Maybe you think I'm exaggerating, and if that's the case, you should go ask anyone who has ever had sex with Ethan. By my calculations, that's just about everybody.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Please Don't Have Sex With Ethan | |||||||||||||||||
|
|||||||||||||||||
| Look babe, I know what you're thinking.Ê You're thinking that it would be fun to have sex with Ethan, right?Ê No, I'm not psychic.Ê It's actually something that goes through a lot of girls' minds, believe it or not.Ê You're thinking that sex with Ethan might be a fun experience.Ê You're thinking, "Hey, I want to have sex, and Ethan seems as good a guy as any for the role of 'guy.'" Well, maybe you're right, but before you put that thong on and head over to Ethan's house in your "Roofie-me" pants, first let me tell you a few reasons why you shouldn't have sex with Ethan. | |||||||||||||||||
| ÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊ First off, Ethan wants to do terrible things to you.Ê Awful, disgusting things.Ê The kind of things that only Larry Flint could think of and that only Tara Reid will do.Ê He's told me some of these terrible things, and I didn't even understand them until he drew me a diagram.Ê And labeled it.Ê With corresponding colors.Ê These are really some of the most despicable acts to ever be imagined.Ê There aren't even Bible verses to outlaw some of these.Ê What's that?Ê You want to do these things?Ê Ok, fine.Ê That's cool.Ê But there's more. | |||||||||||||||||
| ÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊ Ê Ethan likes to cuddle.Ê I know you think that's sweet, but you have to understand that he's not doing it for any lovey-dubby reasons.Ê Oh no. ÊEthan cuddles because he doesn't want you to get away.Ê And you know why he doesn't want you to get away?Ê That's right.Ê He wants to do more terrible things to you.Ê I know you said you were OK with that, but you gotta understand, some of this stuff is just wrong.Ê Like, on a scale of 1-10, where 1 is Rainbow Kisses and 10 is Rainbow Kisses while watching reruns of the Mary Tyler Moore Show, Ethan's stuff rates about an "H."Ê That's right.Ê He's moved into the alphabet.Ê | |||||||||||||||||
| ÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊ What?Ê Still not convinced?Ê Ok, ok, how about this:Ê Ethan showers once a month.Ê It's not out of laziness, either.Ê He likes to keep his body as a kind of sweat-soaked trophy case, a living journal of terrible deeds performed in the last 30 days.Ê Do you really want someone walking around with your sweat on him for a month?Ê I didn't think so.Ê | |||||||||||||||||
|
|||||||||||||||||
| ÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊ Remember that book in the first American Pie movie?Ê The one that's stashed away in the library?Ê It's a dictionary of all sorts of different things to do to girls.Ê We told Ethan that it was real, and he spent a whole week looking for it.Ê We were just messing with him, and when he found out he got so pissed that he made a book himself and hid it in the library just to spite us.Ê A year later a librarian found it and opened it.Ê She only read about half a page before she had to be rushed to the hospital, and I don't think she ever fully recovered.ÊÊ Ethan visits her once a month to say he's sorry and have sex with her. | |||||||||||||||||
| ÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊ Have you ever seen Top Gun?Ê That's Ethan's favorite movie. | |||||||||||||||||
| ÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊ Ethan has a tape recorder under his bed that he turns on when he has sex.Ê Then he makes techno remixes with the noises.Ê He cracked the iTunes Top 100 a couple months ago with a song called, "Good Green Fridays with Anna P."Ê He sent Anna a copy with a note that read, "Hey Anna, this is a recording of you having sex with me. What's the Psych homework? Love, Ethan."Ê Anna cried and cried and cried. | |||||||||||||||||
| ÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊ Ethan's thinking about getting a Honda Element because it's completely waterproof, so if you get anything on the seats you can just spray out the entire interior with a hose.Ê Ethan says that that's the next best thing to having a shower drain in the floor of your bedroom.Ê | |||||||||||||||||
| ÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊÊ So look babe, I just thought you should know.Ê Ethan Russell is a good guy, but that doesn't mean you should have sex with him.Ê You probably shouldn't even look directly at him.Ê And if you have a photo on Facebook, you should probably take it down. I mean, just in case.Ê Maybe you think I'm exaggerating, and if that's the case, you should go ask anyone who has ever had sex with Ethan. By my calculations, that's just about everybody. |
|||||||||||||||||
|
|||||||||||||||||
| To submit your reasons for not having sex with Ethan, click here. | |||||||||||||||||
| HOME | |||||||||||||||||