Prologue: Forever
Prologue: Forever
"What's your problem?" Nick yelled at her from across the room.
"What's my problem? You're the one freaking out over nothing."
"You call losing an entire disk full of songs NOTHING. That took me months and months of work."
"It's not my fault you were a moron and didn't have a back up."
"Do you want to keep your job?"
"Are you threatening me Nick? Because if you don't want me working here I'll leave. I came to work for you, not for your attitude or your ego!"
"Why do you always have to be such a bitch about everything?"
"Why do you always have to freak out over everything? You're such a child."
"Kayla YOU lost MY files."
"You gave them to me."
"Argh.........JUST FIND IT!" He screamed in frustration.
"Fine." She simply said, walking out of the small studio he had built in his basement and up the stairs. He had been all prepared to start putting music to the words he had written while out on the road, words that had come to him in nights of fitful sleep on a bus, or while trying to calm down on a plane. And she lost them. Over a dozen songs he had started, that he had typed and saved onto that disk because he knew he wouldn't remember them the next day. So what if I didn't back it up? He thought angrily, I trusted her to bring it back to the house in case I lost it, and she goes and loses it. I should never have hired her. Nick played with the notes on the piano, trying to find a tune, something he picked up from Kevin, hoping that something would catch his ear and bring back at least one of the songs he had hoped to work on today. The light tinkle of the keys didn't bring back memories of the songs, but they reminded him vividly of the rain that fell on the roof of his car, and of the fight he had with Jenna.
Seven months. He thought. That's a long time, it seems like just yesterday we ended things. Well since she ended things, I don't know why I let her leave like that?
Nick knew every song on that disk was about her, about missing her, and hating her at the same time. Every time it rained he thought about her, remembering everything she said that night, and the tear-filled kiss she had given him when she darted from his car and into a nearby cab. He had spent three years with her, three years with someone he had always considered his soul mate, someone he loved. She knew I loved her, we were gonna get married, why did she do this?
Nick played the same notes over and over again, remembering her. The way her soft blond hair felt when he swept it from her face, and the way she looked at him with those piercing indigo eyes. Jenna, Jenna, Jenna. His mind said over and over with the repetitive notes, but still nothing he had written had returned to his memory. Nick pushed his chair back from the keyboard scratching his face, the two days worth of stubble he had let grow was making him itchy, but he didn't feel like shaving. In fact he didn't feel like doing much of anything. Except working on those songs, he thought. Christ why did I ever trust her to hold that disk. The only reason I sent it to her in the first place is so I wouldn't lose it, he thought with annoyance. He contemplated Kayla's job, reminding himself she'd only been working for him for a few weeks so letting her go wouldn't be too painful. He had hired Kayla to help keep him organized, to watch the house and the dogs while he was away. Our dogs, his mind returned to thoughts of Jenna. She was the one who used to do all that stuff. Nick had been forced to hire some help when he came to the conclusion he couldn't keep leaving the dogs with friends and family, and he certainly couldn't take them on the road. Kayla is nice though, a little bitchy at times, but what woman isn't? As if she heard his thoughts, she came bounding down the stairs, ignoring the fact he wanted his privacy, as usual.
"Did you find it?" He asked.
"Nope, didn't look."
"Then what do you want?"
"I'm going to McDonalds, want something?"
"No." He said bluntly tinkling the keys again, waiting for her to leave, but she just stood there. "I said no." He repeated.
"She's moved on by now, I don't know why you can't."
"What do you know about it?" He asked, not lifting his head.
"I play around on the internet, I know she beat you up, stole one of your kidney's and killed your dog."
"WHAT?!" He said jerking his head up, she had a big smile plastered on her face.
"Well at least you're paying attention to me today. Do you know I told you one of those mutts you own chewed off my leg and stole your car yesterday and you just said 'Uh-huh' and kept pouting."
"I'm not pouting."
"Yes you are, and I know enough about it to know why. Get over yourself, get on with your life."
"Kayla, who the hell are you to say this shit to me? No one. You don't know me, or anything about me, butt out and stick to what I hired you for."
"From my point of view it isn't the dogs that seem to need the baby-sitting Mr. Carter." She said spitefully turning and going up the stairs.
"FIND MY DISK KAYLA!" He yelled before she shut the door.
He hated it when she called him Mr. Carter, and he hated even more that she was probably right about Jen, she probably has moved on with her life, found someone new. It's not that he didn't want to move on, it's just that it was hard to do it. He didn't want to move from another house, for the longest time he'd had anonymity from the fans here, no one had been stealing his mail, or bothering him, but this was her house too, she was in everything, the walls, the rooms, the air, and he didn't want to get rid of anything, none of her things or memories. He had just gotten off touring again, unloving, uncaring touring, night after night in a new hotel room, and he had nothing better to do than dwell on Jenna and why she left. Sure he could get his kicks at any given moment, there was always some fan waiting in the hotel lobby, or someone somewhere, but all it was was a one night stand, a quick relief of the poisons, that couldn't even come close to filling the void she had left in him. He had never weighed the consequences of everything he did when he was with her, everything she didn't know about, and even the things she did. Did he ever think she would leave him? No. Plain and simple. He loved her, but did he treat her right? He didn't even know. Obviously not, since she left me, he thought. Nick leaned back in the leather chair he was sitting in, contemplating how different things were now, he had no love to give, she took it all away from him. Nothing made sense to him anymore, not music, not love, not relationships and especially not life. He had seen three out of five band mates get married, some of them even had little kids and here he was sitting alone in his basement because the person he thought he would eventually marry is gone. All I have are my dogs and a bitchy assistant, he thought with a semi chuckle.
"God I promised myself I wouldn't think about her today!" He screamed out loud, swiveling around in his chair, slapping his forehead with his palms. He couldn't do this anymore, two hundred and eleven days thinking about her and missing her and hating himself for it. He knew he'd crumble at her feet if she came back and it made him feel weak and pathetic, it was a helpless feeling nothing could help, not sex, not drugs, not alcohol, not even the string of therapists he had decided to go to. He wasn't supposed to be affected like this, he was a man, he was a superstar, he was fucking Nick Carter. This should have been like water off a duck's back, just another bad relationship to add to the ones he already had. But he couldn't move on, he couldn't erase what she said and why she left and it changed his whole life, it changed him. Forever.