LAW AND, er, ORDER
by maven
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: ER and Law & Order belong to NBC and their lackeys. It's a parody so I can't really say no disrespect meant but please believe that any disrespect was inspired by a sincere respect for ER and Law & Order. No, really.
SUBTEXT and VIOLENCE DISCLAIMER: No, actually.
CONTINUITY DISCLAIMER: Well, up to Rampage on ER and the season ender on L&O.
EXPLANATION AND FURTHER DISCLAIMERS: Mindless babble based on mindless speculation and a little mindless wish fullfillment. I don't own any of the characters. I'm still on a sugar high from Hallowe'en and hearing voices which are having the following conversation.
FEEDBACK, COMMENT AND FLAMES: Email at maven369@sympatico.ca
"Detective
Munch. What are you doing
here?"
"Little
vacation. Catch the Bulls, attend
the Hysterics Treatment Symposium, get roped into a multiple homicide. What about you? I thought you were on your way to
DC?"
"I was en
route when I got the call."
"Chicago is en
route from New York to Washington, DC?"
"Some guy
named Sorkin did the tickets and, yeah, according to him it is. What have we got?"
"Bit of a
mess. You want it in chronological
order or body count?"
"Let's go
chronological."
"Okay. We start with a dead guy named
Fossen."
"Which one is
he?"
"He ain't in
there. Died about two months
ago. Killed about 19 people before
a concerned citizen took him down.
Died here."
"Works for
me. Did they give the citizen a
medal?"
"Nope because
technically he didn't kill him. A
Dr. Mark Greene withheld medical treatment and Fossen died."
"Again, works
for me and give him a medal. Which
one is Greene?"
"Bald
guy."
"There are two
of them."
"Taller one
with the toe tag with #1 on it."
"Ah."
"Anyway, a few
months later patients suddenly begin dying after surgery. Usually old people."
"Does the
Chicago PD have a suspect?"
"I redirect
your attention to Dr. Mark Greene."
"Okay, so
Greene pops a murderer which is a good.
Then he pops a bunch of old people, which is a bad. Now he's dead. Does the Chicago PD have a suspect?"
"See that
other bald guy? Toe tag #2?"
"Yes."
"Doctor Robert
'Rocket' Romano, chief of surgery."
"And Romano
killed Greene because Greene was killing surgical patients and making his
department look bad?"
"No, Romano
killed Greene because Greene was killing Dr. Corday's patients. Romano has a thing for her."
"Do you have
any Tylenol?"
"No, but this
is a hospital so I imagine they have the good stuff somewhere."
"Okay, who is
Corday?"
"Tall, curly
hair, breast milk stained shirt."
"I see. No, actually I don't. Why did Greene only target Corday's patients?"
"They're
married and have a four month old baby.
We don't have a pysch take on it but I think Greene had intimacy
problems and was unable to deal with issues verbally and resorted to murdering
his wife's patients so that she would get suspended and be able to stay home
with the kid so that the baby doesn't grow up to be a snotty, rebellious,
disobedient and sociopath in training like the daughter from the first
marriage."
"You're
joking?"
"Nope."
"And they
wonder why I play for the team I do.
Do we have a psych consult yet?"
"Nope. The hospital insists on calling in
their own shrink."
"And the
delay?"
"Flights out
of San Francisco are delayed due to fog."
"Okay, any
suspects on who killed Romano?"
"How many
people do you count in that room?"
"Ummm, about a
dozen."
"We have about
a dozen prime suspects minus one."
"Minus
one? Which one?"
"Doctor Kerry
Weaver. Short, dead ferret on her
head, crutch."
"And she isn't
a suspect because?"
"Three
excellent reasons. One, everyone
hates her. Two, we think she hates
everyone. Three, she's a dy… namic
lesbian."
"I see. So your reasoning is that it can't be
her because it's too obvious as well as politically incorrect."
"In a
nutshell."
"Gimme the run
down on the rest in there."
"Dr. Luka
Kovacs, post traumatic stress, recently beat an attempted mugger to death. Nurse Abby Lockhart, alcoholic,
recently killed one of Kovac's fish after a bad breakup, Dr. John Carter, post
traumatic stress and an addict, had a thing for Lockhart when she was involved
with Kovac and now that she's free has a thing for Dr. Susan Lewis. Dr. Susan Lewis recently returned from
five years in Arizona who had a thing for Dr. Greene. Dr. Peter Benton, again, history of violence and use to be involved
with Corday and is currently involved with Dr. Cleo Finch. We think. Anyway, ummm. I
lost track."
"The cute one
with the bare midriff and barbed wire tattoo?"
"Randi
something starting with F. She and
Weaver are the only ones who haven't slept with at least one person in that
room. Unless it's each other. Which, you know, would be really
ho…"
"Damn it,
Munch, is this a homicide investigation or Peyton's Place?"
"You want my
professional opinion?"
"Never
mind. Any suspects outside of this
room?"
"I took the
liberty of compiling a list of disgruntled former employees and patients who
may have had a beef with Romano.
Here you go."
"Munch."
"Yes,
Counsellor?"
"This is the
Chicago phone book."
"Pretty
much."
"Okay, you
know what I think?"
"What do you
think?"
"That if this
was Scotland the verdict would come back Not Proven."
"Meaning
innocent and don't do it again?"
"Exactly. Besides, there are at least three
interlinked love triangles so they're going to suffer enough. So let's chock this one up to justifiable
homicide and you can go catch that Bulls game. I'm heading back to the hotel before my flight to DC
tomorrow."
"So they're
free to go?"
"Yes. NO! Umm, the one with the tattoo and the one with the
crutch? I think I should question
them some more."
"Think you'll
get anywhere with them?"
"Oh,
yes."
THE END
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