Type Humor

Asking the Enneagram types if the glass is half-full or half-empty by Cory Caplinger

One - It's half empty, because I say it is and I'm always right!

Two - Would you like to have this water? Let me fill it up for you!

Three - Hmm, I bet I could make a profit selling half-empty glasses of water for full price!

Four - It's half-empty...just like everything else in this miserable world! I don't even deserve a half-empty glass of water! (pouts with a tear in eye)

Five - Well, after measuring it precisely with my Fleuromaton instrument, I have concluded that the volume of dihydrogen oxide in this silicon-based vessel is 50.8%, thus qualifying it as roughly Half-Full.

Six - I'm not drinking it, there's poison in it!

Seven - It's half-full!!! (drinks) Ah, FANTASTIC! Can I have another one?

Eight - It's half-empty...so fill it up NOW before I have to break your neck!!!

Nine - It's whatever you say it is.

Asking the Myers-Briggs type if the water is half-full or half-empty by Unknown - Source

ENFJ -- There's more than enough for friends to share.

ENFP -- Whooeee! Water fight!

INFP -- But look! A crystalline vessel, filled with shimmering, life-giving nectar!

INFJ -- Senator Hophnagle used the rest of it for his mud pie project.

ENTJ -- A "full" glass of water, please.

INTJ -- Yes, that glass will be the flivvium container.

ENTP -- Voila! .157 liters hydrogen hydroxide, prepared by micro gnomes ...

INTP -- Well, it seems just a little more than half full--assuming that it is water...

ESTJ -- Hey! Whose job was it to fill up this glass?

ESFJ -- I can't believe someone would leave this dirty glass out here! Clean up this mess right now!

ISTJ -- It's half empty now, and it wouldn't surprise me if it dried up completely.

ISFJ -- I bet _________ would like to have some water right now ...

ESTP -- You call that a glass of water? Why, back where I come from, ...

ISTP -- So? It's water. Big deal!

ESFP -- There's a glass of water--you know, it's healthy to drink a lot of water, why, I remember when I was growing up that
we...

ISFP -- (Holds up glass to the light, tilts it from side to side, tastes it, wiggles finger in it, grins slightly, moves on.)

Alternate Glass Answers by Cory Caplinger

ENFJ - Look in your heart. It holds the answers to all of life's mysteries. It will tell you what the glass is.

ENFP - Hey!!! I bet if we got a Bunch of these glasses we could make a waterslide! Or maybe a pool! Oh wait, we could freeze this water and make an ice sculpture! Or we could...

INFP - Can't you see how this glass represents our world? It is neither perfect nor bad, it's simply here and its value is determined by each and every one of us. We cannot survive if we don't drink the water...if we don't get along with our fellow people.

INFJ - (closes eyes, concentrates) It's half-empty. (The INFJ is referring to a glass that is 200 miles away)

ENTJ - You call this competence?!?!?!

INTJ - How can you say it's half-full? It's half-empty! I refuse to listen to your reasoning!

ENTP - Hmm...it's...(Ingeniously constructs a hacksaw from two straws and a shoelace, cuts the glass in half)...Ah...Now it's completely full!

INTP - What? (Looks up in bewilderment after being distracted from his mathematical theory book)

ESTJ - Dag nabbit! Look! This water isn't even filled up all the way! What is this world coming to? You know, maybe if people respect the law like they used to in the good old days...

ESFJ - It's half-full! But we better fill it up all the way before our guests arrive! We must give them a cordial welcome!

ISTJ - It's half-empty. Such a lazy waiter. Things could get done around here if people worked hard and took more responsibility!

ISFJ - No, I don't want this glass. I don't deserve it. (Really a ploy to make you feel guilty!)

ESTP - Water?!?! Bah! Give me Beer! HEY ZEKE! GOT ANY BUDWEISER? And bring out the darts - me and Johnny got a bet going on!

ESFP - (Not present to answer because he/she is out at a party)

ISTP - Eh. Just water. Needs to be spiked with some Jack Daniels though.

ISFP - (Adds a pinch of lemon) Salut! (Sips while listening to Mozart)

Type Acronyms by Sandra Krebs Hirsch and Jean Kummerow

ISTJ: I Save Things Judiciously

ISTP: I See The Problem

ESTP: Everyone Seems Too Proper

ESTJ: Execution Saves The Job

ISFJ: I Serve Family Joyfully

ISFP: I Seek Fun & Pleasure

ESFP: Extra Special Friendly Person

ESFJ: Extra Special Friendly Joiner

INFJ: Inner Nuances Foster Journeys

INFP: I Never Find Perfection (I Never Follow Plans, I Never Finish Projects, It's Not Fun Procrastinating - Cory Caplinger)

ENFP: Everyday, New Fantastic Possibilities

ENFJ: Everyone Needs Fulfillment and Joy

INTJ: It's Not Thoroughly Justified

INTP: It's Not Theorectically Possible

ENTP: Each New Thought Propels

ENTJ: Executives Need Tough Jobs

Negative MB Type Descriptions by Hal Dendurent - Source

ENFJ: "Busybody"
Life's backseat drivers. They seem to know just what's wrong with everybody else's life and have a plan to fix it.

