Funnies!!

A minister wound up the services one morning by
saying, "Next Sunday I am going to preach on the
subject of liars. And in this connection, as a
preparation for my discourse, I would like you all
to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark."

On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin,
and said, "Now, then, all of you who have done as I
requested and read the seventeenth chapter of Mark,
please raise your hands."

Nearly every hand in the congregation went up.

Then said the preacher, "You are the people I want to
talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark."

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married,
she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten
instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They
wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them
to take me out when I'm dead.

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before
she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it
necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten
Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor thy
father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a
commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered,
"Thou shall not kill."

A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents
on the first day of school: "If you promise not to
believe everything your child says happens at school,
I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens
at home.

My friend announced that she had started a diet to lose
some pounds she had put on recently. "Good!" I exclaimed.
"I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies
and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive
out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first."
"Great!" she replied. "I'll ride with you."

A few days before my son was to start kindergarten, he
declared he did not intend to go to school. "You're very
lucky to have been born in a country where the government
guarantees each child and education," I told him. "This
way everyone grows smart and invents things to make life
better."
I assumed I made my point, until the next day. "Mom," he
asked nervously. "If everyone in the country is smart, and
just one person is stupid, will it make a big difference?"

My youngest child was thrilled when her turn came to
enter kindergarten. To make sure we had plenty of time
to eat breakfast and get ready on the first day, I woke
everybody up early-- so early that it was still dark.
I was dressed when my little daughter came into my room
looking troubled. "What's wrong?" I asked, mustering as
much cheerfulness as I could at that hour. "This is your
big day!"
She blurted, "You didn't tell me I was going to night school."

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they are stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"