In order to keep control of an otherwise out of control situation, the groom and bride to be have devised a simple, yet effective, method of letting their dear families know when they have “gone over the top”. As such, please heed the following.
All guests begin with ZERO points. Depending upon their actions (or in some cases, their obnoxious spouse/children or political candidate’s), you may gain or lose points. If, at the end of the night, you have LESS than zero points, you are to be removed, shot and then forced to attend a “Ralph Nader for President” rally. If you have more than ZERO points, then you may enjoy yourself, drink and be merry.
Then you can go to the rally.
So here are the rules:
Bringing a present for the groom and bride they actually asked for: +100 points
Bringing a present for the groom and bride that you wanted: +50 points
Bringing a present for the groom and bride recently stolen from Walmart: -125 points
Referring to either the groom’s or bride’s mother by their actual names: + 100 points
Referring to either the groom’s or bride’s mother as “you hotties”:: + 50 points
Referring to either the groom’s or bride’s mother as “You Serving Wench”: - 200 points and a visit from the groom
Taking pictures of the bride and groom: + 100 points
Attempting to make everyone believe that you are an “Expert” with a throw away camera: - 50 points
Selling naked pictures of the groom with a sheep on the internet: - 100 points
Toasting the couple: + 100 points
Getting the couple toasted: + 25 points
Referring to the wine as “delicious”: + 100 points
Referring to the wine as “swill”: -25 points
Referring to the wine as “rallllphhhhh” nehind the bushes: -1,000 points
Assisting to tie down tents in an expected wind: + 100 points
Constantly saying its “Windsday” like an old Winnie the Poo show: - 25 points
Accidentally tying tent down to table containing wedding cake: - 100 points
Saying congratulations to the couple: + 25 points
Saying “Did you get a prenup?” to the couple: -25 points
Saying “So bigamy is legal now?” to the couple: - 125 points
Asking “do you think you’ll ever have children?”: + 25 points
Asking “when will you have children?”: - 10 points
Asking “when are you expecting?”: - 100 points
Tying streamers to the newlywed’s car: + 75 points
Tying cans to the newlywed’s car: + 50 points
Tying trash cans to the newlywed’s car: - 10 points
Catching the bouquet: + 25 points
Tackling old what’s her face for it: -25 points
Spiking it like a football: - 50 points
Catching the garter: + 25 points
Not waiting for the bride to throw it: - 100 points and a visit from Mr. Groom
Checking all of the other bride’s maids to see if they have one on: - 150 points
Wishing the Bride and Groom a wonderful, happy life for the next 20 years: 100 points
Telling the Bride and Groom what the last 20 years of your horrible life has been: - 50 points
Doing so within earshot of said spouse: - 250 points
Using the words, “Dr. Skinner” when addressing Jocele: + 50 points
Using the words, “What’s up Doc?” when addressing Jocele: - 50 points
Using the words, “Are you a vet?” when addressing Jocele: - 250 points