How to talk to your children about sex

Jakarta Post: Supplement - April 02, 2006

Laine Berman, Contributor/Yogyakarta

Despite so much talk in the media about drug abuse, "free sex", HIV/AIDS and condom vending machines, discussions on how or what to teach our children about these issues remain rare. Life skills education, or education that actually teaches mental well-being and gives the ability to understand and face these social problems is not available in Indonesian schools - nor is it provided in the home. There is plenty of research to show that Indonesian children learn about sex from their friends or from watching pornography -- neither of which provides models for safety, responsibility, respect nor a healthy understanding. In this age of HIV/AIDS, sexual or drug experimentation is far from harmless. Like it or not, parents must learn to talk to their children about drugs, sexuality and AIDS.

Most parents are afraid to talk with their children about sex. In Indonesia , this fear is based on two issues: talking about sex is considered taboo and parents themselves do not know how to talk about sex. The taboo is an obsolete relic from a past era. Your children see and hear talk about sex everywhere in the media. What they need is good, accurate information. This will not encourage children to have sex. Rather, it will provide them with the knowledge necessary to make healthy decisions when they are faced with peer pressure. To protect our children, schools badly need a good life skills curriculum. Parents too must take responsibility and start talking about sexual health.

The following are some basic guidelines that will help you talk with your child.

Parents must be the primary educators of their children.

Children want to talk about sex with their parents and they want to hear your values. Don't be afraid of being old-fashioned or embarrassed. You should admit that you find it hard to talk about these topics but that you are doing it because you love them.

The most important step you can take is to say the first words.

Children do not always ask questions about sexuality or other issues. So you must begin. Use a television program, news on the radio or a magazine or newspaper article to begin the discussion.

Try to answer questions as they come up.

Do not tell your children that they are too young to talk about sex. If you don't know how to answer a question, tell your child you will look it up and tell them later. And be sure to do so. With an older child, you might go to find the information together.

Let your children know that they can always ask questions or come to you for help.

Let them know you love them and that you are the most reliable source of help and support, even if they do things you may not like.

Know what is being taught about human sexuality and HIV/AIDS in your schools and youth groups

Share this information with your child. Let your child also explain what they know. Encourage local organizations to include sexuality and AIDS education in their youth programs.

When you talk with your children about drugs, sexuality and AIDS, you are telling them that you care about their happiness and well-being

You are also sharing your values. This can be one of the greatest joys of parenting.