Mr. And Mrs. Gouge Out My Eyeballs

So I know that  big summer blockbusters are immune from any kind of criticism on the grounds that they're not meant to be great films or something, and I know that everybody is OK with this, which blows my mind, since nobody ever comes out of a shitty play and says, "It's OK.  It's the summer, after all".  But there comes a time when even those of the most simple tastes have to get up and say, "WT Fuck?" becasue it's way cooler than saying WTF and because a movie is so outrageously bad that it just insults the collective intelligence of America. Right after watching Mr. and Mrs. Smith is one of those times.  I'll spare everyone some time and just cut straight to the stats:

- 112: Minutes of my life I want back - 4: Scenes that would have been better without Vince Vaughn - 0: Scenes that followed any logical plot - 1: Fight Club t-shirt that was totally distracting and not even funny - 1: Character that wore the Fight Club t-shirt that was also totally distracting and not funny - 2: the number of trained monkeys it took to write the script for Mr. And Mrs. Smith - 20: the number of minutes it took the monkeys to write the script for Mr. And Mrs. Smith - 19: the number of those minutes that were actually spent picking fleas off of each other's backs - 40: percent of the audience that saw the movie just for masturbation purposes - 2: turtle doves - 7: number of times I threw up after seeing Mr. And Mrs. Smith, not because it was really all that bad, but just        because it was bad enough that I had to go out and get drunk afterwards and I drank too much - 13: bad dreams I've had involving cheetahs - 13: IQ of the guy behind me that thought Mr. And Mrs. Smith was the greatest film he had ever seen - 2: Main characters that should have died at the end

Left: Butch and Sundance go out with style.   Right: Style never came back.

All I'm saying is that it would have been a lot cooler if they had had the balls to kill Brad and Angelina at the end, the same way they killed Butch and Sundance.  Plus, it would have saved us that terrible ending that didn't make any sense whatsoever.  Not that Mr. and Mrs. Smith made any sense to begin with; but it's never too late to start.             I think in a lot of ways, Mr. And Mrs. Smith is comparable to a terrorist attack on America.  Not only does it make everyone feel shitty, but it makes everyone nervous. Is there going to be another one?  When?  How will I be affected?  And, just for the record, after September 11th New Yorkers started having more sex.  Conversely, I can't imagine that anybody got laid after this movie, since your date is bound to look shitty when compared to Angelina Jolie or the dude who can't decide whether to bang her or the chick from Friends. So, in that sense, Mr. And Mrs. Smith is actually worse than a terrorist attack.  Switching to the visual model:

And that's just about everything I have to say on that subject.

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