The Family Rag
Basically Just Drivel since 2004
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GUEST ALMOST DIES WOMAN UNDER SUSPICION (Police focus on “Lime Squares”) (AP) A local Puyallup woman is under suspicion after one of her “Bunco” guests was rushed to the hospital last night. “Well, she WAS winning” was the only comment from the
hostess. Other participants say that the woman holding the party
was acting oddly. First, she had been short tempered all day say her husband
and children. “Yea, being a real, you know that word that I get in trouble
for saying it” replied one daughter, whose name we will change to “Sophia” to
protect her identify. She has also exhibited a fixation with being Martha
Stewart lately says another. “She actually, freaking COOKED, for God’s sake,”
said one anonymous source who happens to drive a Nissan Pathfinder. Police also are doubtful of her story. “She even had the
audacity to she was only 29” says one officer. “Then she said her grandmother
was only 39!” SPOKANE SOCCER STAR GETS INTERNSHIP (Spokane) Jessie T.,
the local soccer star and Chile’s Restaurant phenomenon, has apparently been
given an internship from some very obscure sports team for 2004 and 2005. Her mother, Ms. Erin
T. of Hotterthanhell, Washington, was rather surprised of this fact. “This isn’t an internship
like the Bill Clinton thing, is it?” she questioned this reporter. When asked
if that would bother her, because of Clinton’s deviations with interns in the
area, she clarified. “No, it’s not that. I
just don’t like Democrats.” 2004 “COUPLE OF THE YEAR” SET FOR GALA OCTOBER WEDDING (Boise) In spite of
warnings by experts, two members of the Boise community are scheduled to get
hitched in October at a winery near Boise. “It’s going to be a
beautiful wedding” said the bride to be. The groom was rather more
pessimistic. “It’s going to be a wedding where two families get together like
matter and anti-matter.” He then droned on about some “Star Trek episode” and
this report’s mind wandered. The couple plans to
reside in the Boise area where they will build the 100-room mansion of their
dreams. “It will take awhile” said the groom. “Welding together 100
single-wide trailers is a time consuming process.” COAST GUARD CALLED OUT ON HOLLAND AMERICA SHIP. (Seattle) The coast
guard was recently dispatched to a Holland America cruise vessel after crew
members observed several passengers acting strangely, say authorities. “First, one of them
was complaining the whole time. The food was bad, the shows were bad. She
even said the drinks were watered down! Hell, everyone knows we water down
the drinks. What is she, a consumer reporter?” The crew also viewed
one of the group, an elderly man with a penchant for bad coffee, “falling
asleep whenever his body became horizontal. It was like narcolepsy or
something.” But what made them
finally call the coast guard was one of two sisters. “She said some really
strange words” said someone who obviously spoke English as a 2nd
language, “like infarction and Yakima. We just know it was terrorist-speak.” Authorities released
the group after searching through their belongings and finding that one of
them had “grabbed everything not nailed down, apparently for future Christmas
gifts.” An investigation
continues. |
DOG-NAPPING IN OREGON. FUGITIVES FLEE TO MONTANA. (Helena) It was the
FBI is referring to as a “dog-napping”, two fugitives are being sought in the
Helena area. The man and woman,
along with a small but overly excitable small dog accomplice, procured the
new dog in Oregon and then immediately ran for Montana. “We’re very worried about the puppy” said
one animal control officer. “We’ve seen how much they feed their other
animals. We don’t want it turning into a sausage with legs.” The man is described
as “bigger than 6 foot, well built like an ex-marine and with a cheesy
mustache.” The woman is described
as “being able to subdue the ex-marine handily.” If you see either of
these two characters, please notify the authorities so they can come back and
take the German and Australian Shepards they left in Puyallup. DOCTORS GET LOST, SETTLE IN WRONG COAST. (Eugene) Two army
doctors, recently returning from the Middle East, have settled in Salem, OR. “We wanted to live in
a place with a lost of history” said “D”, who asked only to be quoted by her
initial. “Our boy can be quite a handful and we were going to ask the nearest
witch for some help.” When told by locals
that they had settled some 2,500 miles away from the Salem that they wanted,
they took it with some solace. “It’s not that bad”
said D’s husband, “we signed up for ‘Fun in the Sand’ and next thing we knew,
there were bullets whizzing over our heads in Iraq.” The couple plans to
stay in the area and take frequent trips to Portland for “good east coast
crabs”. Given their rather
poor geographic skills and after consultation with family they have decided
to either invest in an Atlas, or become Republicans. FAMILY FUN… The family says it’s from Norway, but… 1. They’re always lost, so how can you tell? 2. Even Norwegians can cook 3. Norway denies it Measures real estate by… 1. Singlewide 2. Doublewide 3. Something you
married into Thinks the following are actually vacation spots… 1. Cheney 2. Toppenish 3. Boise. In October.
Outside. Cannot stand the following: 1. Going downstairs 2. Driving “all the way” across town. All 2 miles of it 3. Each other Thinks heat is bearable when its… 1. A dry heat 2. Only 80 in the shade 3. They’re not there Thinks the rain is bearable when its… 1. Still measured in inches 2. They’re fishing 3. They’re not in it |