HOSPICE/MENTAL WARD OPENS IN WEST YAKIMA

(Yakima) A local business man and his mother in-law have opened a combination hospice and mental health facility in West Yakima off of Summitview. 

"We think we have all the correct ingredients" says Ms. Reyes, commenting either on her business venture or her Tequila drink". One patient is already there and "challenging the hell out of us" says Mr. Parke, the other owner.

The current patient, obviously quite mentally disturbed, ranted to this reporter about her poor treatment at the hands of her "evil and twisted relatives". When asked, Ms. Reyes disregarded the complaint and told us, "but she babbled with cats". 

LEFT TURNS BANNED

(E. Washington) A local group has succeeded in banning all left turns in the western half of the state. "We all know that right is right and left is, well, communist" says their spokesperson. "And next we're going after those weird left-handed people who can't write right." 

RELATIVE FORECAST:

Chance of Rain in Yakima: 0%

Chance of Rain in Puyallup: 100%

Chance that Jessie makes it another 3 months without changing her major: 15%

Chance that Dale allows Jackie to live after surgery: 8%

Chance that George settles down and has kids: God help us all.

Chance that any female that reads this typically takes their own pillows on a trip: 99.9%

Chance that tarp, oops, I mean "roof" blows off of home in Yakima: 50%

Chances of any man in this family desiring beef for dinner: 100%

Chances of any man in this family eating chicken for the rest of his life: 100%

LOCAL COUPLE QUESTIONED BY FBI

(Boise) A local couple has been questioned for "really odd and weird behavior" says Mr. Doug Ashcroft of the FBI. 

"We have suspected them for awhile" he said, showing us a picture of the terrorists (ed., picture of the terrorists are below). "That beard, that mustache, for just add some red horns and viola!"

"And the woman is masquerading as a doctor," says Mr. Ashcroft, "but we saw through that ploy right away. We have it, from confidential sources who may or may not be directly related to the man and may or may not live in Puyallup, that the man has less class than a Yakima High School." 

"We have deduced that their evil plans are code-named 'Cross Stitch'" said the inspector, frowning. If you see either of these people, the FBI recommends that you call 966-2746 and tell the person who answers that her son sure looks funny in a tie.

SPOKANE WOMAN TO HOST MEDICAL ADVICE SHOW

(Boise) An RN in Spokane has been selected to replace "Dr. Phil" and provide "Real, poignant" advice on a host of medical issue confronting very slope headed people in the studio audience.

"We were looking for someone who wouldn't mince words, one who would tell you that, even if you were as healthy as a horse, that you were still going to die".

"Dr. Erin", as the new show will be called, is replacing the popular Dr. Phil show after the revelation of a love child between he and Oprah  was discovered. 

MEETING ANNOUNCEMENTS:

Incontinent dog association will be meeting in a squalid, small house in West Yakima

Teenage whining girls will be meeting in Puyallup. Special speaker: Gonzaga Soccer Star

(Seattle) Tim Eyman has filed I-999, in an attempt to repeal the law of gravity according to his campaign manager, one Terry Sexton. 

The leader of the "I Went To School With Him and Need Therapy"  group, Karlyn Collins, claimed that this was "just another stupid initiative" and that everyone should immediately send all of their money to the teachers.

When asked to comment, Mr. Eyman claimed that "the law of gravity is a left-wing, whacko construct made by liberals like Mrs. Collins." He also went on to berate the idea of global warming before heading off in shorts to the Antarctic for a week's vacation.

MASTERCARD ADVERTISEMENT

"Gonzaga Soccer Star"

Price of Pizza: $20.00

Price of new school books since she just changed her major again: $100.00

Ability to purchase tickets to a boys basketball game in Salt Lake City without being put on TV and watched by her parents: PRICELESS

CULT MOVES TO YAKIMA MALL

(Yakima) An odd religious cult, headed by the Ayatollah-Freaky-Ollah, aka Brian Collins, has moved into the Yakima Mall.

"They were the only party interested" said the unnamed but really, really stupid owner. "Plus, since they don't own cars, they didn't have to pay my parking fee."

An interview with the Ayatollah was requested, but he was apparently have a very humorous discussion with a potted plant that had caught his attention"

"It could be worse," says the City Manager who refused to disclose his name but you could just look it up if you wanted to, it could have been a really evil cult, like Amway."