CATCHING WILD KITTENS

 

  1. Find Metal Cage
  2. Wonder why cage has to be so damned big
  3. Count cats. Understand why cage has to be so damned big.
  4. Put cage in conspicuous area.
  5. Wait, in the freezing temperatures, for 30 minutes
  6. Have it dawn on you that cats usually don't waltz into large metal cages, even if they are in conspicious areas, at least without enticement
  7. Get out milk from fridge
  8. Wonder if "Pull Date: April, 1999" is a good or a bad thing
  9. Get Bag of Cat Food as enticement
  10. Throw away empty bag of Cat Food
  11. Make Dale drive to store to get more God Damn Cat Food
  12. Put Cat food in Dish
  13. Bright idea. Dish will not fit into cage
  14. Spill cat food putting dish into cage upside down. Look surprised
  15. Pick up each piece of cat food and put into cage
  16. Wonder why fingers went numb
  17. Wait for 10 minutes in freezing weather for cats to enter
  18. Wait for additional 10 Minutes for cats to enter
  19. Wonder how stupid these cats have to be to not just walk in. Glare at them.
  20. Notice that you forgot to open metal cage's door
  21. Notice cats are glaring at you
  22. Open door and then let go.
  23. Do this 5 or 6 times
  24. Realize cold has slowed brain – door keeps swinging closed
  25. Wedge Door open with large rock
  26. Realize cats won't go into cage with you standing there
  27. Take 20 Steps away
  28. Watch cats devour cat food
  29. Take one step toward cage door
  30. Watch cats leave cat food in panic
  31. Try to grab last cat
  32. Rock falls, spilling remaining cat food
  33. Refill food dish. Repeat spilling and numb finger thing.
  34. Put chair next to metal cage
  35. Sit immobile in freezing temperature
  36. Watch people inside house point and whisper at you
  37. Watch cats enter cage
  38. Realize your butt is now frozen to chair
  39. Amuse cats by attempting to extract butt from chair
  40. Refill food dish. Repeat spilling thing. Ignore it, you've got worse problems.
  41. Pry frozen fingers from metal cage
  42. Rig Rope to metal cage door
  43. Wait for cats to enter cage
  44. Pull rope
  45. Remember to tie a God Damn knot in it next time
  46. Wait for cats to re-enter cage. They appear to be getting full of cat food.
  47. Pull Rope.
  48. Watch cage begin bouncing down driveway
  49. Jump on cage.
  50. Watch cats go round and round in cage like Indianapolis Racers on Speed
  51. Try to lock cage
  52. Figure out that wild cats will, indeed, bite
  53. Observe that housecat was accidentally caught
  54. Open cage door to extract housecat
  55. Realize that you will forever consider step #54 a poor decision
  56. Topple over cage jumping away from wild cats
  57. Place new food in cage
  58. Hide around corner with rope.
  59. When rustling of food is heard, pull rope.
  60. Pull dog from cage.
  61. Place cage in new conspicuous location, such as dumpster