| The longing for another child started when our son was about 1 1/2. Then shortly after that, I got pregnant with our second child, a girl. We were extatic! Our family would be perfect! However it was not to be. At 31 weeks, our baby died. We were devastated, shook to the core. Our faith rocked, we searched for answers. We found none. It was a fluke. Something that could not have been prevented. I spent months sobbing. My husband and I barely talked. But somehow we made it thru those agonizing first weeks and months. Those days of shock, denial, disbelief and anger. Somehow we ended up here. Over 2 years later, and no second live child. I find myself on the internet, searching for stories of sucess after a loss. Searching for people who understand. Searching for tips on conception. Searching....... I wonder when that next pregnancy will come, if ever. I keep hoping that next week, I will start to feel the telltale signs of pregnancy. Pregnancy, something that I so took for granted with Charlie and then Amanda, until she died. I did enjoy being pregnant. I felt great! But how I long for that full belly again. To feel that glorious ripple of life beneath my heart. To know that those movements I feel are a wonderful new little life forming and growing inside of me. I want that morning sickness so badly! I want to have a backache from the weight of gravity pulling on my belly. I want to feel all those aches and pains associated with pregnancy.....but despair is what I feel instead..... Every negative hpt that comes back just sinks me in deeper and deeper and I wonder when or if I will ever get to see a glorious positive result. I want to go to the Doctor concerning my infertlity, but I am scared. And I want us to conceive on our own. I want so badly to trust in God to give us a baby. I feel like if we go to the doctor, that we are trusting in God less. But then, God gave men that knowledge to use it....round and round I go. On Sunday after church, a gal was there with her new little baby girl. I asked to hold her. Then Charlie came up and gave me this mournful, sad look and wouldn't touch her. When we left, I was crying. I gathered myself up as best I could, and asked Charlie why he looked so sad. He said it is because we do not have our own baby. (he is 4) That was all it took for me. Booo hooo! Every day at mealtimes, he prays for God to give us a baby. It breaks my heart that I cannot give him what he is praying for. I am praying that God gives us a baby, just so that Charlie's prayers can be answered. Well, mine too. But especially his. He sees friends wiht younger siblings and he feels so alone and longs for one. It breaks my heart. |