SNAKERRIFIC!!! (August 2006)
Sofia, the psychic movie reviewer, reviews
"Snakes on a Plane" without even seeing the movie.
Without even seeing "Snakes on a Plane", I, Sofia, the psychic movie reviewer know and understand the plot. Sure, there are snakes. And they're on a plane. But there's much, much more.
I see foreign intrigue, suspense, and romance. Yes, there's romance on a plane. But it's very stressful to make romance when there are snakes, and they're on a plane. The next picture reminds me, Sofia, the psychic movie reviewer and former stewardess, of my favorite airline "breaking-the-ice" line: "Is that a snake in your pants or are you just happy to see me?" That would always brighten their day.
This movie will make you laugh and cry, but more importantly, I, Sofia, the psychic movie reviewer forsee frightening cosmic reactions from this movie.
A reader of "El Hombre at the Movies" must exercise great caution when visiting the zoo. I, Sofia, see: 20+ feet, the color blue from lack of oxygen, and loud, terrible screams.
The state of Hawaii will officially adopt a snake.
There will be a ban on all reptiles on planes. I, Sofia, see this happening in March, 2007.
I, Sofia, the psychic movie reviewer, strongly suggest everyone see this movie. And if anyone knows where El Hombre is, strongly medidate the location to Sofia, or e-mail me. $25 will buy you a tarot card reading.
Spongebob Squarepants is the best. (December 2004)
Sometimes good guys do come in first. Spongebob Squarepants is one of those good guys.
Sure, El Hombre can see Spongebob every day on TV, and El Hombre can TIVO Spongebob to view 24 hours a day, but a 90 minute movie is a lot more fun.
True, the screaming kids in the theater are going to drive you nuts. They're going to want popcorn, Coca-Cola, and will need to go to the bathroom every 20 minutes. It'll drive El Hombre loco.
But parents, here's two words from El Hombre: "adult beverages". Yes, booze. Take it with you. Hide it in your coat. Tell the kids it's cough medicine. And cough a little. You'll see other parents with heavy coats and you'll hear clanking glass bottles in the dark. "Adult beverages" will work for you.
But it's going to take more than booze to help you enjoy "Christmas with the Kranks." It will take heavy prescription meds. El Hombre means, only the most powerful sedatives and mood enhancers can make you chuckle at this movie. Tim Allen hasn't made El Hombre laugh in his whole life. Never.
If you take your kids to "Christmas with the Kranks" they'll hate you forever. And you'll have one big hangover.
Michael Mann is the best. (November 2004)
Whenever a Michael Mann film is released, it's a must-see for El Hombre. And "Collateral" is no exception.
Tom Cruise stars as Vincent, who offers Jaime Foxx's taxi driver character, Maxx, $600 to escort him to five appointments. Maxx dreams of starting his own limousine company someday, but can't quite find the courage to take the leap.
Normally El Hombre isn't a fan of Tom Cruise, especially his cocky laugh. That laugh must really have been the breaking point in his marriage with that foxy red-haired actress. But Michael Mann's work is so psychologically and visually interesting that El Hombre doesn't care if Tom Cruise is the star.
Another great Michael Mann film is "Heat" from 1995 with Bobby DeNiro and Al Pacino. This is one of El Hombre's favorites of all time. Another good one is "Manhunter", from the 1980's. It's an intense hunt for a serial killer that was the inspiration for "The Silence of the Lambs."
Mann also wrote and directed some of the best "Miami Vice" episodes from the '80s. Remember "Smuggler's Blues" and "Buddies"? There were a couple other real good episodes. El Hombre says "you must see every work of Michael Mann, including Collateral."
El Hombre Gets Serious.
In this age of ever-increasing terrorism world-wide, and absolute chaos in the Middle East, "Fahrenheit 911" is a must-see for every patriotic U.S. citizen wanting the truth behind the missteps and corruption of our current administration.
Anyone remember Osama bin Laden? He's the fundamentalist terrorist behind the 9/11/01 attacks. He's been alive and well for almost three years, making Al-Quaida stronger than ever. Just look at the increased terrorism levels world-wide.
Meanwhile, Bush invades Iraq, which had absolutely nothing to do with 9/11 and was absolutely no harm to the U.S. This invasion is squandering the resources of our precious men and women soldiers for the sake of Bush's own personal vendetta.
El Hombre says: "First priority should have been: bring binLaden to justice. Then, and only after that mission was accomplished, should we have gone into Iraq."
"Fahrenheit 911" is one of Michael Moore's best and most important films. And the brave theater owners who choose to show the film, despite receiving death threats from our own right-wing fundamentalists (republicans) earn El Hombre's highest marks for bravery. This is absolute required viewing for every patriotic U.S. citizen concerned about the future of the world.
The Day After Tomorrow
A new ice age hits the northeast. Last time we had one was about 10,000 years ago. First come the tidal waves, then NYC freezes over. In Los Angeles menacing tornadoes destroy most of the city.
Meanwhile, Jack Hall, a paleoclimatologist, is wondering what the heck is going on. As un nino, El Hombre wanted to be a paleoclimatologist, but couldn't pronounce the title. Meteorology was out too. El Hombre used to have a speech impediment. But it's all good. If El Hombre was a paleoclimatologist today, there would be no El Hombre at the Movies. Well, back to Jack Hall.
His kid happens to be in NYC at the time these climatic changes are happening, and gets covering in the ice and snow. Is he still alive? And if so, will Jack Hall find him in time? So Jack heads north, while everyone else is heading south to Mexico. They filmed part of the border crossing in El Paso, Texas. But it was a fake border crossing.
El Hombre says “pretty good movie.” Not the best, but more entertaining than most disaster-type movies.
