HAUNTED HOUSE

(Yakima) In an amazing coincidence,  the house of recent robbery victims has been deemed to be "haunted" by noted paranormal investigators.

"We were trying to investigate a robbery when we saw a box begin making a loud, throaty sound and then began jumping up and down" said one officer who wished not to be named. "We all ran out as quickly as we could, but were blocked by some old dog that seemed to be frozen. It was weird."

Paranormal investigators have found odd things all around the house. "Strange smelling oozing stuff" was coming from the refrigerator and the same stuff was frozen in the freezer, according to one investigator. The clue may lie in the basement but as of yet they've had no volunteers to enter it. "Stay in the light" is our motto, says one.

BOY FORGETS ALL CLOTHES

(Puyallup) A local boy apparently forgot to put clothes on and went through a day of school, according to administrators.

"When I asked him what was going on," said Mr. Fox, "he just started rambling about space stations."

"Usually it's just his shoes" said his distraught mother, slurping down a $2 latte from a seedy looking establishment. "But today he forgot all of it."

The boy was initially emberassed, but quickly forgot about the episode once presented with food.

RELATIVE FORECAST:

Chance of Rain in Yakima: 0%

Chance of Rain in Puyallup: 100%

Chance that Jackie will not use the "they cancelled Easter, they found the body" joke with George and his girlfriend this weekend: 5%

Chance that George and James need to go with Dale to replace stolen .22 as this is one of those "really cool things to do": 100%

Chance that Jackie and Dale had their TV Stolen: 100%. 

Chance that is was the 27 inch one they claimed: 10%

HUGE ROBBERY AT HOME OF WEALTHY YAKIMANIANS

(Yakima) In a brazen robbery, the home of Mr. and Mrs. Parke was ransacked by thieves last week.

"We have quite a few suspects" said Inspector Clusoe of the Yakima Police Department. "We asked the owners if they knew anyone who disliked them and they pulled out the phone book, said 'here' and left."

An unnamed source in the investigation has indicated that particular attention is being placed upon one individual who goes by the street name of "Spats". Described as dark, quite small and inherently twitchy, every attempt to question "Spats" has been met with disdain and silence according to sources.

The thieves apparently entered the house through a backdoor. Security was problematic at the house, according to the inspector, "it had fewer locks that the Gonzaga women's dorm" he said.

Police have a description of the vehicle, a Ford Bronco, but "given that it was old, broken down and covered in rust it will be difficult to find in Yakima" said the inspector. 

Taken in the robbery were several precious items, including a large dowry currently owed to their son in-law. 

Yakima police ask if you see anything suspicious, first check to see if they are busy at the donut shop and then, perhaps, call them.

MEETING ANNOUNCEMENTS:

The "Robbers Anonymous Group of America" will be continuing their convention in West Yakima. Events will be announced via the police blotter.

"Girls without horses" will be having their convention in Puyallup. A special speaker is on the agenda, Mr. Sharpo who is an attorney that specializes in suing "parents who don't cave into our demands"

NEW TRADEMARK LISTED

The following words have been trademarked by HANNAH COLLINS ENTERPRISES:

"Just a minute". 

This is to be used only in certain circumstances, such as all of the time according to their spokeswoman.

(Yakima) New panhandlers have been seen in Yakima, according to local witnesses. 

"They hold up signs," said Ms. Eleine Dover of Yakima, "that are badly spelled and really messy, like written by a lefty with a bad shoulder". 

"They say things like: HAVE HOME. HAVE WORK. NO COFFEE" and "I HAVEN'T WATCHED TV IN A WEEK AND I NEED HELP".

The male of the group calls himself as the "blind man", even though witnesses say his eyesight is fine due to his ogling of younger women that pass by. "He's downright despicable" says Martha Boorman of Selah, "looking at those women! Why, they could be his daughter! His granddaughter! his Great-great-great-great granddaughter!" Another witness, Mr. Stone Philips of Yakima indicated that "just about every women is younger than him".

Police are investigating, but, as their is no theft of a firearm involved, we wouldn't hold our breath. 

CLASSIFIED ADS

"Back of Bronco Sale"

Television. Only seems to get "Lifetime" and the "History Channel" - $50. DVD Player - bad movies - $25. Answering machine - FREE. Will be parked in East Yakima, randomly, for next few days.

TV LISTINGS:

Shrek: A wildly funny movie that is really easy to fall asleep while watching: ABC 9:00pm.

Lifetime has a marathon of "Evil husbands and what we can do with them" starting Tuesday at 8:00pm

The "REALLY OLD MOVE CHANNEL" for people with borrowed black and white TV's who are waiting for an insurance settlement is on tonight at 8:00pm

DONATE TO THE "PARKE FUND"

If you think our National Parks are in danger, wait till you see how bad out Natural Parkes are. For only $100 per day, you can:

- Sponser an old man's smoking habit

- Buy latte's for someone who speaks to animals

Don't Wait - send you money (or chocolate) NOW!