Falling in Love
(from the book
"Letters to my Son", by Kent Nerburn)
It
is a mystery why we fall in love.
It
is a mystery how it happens.
It
is a mystery when it comes.
It
is a mystery why some love grows and it is a mystery why
some
love fails.
You
will never do anymore than take the life out of the experience.
Just
as life itself is more than the sum of the bones and muscles and
electrical
impulses in the body, love is more than the sum of the
interests
and attractions and commonalties that two people share.
And
just as life itself is a gift that comes and goes in its own time, so
too,
the coming and going of love must be taken as an unfathomable
gift
that cannot be questioned in its ways.
Sometimes,
hopefully at least once in your life - the gift of love
will
come to you in full flower, and you will take hold of it and
celebrate
it in all inexpressible beauty. This is a dream we all share.
More
often,it will come and take hold of you, celebrate you
for
a brief moment, then move on.
When
this happens to young people, they too often try to grasp the
love
and hold it to them, refusing to see that it is a gift that is
freely
given and a gift that just as freely, moves away. When they
fall
out of love, or the person they love feels the spirit of love
leaving,they
try desperately to reclaim the love that is lost
rather
than accepting the gift for what it was, then moving on.
They
want answers where there are no answers. They want to know
what
is wrong in them that makes the other person no longer love them,
or
they try to get their lover to change, thinking that if some small
things
were different, love would bloom again.
They
blame their circumstances and say that if they go far away and
start
a new life together, their love will grow. They try anything to
give
meaning to what has happened. But there is no meaning beyond the
love
itself, and until they accept its own mysterious ways,
they
live in a sea of misery.
You
need to know this about love, and to accept it. You need to treat
what
it brings you with kindness. If you find yourself in love with
someone
who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is
nothing
wrong with you. Love just didn't choose to rest in the other
person's
heart.
If
you find someone else in love with you and you don't love him, feel
honoured
that love came and called at your door, but gently refuse the
gift
you cannot return. Do not take advantage; do not cause pain.
How
you deal with love is how you deal with you, and all our hearts feel
the
same pains and joys, even if our lives and ways are different.
If
you fall in love with another, and he falls in love with you,
and
then love chooses to leave, do not try to reclaim it or to assess blame.
Let
it go. There is a reason and there is a meaning.
You
will know in time.
Remember
that you don't choose love. Love chooses you. All you can
really
do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes into your life.
Feel
the way it fills you to overflowing, then reach out and give it away.
Give
it back to the person who brought it alive in you.
Give
it to others who deem poor in spirit.
Give
it to the world around you in anyway you can.
This
is where many lovers go wrong. Having been so long without love,
they
understand love only as a need. They see their hearts as empty
places
that will be filled by love, and they begin to look at love as
something
that flows to them rather than from them.
The
first blush of new love is filled to overflowing, but as their
love
cools, they revert to seeing their love as a need. They cease to
be
someone who generates love and instead become someone who seeks love.
hey
forget that the secret of love is that it is a gift, and
that
it can be made to grow only by giving it away.
Remember
this, and keep it to your heart..
Love
has its own time, its own seasons, and its own reason for coming
and
going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it, or reason it into staying.
You
can only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it comes
to
you. But if it chooses to leave from your heart or from the heart of
your
lover, there is nothing you can do and there is nothing you
should
do.
Love
always had been and always will be a mystery.
Be
glad that it came to live for a moment in your life.
If
you keep your heart open it will come again.
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