First of all, the characters within the Universe of Sailor Moon are not mine. Oh well. A girl can always dream, can't she? :)
Yikes! This is
my first ever Serena/Darien fic! I've always figured that there are
plenty enough stories out there devoted to the Dinamic Duo, and there's
no sense beating a dead horse... right? Well, wrong,
apparently.
Here I am throwing my two cents in.
This is a little different, because I'm a little different, and I just don't go for mushy Serena/Darien romance. The dead horse thing again. Anyway, as you may or may not have guessed, the title comes from that new Melissa Etheridge song of the same name. (Yes, this is a song fic. Run now.) It's unusual for me to use a song that is actually played on the radio in one of my stories -- in fact, I think this is the first time I ever have -- but I just love this song! However, I don't own it, and no infringement is intended. Blahblah. Oh, and another milestone: my first SM story written entirely in first person! (and there was much rejoicing)
The story takes place in SMR, right after Darien the Dummy breaks up with Serena. She's dragged herself out of the phonebooth and is on her way home, and this is pretty much what I think she might be thinking. I've only seen this episode once, so I really don't know it very well, and I could be way, way off in the course of events, so bear with me.
Oh, and this is TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY INDEPENDENT from anything I've written before. Please don't get confused. Also, if you like this story -- or if you hate it -- please write and tell me about it.
Outward and onward, my lovelies.
Not hungry. Couldn't eat even if I was. Not thirsty. My throat is dry, but I'm not thirsty. Pain. My head hurts. My eyes hurt. Most of all, my heart hurts. No, that's wrong... my heart is gone. The place where my heart used to be hurts. It aches with a deep, abysmal emptiness. He tore it out of me. He tore my heart out and threw it on the floor as though it were nothing, as though I could feel no pain. When did he turn so cold? When did he stop loving me?
"We were all wounded
in some domestic war;
I found you to
settle my score."
It reminds me of how things used to be, back before we knew the truth. I tried to hate him, tried with all my heart, but it didn't work. I loved him then, despite my best efforts. It's so strange... we fought so often, but I knew from the first moment I saw him that he was someone special, someone I could fall in love with. That's wrong too... I did fall in love with him the first moment I saw him, holding my crumpled up test paper in his hand. Big, dumb jerk.
"You looked like
father,
You felt like mother;
My mind told my
heart,
'There is no other.'"
Perhaps that's part of the problem. Not him being a jerk, I mean, but the fact that I've always loved him. How literal is that?! We've been in love for centuries without even knowing it. We're destined to be together. Perhaps he's just frightened. Perhaps he's wanting to... I don't know, explore his options. Why? Am I not enough for him?
"And I gave you
my soul
And every ounce
of control.
And I gave you
my skin
And my original
sin."
Maybe I'm too young. Maybe I cry too much, or don't do well enough in school, or loose it too often in battle. My cheeks still sting with shame when I remember my first battle as Sailor Moon, the way I cried and whined. But no, that can't be it! Darien has seen me break down before, sometimes with good reason and sometimes not, but he never made fun of me for it.
"And I gave you
my pride
And my side,
All my pride!
Ain't that enough!?"
All I've ever wanted is to be there for him. I want to make him happy, I want to be everything he needs. I don't understand what I've done wrong! Why won't he even talk to me about it? He was just so cold...
"I turned your dreams
into lightning;
Ain't that enough!?
I held the world
back for you;
Ain't that enough!?"
I love him! Gods, it breaks my heart how much! I love him... and apparently he doesn't love me back.
"I loved you past
the point of dying;
Ain't that enough
of me... for you?"
Could it be the other senshi? Not his relationship with Raye, we've talked about that...I just mean... he's so private, and our relationship is so public. I thought we were stronger than that. Was I so completely deluded that I didn't even see his discomfort? I don't know...
"I was so sure one
and one gave you one;
My noisy love was
coming undone."
So rather than talk to me he just runs away? He shuts me out and breaks my heart? Some great solution, Darien! Maybe I should just forget about him and move on. Maybe he isn't worth it. Maybe we aren't meant to be together.
"Now you leave like
father,
Disappointed like
mother,
And I know in my
heart there is no other."
Right. Queen
Serenity sent us one thousand years into the future so we could have some
stupid fight and break up. It was her intention to cause us heartache
and pain, and she knew all along that we weren't
meant to be in love.
Good idea, Serena.
"And I gave you
my soul
And every ounce
of control.
And I gave you
my shame
And my eternal
flame."
I need him! I hate that! I don't want to need someone in order to... to... well, to do anything! But it's too late. Damn him.
"And I gave you
my need
And my seed,
All my need!
Ain't that enough!?"
OK. Let's look at this logically: if he doesn't want me, what does he want? To be a doctor? Worthy goal. Perhaps he just felt overwhelmed having to deal with a girlfriend and school. He's not like me; he studies. He works hard and makes good grades; it's important to him. I never meant to be a distraction. All I wanted was to help him, to make him stronger with my presence and my love.
"I turned your dreams
into lightning;
Ain't that enough!?
I held the world
back for you;
Ain't that enough!?"
Beryl destroyed the world over love for him. I died over love for him. Would I die again? Hai. Instantly, without fear or question. Would he die for me? I used to think so... now I'm not so sure.
"I loved you past
the point of dying;
Ain't that enough
of me... for you?"
What is he so afraid of? Does he think I would ever leave him? No! What have I ever done to make him think something like that? But, then again, what have I ever done to make him want to break up with me?
"Why can't you hold on!?!"
I've never given as much of myself as I've given to him.
"And I gave you
my soul
And every ounce
of control.
And I gave you
my skin
And my original
sin."
I've never opened up to anyone the way I've opened up to him.
"And I gave you
my shame
And my eternal
flame.
And I gave you
my pride
And I gave you
my side."
I've never needed anyone as much as I've needed him.
"And I gave you
my need
And my seed,
All my need!
Ain't that enough!?"
Why did he do this?
"I turned your dreams
into lightning;
Ain't that enough!?"
What does he want from me?!
"I held the world
back for you;
Ain't that enough!?"
What more must I do? How can I show him how much he means to me?
"I loved you past
the point of dying;
Ain't that enough
of me... for you?"
I'll wait. I'll be patient, and I won't press him.
"All your dreams
into lightning!
Ain't that enough!?"
Eventually he'll realize his mistake. He'll come around.
"I held the world
back for you!
Ain't that enough!?"
He'll remember how much I love him. He'll see how much he's hurt me, and he'll feel it as much as I do now. He'll pick my heart up off the floor and restore it to the way it was before all of this.
"I loved you past
the point of dying!
Ain't that enough
of me... for you?"
He loves me, I know he does. He's just having some trouble seeing it right now. One morning he'll wake up and realize how much he misses me. Just wait. You'll see. Darien and I aren't over yet. And what's a relationship without its ups and downs, right? Right.
Now if I could just convince myself of it.
End
See? I don't *always* write huge, long, epic stories that never get finished. Anyway, I hope you like this one... I'm a little shaky about it myself. I guess I shouldn't admit that. Oh well. Sorry. :(