Welcome to beautiful South America! The third source of the Dragonfire energy is located in Generic Aztec/Mayan “Lost City” ruins. Scoop is taking video of the area, when he’s startled by a monkey.

This will probably go down in the annals of history as the dumbest code name ever: “Undercover Joe, calling Alley Viper…” My god, Scoop, at least give the enemy SOME credit… Scoop tells the Alley Viper where the Joes are, giving them directions to the Lost City.

Meanwhile, approaching the Lost City are Copperhead and Alley Viper with a group of Annihilators. Why Destro’s elite bodyguards are being led by an Alley Viper, I do not know. I highly suspect the reasoning was “We want these action figures included in this episode. Find a way.’ Which isn’t entirely me being cynical and unfair to DIC. They did similar things in the Sunbow episodes and in the comic. Never forget: GI Joe was first and foremost a toy line. The comics and the cartoons were meant to help sell those toys. The fact that we got some damn good comics and a damn good cartoon series out of it is gravy. Ditto Transformers.

While Scoop is being all spyish and stuff, Mutt and Junkyard (who were two of my favorites back when I was a kid) show up and spot the approaching Cobras. A battle ensues, and Scoop makes yet another potentially fatal (I wish…) spying error: NEVER EVER EVER Think out loud if you’re a spy! He says a couple things I think but the one that I actually noted down was “If I hit anyone, I’ll be in big trouble with Cobra…” Granted, this was happening in the middle of a pitched battle but…c’mon! He’s supposed to be a Crimson Guardsman damnit! They’re trained to go into deep cover for months or even years at a time! Not to be so freakin’ obvious it’s not even funny! Gahh, I think I’ve found someone I like less than Falcon…and that’s saying a lot.

Anyway, Scoop manages to save Mutt’s life (more on accident than purpose if I’m remembering right…) and Sergeant Slaughter jumps on an Annihilator. The Joes manage to rout the Cobras and we switch to….

…Cobra Commander, the Baroness and Gnawgahyde who have also arrived in South America looking for the Dragonfire energy. Cobra Commander is now dressed in piecemeal clothes made of some indeterminate brown fur. Why? ‘Cause they couldn’t take time to stop at The Men’s Store apparently. Either way, it’s not a bad look for the snake-man Commander. Then again, it’s hard to find a bad look for a snake-man. Or a good one for that matter.

A brief aside: like a lot of Joe fans I have mixed feelings about the movie. On the one hand, the opening sequences are cool. Even the big GI Joe: Broadway intro is pretty spiffy, especially if you’re into musicals like I am. The opening credits are probably some of the best American animation of the era and it looks really spiffy on the DVD I have.

On the other hand? The movie suffers from a lot of the same flaws that the Transformers Movie suffered from:

• New Characters: Not so much the idea that they introduced new characters, but the fact that, once again, the new characters took the place of existing characters for no discernable reason other than “We want to showcase new toys.” If I want to see a GI Joe movie, I want to see one about the characters I already know and enjoy, not a bunch of newbies I haven’t met yet. Though, I have to admit, the Joe movie introduced their newbies a lot better than the Transformers movie did.
• Dumb Plot Device: Okay, shameless confession time, when I was a kid, the idea of Cobra-La was pretty cool. But then, this was back in the 80s and the idea was a fairly new one. And back then I didn’t look too closely at the glaring plot hole caused by Cobra-La’s existence. Now? It’s a dumb idea. Or at the very least, is an idea that could have been done so much better if the toy execs had just backed off and let the writers do what they do best.
• Shameless Screwing With Old Characters: First off, Duke should have died. Not because I don’t like the character, but because killing Duke would have shown that yes, violence does have consequences. According to a buddy of mine, the original GI Joe series did have people getting hurt because they fought. But, of course, those consequence-showing bits were taken out because hey, that might freak the kiddies out. Which, of course, made the show and the movie look as though they glorified violence just like their critics said they did. Secondly, Cobra Commander is, was and always shall be a man, damnit! I really wish the cartoon and comic storylines had been merged a bit more closely, largely because I like the idea of Cobra Commander as a flawed, selfish individual who is out striking back against society because he blames it for his failures. I like the idea that a used car salesman with a chip on his shoulder has become the leader of one of the world’s largest and most feared terrorist organizations. And damnit, I like the mustache!

All of which gets me back to the idea that seeing Cobra Commander walking around as a giant man-snake just ticks me right the hell off. Luckily, after this mini-series (in fact, after this episode) we never see the man-snake again. And we shall not speak of it under penalty of torture.

