Ashley Nicole Byars
January 7,1995

Font used: Barbedor T

After it was confirmed by the boy's doctor that Ashley did have Renal Agensis we decided to plan her funeral. I'm not sure where I got the information now, but I found myself reaching out. The place I reached was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Center in Wayzata, MN. They were really a life saver. I remember one day going off into my bedroom by myself...everyone else in the livingroom watching TV. And I picked up the phone and made the call. I was so nervous, not sure what was going to be on the other end of that phone line. Charlene answered the call. Thankfully she was used to emotional mothers calling because she knew just what I needed...someone to talk to...someone to listen to my feelings. Through information that Charlene mailed me, we were able to make choices that we didn't even know needed to be made, and some that we didn't even know we had the right to make. More about that later. I promised to tell you about Ashley's birth...

As I said before, we decided to induce birth after the holidays. We chose January. I remember Dana asking me not to do it around her birthday (January 19th) because she didn't want me to be sad on her birthdays. So, we decided on January 7th. When the doctors found out that we were going to wait, they told me right off that the baby no longer existed to them. They were only working to not jeopardize my health with my decision. At that point, I thought screw you!!

I was admitted to the hospital the night of January 6th. They started dilating my cervic with a gel (can't remember the name). Tim had to work that night so I was left to myself. I remember sitting outside at 11 or 12 o'clock at night...my mind not letting me sleep. They took me down to L&D and started inducing with Pitocin (sp) in the IV at about 8 o'clock the morning of the 7th. It's gets kind of gory from here...those with weak stomachs may want to scroll down. At this point Ashley still had a heartbeat. The contractions didn't come for awhile. As a matter of fact, I don't remember much, so most of this is what I was told by my husband, mom, and the rest of our family. I was in and out of it until after Ashley's birth. I remember people coming in and out of the room, and Tim telling me that our Preacher needed to leave. He had been there all day and didn't leave until about 6pm when he needed to visit a man from church who was in a different hospital.

I hemorrhaged all day. I remember the nurse telling my mom that they were going to have to go to putting folded sheets under me because I has soaked all the towels. They did draw blood work, but supposablely it was lost. So "They didn't know that I was hemorrhaging." Excuse me but, couldn't they tell by the amount of blood loss?? My mom and Tim said that I was passing huge blood clots. Oh, I have to put this in...just for you Cindy! ;-) Cindy and Dana my loving sister's *S* came in one time, I think it was just a little bit before Ashley was born, with a Dr. Pepper. Before mom left the room she told them Do NOT Give Kathy ANYTHING to drink. Well guess what? They did...I gotta say that I begged them to. Well, next thing you know I'm pucking my guts up! Needless to say mom really gave it to them after that, and they weren't allowed to bring drinks into my room again. Then when mom and Tim were in the room moo looked at me and she said "Kathy are you pushing?" I said yes, but that it felt like just another blood clot. Well it was, so mom went and got the nurse. Right after the nurse came into the room Ashley was born. Mom says that right before she was born I passed a blood clot that was almost as big as Ashley was.

Ashley weighted 2lbs 1oz.
Born 1/7/95 8:41 p.m.
31 weeks gestation
Dallas, Texas

I'M STILL HERE
Mother, please don't mourn for me
I'm still here, don't you see.
I'm right by your side each night and day
and within your heart I long to stay.
My body is gone but I'm always near.
I'm everything you feel, see or hear.
My spirit is free, but I'll never depart
as long as you keep me alive in your heart.
I'll never wander out of your sight-
I'm the brightest star on a summer night.
I'll never be beyond your reach-
I'm the warm moist sand when you're at the
beach. I'm the colorful leaves when fall comes around
and the pure white snow that blankets the ground.
I'm the beautiful flowers of which you're fond.
The clear cool water in a quiet pond.
I'm the first bright blossom you'll see in the spring,
The first warm raindrop that April will bring.
I'm the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine,
and you'll see the face in the moon is mine.
When you start thinking there's no one to love
you, you can talk to me through the lord above you.
I'll whisper my answer through the leaves in the trees,
and you'll find my presence in the soft summer breeze.
I'm the salty tears that flow when you weep
and the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep.
I'm the smile you see on a baby's face,
Just look for me Mother, I'm every place.

Ashley was born with Agenesis of the kidneys, ureters, urinary bladder, and urethra. Even though Ashley was said to have been stillborn, she was alive up until her exit from my body. The longest know survival from Renal Agensis is 3 days. This is at full gestation, something that is even rarer than the disease itself. Most children that actually live through birth, die within a few minutes of their arrival. These are congenital anomalies, they were sporadic, it's unlikely to occur in any future children we have.

When People Ask You
"Am I Right To Be Angry?"
Have You Thought Of Asking
Them, "Am I Right To Be Thirsty?"
Theodore Isaac Rubin