INFJ: "Messiah"
Characterized by the burning desire to change the world, which desperately needs everyone to be NF.

ENFP: "Muckraker"
Creator of hype, distortion, and the perversion of media of information to be wallows of mindless emotionalism.

INFP: "Fanatic"
Always searching for an Answer with a capital A. Unlike the INFJ, they are usually openminded enough to realize the current one isn't good enough after a few years.

ENTJ: "Tyrant"
Knows better than everyone how things should be done and works tirelessly to obtain the power to make it happen that way.

INTJ: "Crackpot"
All facts which don't fit their theories are just wrong. The more all-encompassing and less applicable to reality the theories, the better.

ENTP: "Frankenstein"
The salvation of the world is to be found in this new nanotronic frannistan, of which he just happens to have an almost-working model...

INTP: "Nerd"
What? you mean people actually talk to each other using mouths and ears instead of keyboards????

ESTJ: "Stuffed Shirt"
No imagination, no flexibility, no common sense, no capacity for tolerance of others with different priorities.

ISTJ: "Bean Counter"
Like the ESTJ but with less vision.

ESFJ: "Gossip"
Like the Busybody, but characterized by the urge to backstab instead of trying to help.

ISFJ: "Sidekick"
Doesn't need much meaning in life, just a person (or baby or pet or car) to spend all their time ministering to.

ESTP: "Beer Drinker"
Loud, crude, plays team sports, kisses and tells. These are the people beer commercials are made for.

ESFP: "Clown"
Always the class troublemaker, they have no respect for anybody or anything. Good at snide wisecracks.

ISTP: "Assassin"
Hates people, and is good at killing them. Young ISTP's are good at killing pictures of people in video games.

ISFP: "Snob"
Revels in the elaborate sensations of wine and paintings and music that are completely indistinguishable to ordinary people. Likes flowers.

Myers-Briggs Types for Cats by Annette Ellis - Source

ESFP "The Hedonist": The social cat. Inside, outside, contact-oriented. Wallows in petting. Lies in the sun on the driveway. Promiscuously affectionate, even with cat-haters. Meows a lot.

ESTP "The Tomcat": Comes back after three days with scabs on his nose and ears. Fathered too many kittens to count. Will enjoy you while he's there, but not loyal. With other cats, doesn't know when to stop "playing".

ISFP "The Snuggler": Inside lap kitty. Has a favorite lap, a favorite windowsill, but spreads her favors around nonetheless. Warm and loving, but don't try to make her do anything. Purrs a lot.

ISTP "The Problem-Solver": This is the cat that will figure out how to get the giblets out of the bottom of the garbage can without knocking anything over. Appreciates his pleasures but not a glutton. Stand-offish, but will put up with an occasional petting session.

ESTJ "Bossycat": A cat with attitude. He'll hiss at a German shepherd, and the dog will back down. Knows his territory. Catches lots of birds to show he cares, since he won't be openly affectionate.

ESFJ "Mommycat": Even if kittenless or male, adopts everyone, including her "owners". Will groom you until you've got a rash; will groom other cats until they snap at her and run away.

ISTJ "Mr. Fastidious": Won't eat unless the kitchen floor is newly waxed. Will glare at you until you clean his litterbox. Likes to scratch--and it's the same place over and over, so you'd better get a scratching post right away if you want to keep your furniture.

ISFJ "Spoiled Cat": Only the best will do. This is the cat in the "Sheba" ads. Will sink into a depression if you forget to trim her claws, or if her coat is marked. Strategic meowing -- not for conversation, but to get what she wants.

ENTP "The Great White Hunter": King of imaginary bug-chasing. He talks a lot--maybe to you, maybe to something only he can see. Likes to be petted, but only for short periods of time; he's off as soon as the next synapse fires in his brain.

ENTJ "The Little General": Assumes control of the family and house. He'll kick you out of his chair and demand half the bed. Doesn't purr, but glares while being petted as if you're only doing your duty. Yowls rather than meows.

INTP "The Flake": Will play with toys, but bored quickly. If you give in, you'll quickly have a closet full of cat toys he won't touch any more. He'll sit, apparently doing nothing, and then be off on a tear. When walking across a room, will suddenly sit down and start grooming himself.

INTJ "The Limit-Setter": If you have to be around, fine, but he'd prefer that you just showed up once a week to drop off a case of canned food. If you stay home sick, he'll glare at you, since after all it's his scheduled day to have the house to himself.

ENFP "The Happy Slob": Playful cat that will leave food smeared all over the kitchen floor and track litter granules onto the carpet. Favorite game is peek-a-boo. Likes to be petted, but won't sit still for long.

ENFJ "The Ringleader": Will organize the other cats into games. When you get home to find the dining room chandelier swinging back and forth, and all the cats are sitting in the living room looking innocent, it was this cat's idea.

