LOCAL MAN INVESTIGATED FOR FIRE CHARGES

(Yakima) A local man, Dale Parke, is under investigation by the authorities for being grossly inept with fire, according to unnamed sources. "He's a nutcase", says one unnamed source who happens to live in Idaho.

Authorities have confirmed that Mr. Parke's whereabouts on the night the Hindenburg burst into flames are of particular concern. "We'd also like to talk to him about the whereabouts of a Mr. Smokey D. Bear" said one investigator. They used to be drinking buddies but nobody has seen him in months."

To note, this reporter was runoff by Mr. Parke who smelled like a can of lighter fluid and had asked for a match.

OLD LADY FOUND WITH 500 CATS

(Yakima) A local business owner has been cited by the Humane Society for keeping more cats than she could count. 

"There's got to be 500 of them in there!" exclaimed Ms. Putrid Mouse from the humane society. 

When asked for a remark, she gave several, none of which are printable in this family newspaper. 

"THIS OLD HOME" CANCELS YAKIMA SHOW

(Hollywood) "This old Home", a popular show that turns decrepit homes into beautiful stately houses, has abruptly pulled out of redoing a home on the 105000 block of Summitview.

"There's only so much you can do", said the producer when asked for a comment. "Plus, the thing is full of cats".

The show has refocused on a similar substandard dwelling in the Puyallup area as a backup.

LOCAL WRITER FOUND DEAD

(Puyallup) A local aspiring humor writer has been found dead.

"We've got loads of suspects" says Detective Kluless of the Pierce County Sheriff. "We think it was a family member, somebody he offended. they all hate him. Especially the mother inlaw who kept going on about some obscure box of bad chocolate"

The victim did manage to write out a message before he died, says the detective, but all it said was "Rosebud is a Sleigh". "What the hell does THAT mean?" said the detective irritably. 

Detective Kluless would not comment on a report that a Soccer Ball was found near the body. 

SPOKANE MAN'S  LAND SPEED RECORD THWARTED

(Spokane) A local daredevil, known by his stage name as "Torres with the Morrez", had his bid for a new land speed record thwarted today by an unfortunate run-in with a slow moving Volvo.

"Here, I was, just leaving my driveway and doing about 100. I thought I had a chance when right in front of me some old bat in her Volvo was doing like 10 mph!" groaned the daredevil. "The car was an old, brown Volvo."

The police soon stopped the slow moving automobile that was driven by a "rather cantankerous old woman" according to the official police file. The woman also claimed to be driving so slowly because she was in a "old Volvo, dammit" and because she had somehow gotten her hand stuck in the cassette player. 

After a short mental evaluation, she was declared insane and was returned home.

LOCAL DOG BARRICADES SELF IN HOME

(Boise) A local dog has barricaded himself inside a home and is keeping police at bay using crochet needles. "She's dangerous all right", said one officer after almost being crocheted in the hand.

The incident apparently happened after the dog was proscribed some new "Doggie Prozac" by the girlfriend of the owner. "It would have been ok", said the obviously concerned owner who was drinking a beer at the time, "if I hadn't let her watch all of those stupid Lassie shows. They made him go nuts!"

The scene was further intensified by a lone protestor who bore a sign saying "Shoot all of the Dogs". The protestor, who went by the name of Spats, ignored all requests for an interview and just turned his back. 

SECRET OF ETERNAL YOUTH FOUND

(Oxnard) Researches disclosed today that an Oxnard woman has seemingly found the secret of eternal youth.

"She hasn't aged since she was 39" said the researcher. "1939".

According to the scientists who studied her daily actions, the secret apparently lies in drinking martinis, only shopping at 'Pic and Save' and by living in a house smaller than a toy box. 

Carbon dating has dated several relics found in her home to the turn of the 18th century and the results on several hair pieces were due shortly.  

(Puyallup) A local couple has been charged with kidnapping after the eight year old girl found her real parents, a king and queen, and reported her abductors to police.

"Horrible, absolutely horrible" said the delighted queen. "They actually fed her NOODLES for dinner. Noodles! A princess! These people should be executed!"

The young girl is expected to make a full recovery and has been sent to an exclusive "cheerleader and exotic dance" retreat in Switzerland.

LOCAL GONGAZA STAR TO BE IN FOX REALITY SERIES

(Spokane) A local, unnamed Soccer Star  has been selected to star in the next FOX reality series. The series, tentatively entitled "Meet Jessie's Family", follows the exploits of a number of suitors all of which have to meet various family members. Each week, these family members vote one suitor off until they end where, rumor has it, she is shipped off to a covenant high in the Andes. 

MAN IN HOSPITAL AFTER ACCIDENT

(Yakima) A local man is recovering in the hospital after running his tractor into what authorities call "a nest of tomato cages".

According to witnesses, the man using a gasoline Weedeater when he ran into the nest. The cages then attacked his weedeater and ate all of the line.

The man was hospitalized after attempting to stuff the cages and the weedeater into a parked Volvo nearby when his wife who, as she said, "thought he was just another cat", accidentally backed up over him.

COLLINS FAMILY TO REPLACE OSBORNS

(Hollywood) In an effort to boost sagging ratings, Ozzie Osborne and family have been dumped for an obscure Northwest family that promised to be even "more dysfunctional than you thought possible" on MTV.

"Wait until you meet the older brother" remarks one happy-faced producer. "You'll never truly get bored with his multiple personalities. The series pilot alone has him as Mohammed Ghandi, President Bush and Oprah Winfrey!"

And for those who will miss Ozzie's un-potty trained dogs, they will delight in the two animals in the series that are "like sausages, only with legs".

The series begins tonight on Channel 17.