Open Your Own Damn Door

I hate holding doors for people.  I don't mean this in any metaphorical sense.  I just actually hate holding doors for people.  On average, I'd say I hold about 4 doors for people each day, which adds up to 28 doors a week.  It's the same routine every time: I walk up to a door, open it, then for some dumbass reason I look behind me. I make eye contact with the asshole 3-6 feet behind me, and I get guilted into standing there while he patiently saunters to the door, confident that it will be held slightly open for him when he eventually reaches it.  The whole ordeal takes about 10 seconds, and those are among the worst seconds of my day.  Every time I hold a door for someone, a piece of me dies.

I don't know how this whole thing started, and I don't care to know.  It's ridiculous.  Does holding the door for someone do any good?  Have you ever actually thought, 'Wow, I'm really happy that that guy held the door for me, otherwise I might have had to open it myself!"?  Of course not, because it's not too much to ask that you open your own damn door.  I want this insanity to stop, but I know that if I just stop today, everyone will think I'm an asshole and they'll just keep holding doors open for people.  Luckily, I've devised some plans that we can all use to put an end to this senseless social ritual:

1. Punch in the nuts anyone that holds a door open for you. If you do this long enough, people will eventually not want to hold doors open anymore for fear of being punched in the nuts.  2.  Pretend to hold doors open for people, then pull them shut just before the person can touch them. This is the one I've been trying lately with mixed results.  It might not be effective, but it's fun as hell.  3.  Install automatic doors. Kinda obvious. 4.  Launch a marketing campaign equating holding doors with terrorism. I'm thinking we could call it something like, "Real Patriots Don't Hold the Doors Open for Terrorists." 5.  Whenever someone holds a door for you, get really excited and sprint through it. Maybe they'll think you're crazy, or maybe they'll think that it's them who's not enthusiastic enough about the great service they're doing you.  People everywhere will start sprinting through the doors that strangers are gracious enough to hold open for them, and then eventually they'll get tired of this (sprinting is hard, after all) and no one will hold doors open anymore. 6.  Buy a classic car. This doesn't really solve the problem, but it makes it easier to cope. 7.  Hold doors open for people, and then when they get close enough start hitting on them. Hard. People will shy away from open doors if they think the experience will lead to you sleezily saying that you're a dog and you need to bury your bone. 8. Put vaseline on all the handrails. This worked in middle school. 9.  Close the door when you see someone coming, and then stand there and wait till they open it. Then  when they open it, walk out and make them hold it for you. 10.  After you hold the door for someone, hold out your hand for a tip. If they don't tip it's uncomfortable.If they do, it's money in the bank. Now go.  Go and start the revolution.  And remember: If anyone calls you an asshole, you deserve it.

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