INFP: "The Little Angel": Will look at you sweetly two seconds after she's shredded the new curtains. Can't resist the kitchen counter. Likes some lap time, but only on her terms.

INFJ "Skitty Kitty": Wants to be affectionate, but never quite overcomes nervousness. "Intrepid" is NOT her middle name. Likes to watch the proceedings from a safe spot, such as the top of the staircase.

Myers-Briggs Epitaphs by Doug Bates - Source

ESTJ - Be back next year with flowers!

ISTJ - Forever on time

ESFJ - Arranged my own funeral

ISFJ - Wish I could still help

ESTP - Well, *this* is boring

ISTP - Build a better coffin

ESFP - Where did everybody go?

ISFP - Smell a flower for me

ENTJ - Whoever did this, I'll get you one day

INTJ - *Now* try telling me what to do!

ENTP - Death is being out of options

INTP - Talk about "analysis paralysis"

ENFJ - Another opportunity for learning

INFJ - The ultimate clarity

ENFP - Catch you on the flip side

INFP - Eternal harmony

Illusions of the Unhealthy XXXX by Doug Bates - Source

ESTP - "I'm a stud and the world revolves around me"

ISTP - "I can make anything work"

ENTP - "I can come up with a solution for anything"

INTP - "I'm brilliant and you'd better bow to my genius"

ESTJ - "I am in control"

ISTJ - "I do everything right"

ENTJ - "I am all-powerful"

INTJ - "I am all-knowing"

ESFP - "I am the most glamorous"

ISFP - "Nobody has better taste than I do"

ENFP - "I have the most enthusiasm"

INFP - "I have the most sensitive conscience"

ESFJ - "Everyone likes me and wants to be like me"

ISFJ - "Nobody can get along without me"

ENFJ - "I can teach anyone anything"

INFJ - "I have the best intentions"

Top Ten Signs You Are a Type One by Geenius at Wrok

10. You consider the word "that" in the title above to be crucially important.

9. You've ever felt yourself "burning with the fires of righteousness."

8. All your life, you've dreamed of being a building inspector.

7. You have all the cereal boxes on the shelf turned so that when you grab one, the opened end of the inner bag will be opposite your hand for easy pouring.

6. You exhibit brand loyalty when buying reference books.

5. You can't understand why the people at the deli keep putting the onion on top of the cheese, when if they'd just put it between the meat and the bread it wouldn't slide out all the time.

4. You actually take your sandwich apart to fix it.

3. The Scout Law seems, well, kind of OBVIOUS.

2. You read "Walden Two" and thought Skinner was really on to something.

1. You actually wrote 57 entries for this list, but the other 47 just weren't good enough.

Top Ten Signs You Are a Type Five by Dave

10. You call your plants by their Latin names.

9. The more excited people around you get, the more drained you feel.

8. You spend your time at a party reading the books in the host's library.

7. You communicate almost exclusively by e-mail.

6. Most of your friends are on e-mail, and you haven't met any of them face to face.

5. You consider it a good vacation if you can stay at home with your computer, books, videos, and garden for a week.

4. You would like to do #5 for a living.

3. You've actually read Darwin's "Origin of the Species" and think it would make an interesting movie.

2. Someone asks you how you feel about someone or something, and you tell them you'll get back to them next week after you've had time to think about it.

1. You bite into a Snickers bar, and you immediately see the correlation between the dissolving chocolate/peanut mixture with quantum electrodynamics and the potential existance of dark matter in the universe, the association of Mozart's unfinished symphony and the cryptographic origins of ancient Sumerian linguistics, and how the right handed Cartesian orthoganal system of coordinates aligns with Mitochondrial cellular respiration, giving you a new understanding of the role of derivatives in modern financial portfolio analysis, and the enneagrammatic functions inherent in Microsoft's Windows 98. AND when you try to explain this simple relationship, people have no clue what the HELL you're talking about.

Top Ten Signs You Are a Type Six by Andrew Blake

10. Get angry with the president and decide to assassinate him.

9. Decide not to because it is very dangerous.

8. Decide to become chairman of your club/congregation.

7. Decide not to in case it makes someone angry.

6. Become a hermit because that is safe.

5. Do a bungee jump/ free fall parachute drop.

4. Make sure your tax records will survive ANY investigation.

3. Make sure you get to work on time.

2. Make sure you dont park illegally.

1. Go for a solo hill walking holiday in Afghanistan and get on well with everybody there.

Top Ten Signs You Are a Type Eight by Suzyn Smith

10. People tend to salute you, but you're not in the military.

9. It looked like it was going to be a tough race, but after you ran the smear campaign, you were elected president of the garden club with ease

8. They're still looking for the last guy who insulted your mother.

7. You consider bingeing an attractive alternative lifestyle.

6. You frequently threaten people with castration.

5. You used to pass time in dull classes by arguing with the professor.

4. You often use the word "masturbation" in casual social conversation.

3. You were captain of your college rugby team.

2. Konrad Lorenz's "On Agression" reads like your autobiography.

1. That Three over there could get elected, but YOU could run the country.