So, while Cobra Commander, the Baroness and Gnawgahyde are walking around trying to figure out how they can get the Dragonfire energy for themselves, Scoop meets up with his old buddy the Alley Viper to exchange information about the Lost City. While they’re talking, Alley Viper patches Scoop into the Cobra Central Computer (“Access Cobra Central Computer” is, IIRC, the command he types in to do so…talk about your user-friendly systems. Steve Jobs? Eat your heart out). Scoop transmits a possible map written in “an ancient form of code!” (Scoop? Honey? It’s called a language, not a code.) Serpentor is very pleased with this.

Scoop then expresses curiosity or some such about his records with Cobra and is told by the Alley Viper that naturally he can now access them since he’s in the Cobra Central Computer. Scoop does so because if he doesn’t he’s never going to learn The Truth and then where would we be? Unfortunately, he’s slowed down because his recruitment files are classified for some reason (oooh, that’s weird!). But, luckily for Scoop a literal bug in the system chews through the right wire causing a convenient computer error. The CCE not only gives Scoop access to his recruitment records but also plays a brief video of Destro and Cobra Commander watching as Scoop’s family’s home burns down. It also shows Destro telling a Cobra recruiter to tell Scoop that the Joes are the ones responsible for the accident that blew up his family home.

Thank you Plot Convenience Playhouse….

Scoop, naturally, feels like the world’s biggest sucker right now (unfortunately, this isn’t an old Warner Brothers cartoon so we don’t get a shot of his head temporarily turning into a big ol’ sucker to help emphasize his suckitude).

To help compound the angst Scoop is now feeling, having realized he’s helping the people who burned his family home, the Cobra computer manages to crack the ‘ancient code,’ giving Cobra access to the location of the Dragonfire energy. Score for the bad guys! BWAHAHAHAHA!

Side Note: It’s mentioned several times that Scoop’s family home burned, but we’re never really told what happened to his family. My assumption is that they were probably killed but it’s never said directly or even implied whether this is the case.

Cobra Commander manages to break in on the Cobra frequency, talking to the Alley Viper who seems rather incredulous that CC is alive and well and walking around on two legs. He makes the logical statement that “Snakes don’t talk!” but quickly comes around when Cobra Commander orders him and his men to lead him to the Dragonfire energy with promises of becoming a big wig in his new Cobra organization.

Though why, if Alley Viper wanted to be a big wig he transferred out of the elite Crimson Guardsmen to be an Alley Viper is beyond me.

Scoop hightails it back to the Joes, letting them know that Cobra Commander is back and that the snakes have access to the Dragonfire energy. He then proceeds to lead the Joes to the Cobras.

Cobra Commander and company (minus the Alley Viper, Copperhead and the gumbies) manage to make it to the Dragonfire energy secret place after avoiding a series of Indiana Jones/Raiders of the Lost Ark-style traps. Gnawgahyde even manages to save a monkey, preventing it from tripping one of the traps.

Scoop and the Joes follow the Cobras, with Scoop telling the Joes how to get around the traps. Naturally, Low Light becomes extremely suspicious of this behavior, since there really is only one way Scoop could know about how to get through everything. And it isn’t that he’s played Pitfall for years….

Luckily for Scoop, one of the Joes trips one of the traps (he steps on a white square instead of a black one) and there’s no time to worry about Scoop for a few minutes.

Which also allows us to switch to Cobra Commander and Company who are activating their Dragonfire energy summoner type thingy. That skull hat from last episode is back and, I have to admit, in the fur suit and the scales, the hat kinda works for ol’ CC. Snake-man thing is still a dumb idea though.

Cobra Commander uses the Dragonfire energy to turn some innocently bystanding monkeys into soldiers. They end up looking like smaller versions of King Kong, rather than monkey-men like CC (otherwise, we might have had a possible Origin of Metal-Head going for us…).

The Joes show up in time to fight Cobra Commander’s monkey men. Cobra Commander and Sergeant Slaughter taunt one another before CC unleashes Monkey Fu!

Sarge tells the other Joes to get out of there to warn the rest of their forces, he’ll hold back the Monkey Onslaught. And he puts up a good fight until Cobra Commander makes more monkey soldiers, then he scats too. The Joes use the white squares to try and prevent the monkeys from getting them, but instead, the monkeys catch the spears that come out of the walls. Oops.

Luckily, the monkeys are stopped by Scoop’s video camera. They cluster curiously about it and are trapped in (but not killed by) a cave-in.

Just in time for the end of the episode Low Light confronts Scoop about his knowledge. Scoop admits to being a Cobra spy but swears that he is “100% Joe now!” Fortunately for my sensibilities and the bounds of logic, Scoop is taken prisoner by the Joes.

End Day Three

Commentary: Okay, we’ve made it through hump day people! Only two more episodes before we’re free and clear!

On to Episode Four