Author: Kay Tee maybeshedoes@yahoo.com
Distribution: Take it, but tell me where so I can visit.
Rated: totally PG-13
Category: Vignette
Spoilers: Everything ever. Specifically, Welcome to the Hellmouth, The Harvest, The Witch, Teacher's Pet, The Pack, I robot- you Jane, Nightmares, Invisible Girl, Prophesy Girl, Some assembly required, School Hard, Inca Mummy Girl, Halloween (sorta), Bad Eggs, Innocence, Phases, IOHEFY, Go Fish, Anne, Dead man's party, Beauty and the Beasts, Gingerbread, The Zeppo, Doppelgangland, The Prom, Graduation Day 2. See, it's a lot, but all the spoilers are pretty minor.
Disclaimer: This doesn't even count as a story. Nothing in here belongs to me, even most of the dialogue is lifted from the show, please don't sue me.
Summary: Buffy asks how their graduating class (from Sunnydale High) got so small. Willow and Xander give her a rundown.
Author's notes: I'm procrastinating; I have to write a paper, and didn't want to squeeze out all my creativity. This was just fun. Check my math.
****
"Well, Buffy, let's see, there were 768 kids set to graduate with our class at the beginning of sophomore year..."
"By the time you transferred to Sunnydale there were 762."
"Then, let's see. Jesse..."
"Yeah, Jesse, haven't thought about him for a while."
"761. Then at the harvest, a girl from our class got eaten."
"760."
"And the combustible cheerleader, Amber, she didn't die, but she was home schooled after that."
"759. And Blayne transferred after that whole praying mantis tried to mate with us thing. 758."
"The other kids who got turned into hyenas... I know..."
"None of them graduated with us, let's just leave it at that."
"Yeah, but only that one guy died. Kyle-"
"Is dead. 754, okay?"
"Do you miss them?"
"Did I not ask us to 'leave it at that?'"
"Geez. Just asking. Then Dave hung himself in the computer room, and Fritz..."
"Do you miss them?"
"A little. 752, anyway."
"Emily the ballerina's heart was removed, and eww, Morgan's brains got cut out, so..."
"750. The demon guy just transferred in and then 'mysteriously disappeared,' so he doesn't count."
"After... Laura? ...got beat up by the nightmarish guy, she switched to Kent Prep... 749."
"What's-her-name went invisible."
"Yeah, right at the beginning of the school year, so we already counted her."
"But after she beat up Mitch, he switched to private school too. 748."
"Oh. But the night Buffy died two other kids were killed near school grounds."
"Were they in our class?"
"Actually? No."
"Eric, that slimy guy with the body parts... ick."
"747, and then Chris went to live with... who'd he go to live with?"
"His uncle. The neurosurgeon? But that still gets us down to 746."
"And then that skanky girl."
"Sheila wasn't skanky, she was just... okay, a little skanky, but that whole trowel thing was totally misinterpreted. I was there."
"Yeah, well she died. Got vamped. Whatever. 745."
"And then poor... do you remember his name?"
"Who?"
"The guy who got mummified."
"Rodney, maybe? And can we please stay away from that word? I'm trying to repress."
"Well, Rodney Maybe got mmmm'd... that makes 744."
"Ah, the work of the lovely Ampata."
"I thought you were repressing?"
"I am. That was just a slip. Go on."
"After the whole Halloween thing, a bunch of people transferred out. But no one in our class, I don't think."
"What about getting eaten, I know some people got eaten."
"Actually, they were mostly in the class ahead of us. They had a lot of dead people."
"Yeah, well those crazy kids were always partying. At night."
"So were we, we just had a vampire slayer with us."
"Yeah, have I ever told you how much I love you, Buffy?"
"Ooo! In the whole, 'I was possessed by an evil egg' thing, a lot of kids left school."
"That would be two, Willow."
"Yeah, well, 742."
"And after The Judge's spectacular debut at the mall, we were short one of Cordelia's groupies."
"I don't think she died, I think she was just traumatized by the whole death with shopping thing."
"And who wouldn't be? 741."
"Oh, and then Angel turned Theresa..."
"Okay, she was our friend, let's just say 740 and move on."
"Didn't you used to like her?"
"Freshman year, yeah. She didn't laugh when she turned me down, that always seems to mark a girl for death."
"Xander..."
"Are you saying I'm wrong? Think about it."
"Well, Buffy didn't laugh... but she died the night after you asked her out, so..."
"Uh huh."
"Umm, two more girls that we just kinda hung out with... um, Buffy, is the whole 'Angel turned all your friends into-' no? Okay, well, that makes... umm..."
"738, Wills. The guy who tried to shoot his girlfriend when the school was taken over by ghosts, he moved away, 738, and then four swimmers turned into fish, 733."
"I thought it was three."
"Just trust me, it was four, I almost made five, remember?"
"I don't think anyone in our class died the whole rest of the year though."
"Yay us! But it was a busy summer; Andy Hoelich, from the gymnastics team, was vamped, and at least two others bought it."
"Xander! There's no need to be so callous."
"Well, that makes 731."
"Or it makes 730 if you actually do the subtraction."
"But I don't."
"I think only, um, six people got eaten by zombies at Buffy's coming home party."
"Rough night."
"724. Pete Manson went all Jekyll and Hyde and killed Jeff and Debbie-- and himself."
"I thought he was murdered."
"I don't know, there were so many rumors... 721."
"Then Amy dropped out of school due to a case of being a rat."
"And I know at least one boy who transferred after the witch hunt, so 719."
"Then... let's see... Jack, our zombie pal, got munched on by Oz."
"Huh?"
"Nothing. 718."
"If you say so. Oh, I think Evil-me ate someone, I remember hearing about it."
"Should I be scared? 'Cause you sound proud."
"Not proud, just, she didn't get me, so yahoo!"
"Safe to say we've reached 717."
"No, I think it's more like 715, it was a bad couple of weeks to be out at night."
"You think people would learn, but no..."
"There were a couple of people who ate the rat poison Jello cups." (tm)
"I'll never look at Jello the same way again."
"Me neither."
"So where were we? 713?"
"I think so, yeah."
"Then... umm... Tuxedo guy got mauled before the prom."
"And then Tucker disappeared after that whole incident with the Hellhounds."
"Do you think he got eaten by his own deranged pets?"
"I think he dropped out. 711."
"And then we graduated!"
"And- and only 7 people died!"
"Only 7 people? And how many came back as bloodsucking fiends?"
"Just Harmony. That we know about."
"So anyway, Buffster, that's how we lost everybody, but still, least fatalities in a graduating class in over ten years."
"The class before us was bigger than we were in middle school, but when they graduated, there were only 690 people."
"The class before us was filled with assholes."
"That doesn't mean they deserved to die!"
"No, I didn't say that, I just said, assholes, so they won't be missed."
"Xander..."
"So... cake anyone? My birthday only comes around twice a year."
"Twice?"
"That way my parents don't have to sit at the table together while they ash on my frosting. Cake?"
"'Kay."