dani, I think she's down there.  If she's at your place, or if you talk to her can you please tell her Brian is looking for her.  I need to talk to her, it's important.  Thanks."
 
 

Lyrics Taken From:
"Everybody Hurts" R.E.M.
Written by: Berry/B/M/S
© 1992 WEA/Warner Brothers