Helping A Friend

Recognizing Abuse: 10 Warning Signs of Domestic Violence

*Talking to a Friend Who Is Being Abused

*What If She Decides to Remain in the Relationship?

*What If She Decides to Leave?

*What If I See an Assault in Progress?

Violence against women will only stop when each one of us decides to take action. I encourages each one of us to get involved when we think domestic violence is happening - to speak out, not to look away.

You may know a woman who is in a violent relationship - maybe a friend, a co-worker, or a family member. If you do, reach out to her. Too often, we decide not to get involved because we feel what goes on behind closed doors is not our business. But domestic violence is everyone's business. Letting her know that you are concerned can break through the stigma, isolation, shame and denial of domestic violence. Speaking up can also let abusers and the rest of the community know that domestic violence is totally unacceptable.

*What do you do if you think your friend or family member is in a violent relationship, but you're not sure? Go with your instincts - you probably wouldn't be concerned without reason. Here are some signs to look for that might indicate an abusive relationship:

1.When your friend and her husband or boyfriend are together, he acts very controlling and puts her down in front of other people.

2.You see her partner violently lose his temper, striking or breaking objects.

3.He acts extremely jealous of others who pay attention to her, especially men.

4.She becomes quiet when he is around and seems afraid of making him angry.

5.She stops seeing her friends and family members, becoming more and more isolated.

6.She often has unexplained injuries, or the explanations she offers don't quite add up. (Sometimes you won't see any bruises, as batterers target their blows to areas that can be covered with clothing.)

7.She has casually mentioned his violent behavior but dismissed what happened as "not a big deal."

8.She often cancels plans at the last minute.

9.Her partner controls her finances, her behavior and even who she socializes with.

10.Her child is frequently upset or very quiet and withdrawn and won't say why.

Talking to a Friend Who Is Being Abused

You might think that something as simple as talking to a friend about abuse couldn't possibly make a difference. But it really does. Just knowing that someone cares enough to ask about the abuse can break through the wall of isolation that can exist around victims of relationship abuse.

If you think a friend or loved one is being abused, talk to her about it.

Listen to her. Let her know you care. You don't have to be an expert. You just need to be a friend. Listen, without judging. Often a battered woman believes her abuser's negative messages about herself. She may feel responsible, ashamed, inadequate and afraid she will be judged by you.

Tell her the abuse is not her fault. Explain that physical violence in a relationship is never acceptable. There's no excuse for it - not alcohol or drugs, financial pressure, depression, jealousy or any behavior of hers.

Make sure she knows she is not alone. Millions of women of every age, race and religion face abuse, and many women find it extremely difficult to deal with the violence. Emphasize that whenshe wants help, it is available. Let her know that domestic violence tends to get worse and become more frequent with time and that it rarely goes away on its own.

Explain that relationship abuse is a crime, and that she can seek protection from the police or courts, and help from a local domestic violence program.

Suggest that she call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE, for advice and referrals.

Suggest that she develop a safety plan in case of emergency: it's a good idea to keep money, important documents, a change of clothes and an extra set of keys in a safe place, such as at a friend or neighbor's house.

If she decides to leave her relationship, she may need money, assistance finding a place to live, a place to store her belongings or a ride to a battered women's shelter.

Think about ways you might feel comfortable helping her. If you want to talk with someone yourself to get advice about a particular situation, contact a local domestic violence program.

*What if she decides to remain in the relationship?

Sometimes it can feel frustrating when a friend or co-worker returns to a batterer or stays in an abusive relationship. It is important to understand that there are many reasons for these decisions. Just like ending any relationship is a process, leaving an abusive relationship takes time. It's even harder in a violentrelationship.

In many cases, the victim fears for her life. She may also want her children to grow up with both parents, or feel guilty, believing that the abuse is her fault. Sometimes a victim's self-esteem is so damaged by the abuse that she thinks she can't make it on her own. Or she may just want the violence to end, not the relationship.

Here's how:

Encourage her to keep a log of what is happening to her, including evidence of threats sent in letters, email, or left on voice mail or answering machines.

Help her identify resources to help her take care of herself, get her emotional support and build her self-esteem.

Suggest she tell her doctor or nurse about the violence, asking him or her to document the abuse in her medical records and take photographs of her injuries. Offer to take the photos yourself, and suggest she store them in a safe place, along with a written description of what happened.

These records will be helpful for her if she decides to take legal action in the future.

If she reveals that she is being stalked by her abuser, encourage her to call a domestic violence hotline to get help developing a safety plan, including information about a protection from abuse court order. Stalking is against the law.

Many women stay because of their children. It is important to have a safety plan for the children as well as discuss the safety issue of the child remaining in the home.

What if she decides to leave?

If she decides to leave her relationship, she may need money, help finding a place to live, a place to store her belongings, or help getting to a battered women's program. Decide if you feel comfortable helping her in these ways. The most important thing you can do is help her develop a safety strategy, which includes setting aside money and important documents in a safe place and making a plan to escape from the violence. Battered women's programscan help.

What If I See an Assault in Progress?

Domestic violence is a crime, just like robbery or rape. If you see or hear an assault in progress, call 911. If you are outside when you see a woman being assaulted on the street or in a car, write down the car license number and/or the location of the assault in progress and find the nearest phone to call the police. These situations can be dangerous, so whatever you do, be sure to keep yourself safe. But do something - don't assume that someone else has already taken care of it. Survivors of relationship abuse say that when no one acknowledged that they saw the abuse or tried to help, it made them feel even more isolated and alone.