by Amanda Lepore
Actually, my mother was schizophrenic and was always being hospitalized, so everything was really centered on her. My brother and I grew up with nannies. My father would take us to toy stores every week and let me buy dolls. I think he felt bad that my mother wasn't around. Actually, that made it a lot easier for me.
Even when I dressed up as a boy people thought I was a girl. I was always the smallest in the class. I remember some substitute teachers weren't sure what I was. When I was 13, I grew my hair long and arched my eyebrows and wore really light makeup. I was into rock n roll music so I used that as an excuse for my look. I did whatever I could get away with.
School was really hard. I didn't get beat up but the other kids would make fun of the way I looked and my gestures. That always makes you strong though. Once you are an outsider, you tend to follow your own path. Creativity comes from that. In one way it made me really withdrawn, but being different does amazing things for you. I probably see things that other people don't see. I think it makes you more compassionate and I'm still drawn to outcasts.
It just came naturally to me and I couldn't stop it. In the first year of high school, I started wearing women's clothing. I didn't have many friends, but I met this girl who was an outcast as well. She was my age but was already go-go dancing in a nearby town. I started making outfits and we wore them in the club where she was dancing. I guess I was into nudity even back then because the outfits were just the smallest things made of beads and feathers. A transsexual that worked there wanted to buy some of them so I asked her to give me hormone pills instead of money. I got breasts in a month!
I was thrilled! I loved having breasts! I even loved the pains I'd get when they were sprouting. The hormones worked really fast because I was just entering puberty. So I took them anytime I could get them. For the rest of the school year, I wore huge baggy t-shirts and whatever I could to hide them but one day my mother caught me coming out of the shower. She asked me "Where did you get hose?" I said, "I don't know, they just grew…"
I got so used to being harassed in school for so many years that I just dyed my hair bleach blonde and started wearing push up bras. The first day that I went to school like that was the first time I didn't' get harassed. Everyone was in shock! I was sent to see my guidance counselor right away. She said I couldn't go to school like that and I explained to her that I was taking hormones and there was no way I could go back to being a boy. I still wanted a high school education, so they gave me a tutor at home. They also sent me to a psychologist. He recommended that I get hormones prescribed by a real doctor, so my doctor took me to one. I don't think they really accepted me - I think they just got used to me. My father was hoping that I would dress as a boy during the day and only dress as a girl on the weekends and go to beauty school. He was hoping I would be like a gay hair dresser! He'd tell me "you look pretty now because you're young but you are not going to look like a girl when you get older." He thought I'd have a better life if I just dressed like a boy.