I use this site as a journal of my thoughts and ideas and as a bit of a diary as well. I like to post essays that I write on some of the topics that interest me. I am especially fascinated by human nature. I love reading about evolutionary psychology, memetics, human and animal behavior, gender identity, cultural anthropology and the psychology of conflict to name just a few.

I spent most of my life working in technology so these are some of the cool subjects I never really had a chance to explore before. I am fascinated by the new discoveries in brain science and our increasing understanding of how brains work. I never found psychology that compelling back in the sixties in school; it all seemed so speculative. But now, with new scanning techniques such as fMRI we can see high-res images of brains solving problems and responding to stimuli in real time. All this is transforming the field of brain science and even psychology. Born in 1942, I'm semi-retired now so I get to spend more time on these new interests. Following these new discoveries and learning about how brains do their thing is currently at the top of my list.

I've enjoyed writing ever since I took an English Comp class in my third year of college, much thanks to a truly wonderful instructor. I have written some technical things over the years such as proposals, specifications, manuals and test procedures - so I have some limited writing experience. I now write about my ideas on these natural science topics mostly because that helps me understand them better. I figure that if I can't explain what I've learned about these interesting things to others - then I probably need to work them out a little better myself. I also do this so I can look back later and see how my ideas change over time as I gain a better understanding or a different perspective. But you are welcome to read them. I'd love to answer any questions you might have or hear any comments or suggestions.

I am especially interested in human evolution and the respective roles of emotion and cognition in human behavior - and how those affect our identity, our beliefs and behavior. I am currently working on a paper to tie all my ideas on this together - which I will publish here. Some of my favorite scientists/authors these days on this topic are Joseph LeDoux and Antonio Damasio, who both seem to be homing in on the idea that brains are built to process emotions and not just cognitive images. I also have several of Philip Salzman's books (Cultural Anthropology) on my bookshelf these days. I usually have at least one of them partially read and another on its way from Amazon. My views of psychology always include the social perspective since I see the cultural / social nature of humans as essential to any discussion. Bill Calvin's several good books on (not just) brains were highly educational and still provide good references. Michael Shermer's "Why Smart People Believe Weird Things" and Susan Blackmore's great book "The Meme Machine" introduced me to some important concepts about the mind. I'd have to say my initial excitement in this direction was spurred by Leonard Shlain's, "The Alphabet vs. the Goddess" which I first read in 1999. Dr. Shlain truly has the ability to see the threads that run through so many areas of human history and science. He weaves them together in insightful ways that provide compelling hypothetical answers to many of the mysteries of human nature. He reaches the kinds of conclusions that I find myself contemplating regularly, sometimes years after I first read them. I wish him well on his latest life challenge.

By the way, I was a little baby boy when I was born but from my earliest memories I've always felt that the person inside me was female. For those who can't possibly relate to such feelings, I'll explain it this way. I am a biological male who, from my earliest memories have had this persistent feeling that inside my mind, where "me" resides, lives a girl/woman. I realize that the feeling of femaleness can't objectively be defined, but that is the only way I can describe it. My strongest desire is not to change my anatomy to fit these feelings - although many transgender persons deal with it that way. My desire is to have been born with a body to match my feelings. Of course, the past can't be changed so I don't dwell on this desire. I just accept it as a longing in my life that can not be fulfilled. Whatever happened with my dna, my brain wiring, my early gender identification or whatever, happened. But I do honor that longing by spending part of my life at least, as a woman - and also being as honest about my gender identity as I can with others.

Like many others in my situation I spent much of my earlier life trying very hard to hide this part of me, always hoping that some day I would "get over it". I carefully hid my innermost feelings from others and denied them from myself. My adolescence, growing up in Texas in the fifties, was a nightmare of guilt, self-hate, confused emotions and sexuality - and, oh yeah, don't forget the abusive step-mother. At fifteen I left home and headed to California where my grandparents graciously supported me while I completed high school. After graduating I moved out on my own and started working my way through college. Over the years and despite the confusion I gradually developed a male persona that gave me sufficient happiness. Perhaps to kill off that inner female once and for all, I married a smart and attractive wife who soon gave us a wonderful son. This marriage only lasted a few years however as my inner female was becoming restless. After our separation the "do your own thing" sexually permissive spirit of California in the sixties became my great escape. Those were heady times when I grew my hair long, resisted the war, smoked lots of dope and wore bell-bottoms and flowing shirts. My inner female was wishing for flowing skirts as well but I kept her repressed enough that my male existence was still the only face I presented to the world.

Over the next several years I started migrating northward. With stops in Santa Cruz and Eugene, the farther north I went the more I liked it. I eventually established a good life in Bellingham in the wet, cool and intensely green northwest corner of Washington state. I met and married a wonderful woman there. After a few years we moved to Idaho and together raised my son from my earlier marriage. Life was good. Except for the occasional stealth cross-dressing episode my inner female was safely tucked away from everyone. Then one day in 1997, after 22 years of marriage, my wife was killed by a drunk driver. In the weeks and months that followed, the woman inside me firmly reclaimed her place in my life. It was an overwhelming force that I could not resist. It just felt right. I became convinced that my destiny was to become as close to a biological female as possible through sexual reassignment surgery. I started down that path including the necessary psychological counseling and a year of HRT (hormone replacement therapy). However, as time went by I realized that I was not ready to completely abandon my male side which I had nurtured so carefully all those years and had become an important part of who I was. Also, I was reluctant to surgically alter my body unless I was absolutely sure that my happiness required it. I couldn't confidently come to that conclusion and so I stepped off that train.

Trying out the webcam on my new HP notebook. Imagine a bluesey D6 chord.

At the time I wasn't sure how all this would work out but by following my feelings as honestly as I could and not analyzing things too much I seem to have found a happy middle ground for now, where I spend as much time as I wish in either persona. That's not to say that my life is all happiness and bliss these days juggling dual external identities but it is far better than hiding my true feelings from those close to me. The few problems I face these days are practical ones, not ethical. I do try to stay focused on my many other interests in life and living each day to its fullest which is always a wise plan anyway. Aside from exploring human nature, some of these interests include playing the guitar and making music with friends, fly fishing, cooking and outdoor photography. A large part of my happiness these days is no doubt due to my marriage, going on three years now, to a wonderful and intelligent woman who appreciates both of us as much as we do her. And also, to the many new friends I have found since moving back to Washington.

The most ambitious paper I've written to date is about autogynephilia - or, actually, about the controversy surrounding it and my somewhat different view of the psychology underlying it. A directory to all my essays and articles can be found here.