As usual, the hard-core right-winger political experts are complaining about this movie because it’s about climate change. El Hombre says “lighten up right-wingers, it’s only a movie, not the predictions of Nostradamus.”
The Passion of the Hombre (4-04)
Sir Niles Standish has orders to submit a review of "The Passion of the Christ" and "School of Rock" in the next 72 hours. Right now Sir Niles is busy installing "fake wood" wallpaper in El Hombre's pad. The atmosphere will be fabulous, almost like a fake Swiss ski chalet.
El Hombre and his God, The Great Film Reviewer in the Sky, did see Mel Gibson's latest slasher film. If you like blood and guts but without the car chases, you'll love this film. Mel Gibson only co-wrote the film. God was a major contributor. Apparently God loves slasher films too. Especially the kind of slasher film you can take your seven-year-old impressionable kid to. Which is what a lot of right-wing fundamentalists did!
The best thing about this movie was the marketing and positioning. Gibson appeared on Fox "News" and made it sound like reviewers who didn't like the movie were against Christianity. And the Pat Robertson show followers predictibly bought into the persecution nonsense. Robertson's followers have more money than common sense and flocked to the film. And took their little kids too.
Gibson and his God don't like negative reviews for this movie. Gibson threatened one reviewer by saying he'd like to kill his dog. Then the good Christian Mel said he'd like the reviewers intestines on a stick.
If Jesus were on earth today, the Pat Robertson and Rush followers and Mel Gibson would be the first to ridicule him and call Jesus a commie and rabble-rouser and liberal and tree-hugger.
El Hombre would rather go to hell than live in a heaven with the nasty Mel Gibson and his God. Hell has a better class of people. Nicer people. Now please, no death threats to El Hombre. Anyway, watch for the Sir Niles review.
What About El Hombre? (February 2004)
El Hombre is finally out of the clinic. But it wasn't easy. Dr. Michelle Morganfeller and Professor von Hofstrau put El Hombre through a battery of tests.
Professor von Hofstrau showed El Hombre pictures. Many pictures. One reminded El Hombre of two flies having sex. Another looked like an easy-chair and a sofa making out.
"El Hombre, you seem to ve obsessed vith sex," said Prof. von Hofstrau. "Hey doc, you're the one with all the dirty pictures," replied El Hombre.
The next review is coming from the wealthy Sir Niles Standish, El Hombre's new English butler. El Hombre pulled a little trick on Standish. El Hombre said, "Sir Niles, whatever your butler rates are, cut them in half, then double them." Haha. That's still better than paying full price.
El Hombre's starting an equal-opportunity film review school. At El Hombre's School of Film Review, you'll learn how to refuse bribes from big-time movie producers.
You'll also learn to describe a film in one word, like: stupendous, horrendous, tremendous, pretentious, electrifying, delicious, and other big words. Then, after the one-word review is written, you take the rest of the day off, just like El Hombre.
"Knuckles" McGwin will be admissions director, collector of tuition and chief of protection.
In charge of campus sanitation will be Sir Niles Standish, El Hombre's butler. We will all work together for the best film review school ever in the history of the world. Remember, there is no "i" in "El Hombre's School of Film Review."
THANKSGIVING 2003
This is Dr. Michelle Morganfeller, practicing psychologist and reviewer of "Saving Silverman." To all the readers of "El Hombre at the Movies," please read:
El Hombre was not in a Belize prison. El Hombre was not arrested. Currently El Hombre is under my professional care in an undisclosed psychiatric care hospital under heavy medication.
All I can say is, "this guy's got problems." But I'm going to help. I'm the only one who can help El Hombre.
Take a look at this web page. All the links are bound together and others are isolated, just like El Hombre's mind. We need a professional web designer to fix this first page, especially the links. And I'll fix El Hombre's brain.
Meanwhile, read McGwin's review of
"Gigli."
It's a little late, I know, since it's not even playing in the theaters anymore. And soon, with my help, El Hombre will be back at his notebook with another review.
Truly yours in better mental health,
Dr. Michelle Morganfeller,
practicing psychiatrist.
AUGUST 2003
"Knuckles" McGwin is pounding out a review of "Gigli", possibly the worst movie anyone will ever see or direct or laugh at in their lives. But El Hombre says Jennifer Lopez is hot, while Ben Affleck might take over Kevin Costner's role as worst big-name actor ever. El Hombre's getting sick just thinking about it, uh-oh, gotta go. Watch for "Knuckle's" review.
It rains a lot in Belize.
Relax. El Hombre's okay. One minute El Hombre was writing movie reviews on his laptop and the next minute, with the sound of a steady rain falling on a tin roof, and a little lizard chasing a cockroach up a wall, El Hombre looked through hazy eyes to see prison bars and a bare lightbulb down the hall. What happened?
El Hombre's in a Belize prison, cellmates with "Beef Knuckles" McGwin. Luckily, "Knuckles" is a movie fan and may be posting a review or two in the future. Who would have thought broadband would be available in prison, but El Hombre can download the latest movies, just like at home, and review them. "Knuckles" really enjoyed "Johnny English." McGwin says "Johnny English has great character development, a laugh-a-minute romp, and the whole family will feel comfortable watching the movie together. And if they don't enjoy watching the movie, "Knuckles" is going to beat their heads together and smash out the headlights on their new BMW."
Thanks "Beef Knuckles". We have to refine your style a little, like around here we "don't beat their heads together", but El Hombre thinks "Knuckles" has what it takes to be a good reviewer.
El Hombre wants to come up with a new pen-name for McGwin. I mean, "Beef Knuckles" just won't fly with the Hollywood elite.
So send your suggestions for McGwin's new pen-name.