Twas right before Christmas, the police came to the house,

Probably looking for Brian, I said, “the dirty louse”,

The stockings were hung by the chimney without care,

You see Karlyn didn't hasn't gotten to the laundry since before the Puyallup fair,

The children, those brats, were reading in bed,

as I put crumbs on the kitchen floor with a piece of bread,

With Karlyn engulfed in layers of flannel,

I sat there in vain trying to descramble the playboy channel,

When out in the garage there arose such a clatter,

Karlyn whacked me and said "HEY! go see what's the matter"

Away to the window I stumbled half blind,

tore open the curtains which were poorly designed,

The lights from that damn neighbor's clicked on in my face,

blinded my eyes and I broke a cheap "cutesy" vase, ($5, Walmart)

when, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

but my mother in-law and 8 wild kittens acting quite queer,

Jackie was chasing them but they were too quick,

She was using something that looked like a stick,

More rapid than eagles, around they flew,

and Jackie screamed their names like she was running a zoo,

Get In there Dasher, and you too Dancer,

Stop it Prancer! I'm a fixen'

Come On, Vomet! Come On, Stupid!

Get in there now you goddamned Blitzen!

Get off the damn porch!

Get off the damn wall!

Move it, move it, I'm selling you at the mall!

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

the cats roared up the gutter and into the sky,

so up to the house-top the kittens they flew,

followed quickly by Jackie and Dale too.

And then, in a twinkling, I knew on the roof

a cat had pooped, the stench was certain proof,

As I drew in my head and eyes began to water,

Guess who came in but my eldest daughter

She was dressed in sweatshirts, from her foot to her head,

That hadn't been washed but stored under the bed,

Jocele and George stumbled in next,

Jocele like a doctor but George like T-Rex

Henry appeared, a cat he did carry,

His eyes—they twinkled! His dimple (that momma liked) how merry!

I saw what they had and screeched "Hell No!"

but they disappeared as I was too slow,

Jessie was there, tired from Soccer,

and began shoving kittens into a portable storage locker,

Mimi was too, eating something smelly,

Oh God, I thought, it's lutefisk jelly,

Jackie ran in, chasing a cat,

carrying a cage and swinging a bat,

A wink of her eye and a twist of her head

made me think she should have taken Prozac instead,

She spoke not a word, but went straight to her work,

grabbing kittens by the neck and acting quite berserk,

She showed us a finger that wasn't very nice,

and then looked at the last kitten that she have to entice,

 The cat sprang up on its legs and bit her little finger,

"Damn it – it's Spats!" she said without even a linger.

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

and Jackie right after them, a Norwegian missile,

I heard her exclaim, as she fell out of sight,

"This family really, really does bite!"