FADE IN: AERIAL VIEW OF CRUNKSVILLE - NIGHT

SLOWLY ZOOM IN on CHESTNUT STREET. Camera PANS in a circle, past perfect little houses on perfect green lawns. Suburbia. Camera RESTS on a house that sticks out like a sore thumb, run-down, paint chipping. The yard is mud, with one large, gnarled, twisted tree sprouting out of the dirt. A sickly yellow light suddenly floods the BASEMENT, flickers, then fades away, as a soft whirring sound fills the air. It's followed by metallic clanks, a few thumps.

PAN LEFT to the AVERY HOUSE, ANGLE ON the darkened bedroom window. A light flicks on, and we hear footsteps.

MISTY (OFFSCREEN)
[mutters in her sleep]

Those are my brownies. Stay away from my

brownies, you stupid little puppet. ... what did I
just say?!

The light is shut off; Camera PANS DOWN to the front porch as ZACK AVERY, in his pajamas, stumbles out, leaving the door open behind him. He walks down the front steps, crosses the lawn. Stops just at the edge of his property and stares at the house next door. Looks around, catching sight of the RED HOME on the other side of the street. He can vaguely make out the figure of a woman standing in the dimly-lit upstairs window, looking out. She flicks on a LIGHTER momentarily, turns it off.

Zack looks back at the house, watches more light flare up in the basement. Looks down at his toes, wiggles them. Lifts one foot, sets it down in his neighbor's bare yard. His other foot doesn't even touch the ground before a strange WIND starts up, blowing leaves and dust around his ankles. Zack wobbles, steps back into his own property, and the wind dies down.

He takes one last look at the house, turns, and goes back inside.

END SCENE

EXT. CHESTNUT STREET - NEXT MORNING

CLOSE on the wheels of the paperboy's bike as he makes his rounds. One by one, people walk out of their houses to pick up papers. Zack walks out of his house, coffee cup in hand, and immediately gets whacked in the gut with the news. He looks down, throws the coffee at the paperboy.

The boy rounds the courner as LEGOLAS steps outside, holding MERTON (THE DOG) in his arms. The paper sails by him and lands in the flowerbed. Legolas is generally agitated, and glares at the boy.

LEGOLAS
Watch it! You miserable little...

He leans down and lets go of Merton, who promptly takes off for the RED'S YARD, where he proceeds to take a crap. Zack shakes his head. Once he finishes his business, Merton returns back to the Greenleaf home.

LEGOLAS
Good boy. Their lawn needed
fertilizing anyway.

ZACK
(waves)
Mornin', Legs.

Legolas pretty much ignores him completely. Both men retreat back into their houses.

Down the street, BRIAN BELL emerges from his mansion, eyes wild, carrrying two cans of paint and holding a paintbrush between his teeth. He swings the cans up onto a massive speaker set up on the porch, sloshing PAINT over the side. He sets the paintbrush down and presses a few buttons on the stereo, causing "Yellow Camaro" to blare from the speakers. Brian immediately bursts into tears.

BRIAN
Glompy loved this song!

As Brian sobs helplessly, CUT TO the Red home. SANGY opens the door and steps out, looking official, and puts her sunglasses on, SAMWISE at her side. They march out to the FLAG POLE in the middle of the yard.

BRIAN
(wipes his nose, squeaks)
G'morning Sangy.
(eyes glaze over)

Sam.

SAMWISE
(smiles at him)
Hullo Brian.

Brian swoons. Sangy raises the CRUNKSVILLEAN FLAG, salutes, and begins to step back.

BRIAN
(eyes widen)
No Sangy, be careful, Merton -

SQUISH.

SANGY
... Eru-damnit!

SAMWISE
... uh-oh.

SANGY
... Legs. LEGS!

Sangy hobbles off angrily, SQUISHing every other step.

SAMWISE
Sangy!

SANGY
LEGOLAS!!

BRIAN
(laughsniffles)
I love those kids.

CUT TO Sangy hobbling across the street, Sam running behind her, ZACK'S POV from the window. We pull back as the two disappear from view to show Zack sitting there, still in his robe. MISTY walks up behind him and puts her hands on his shoulders.

MISTY
What are you doing up? ... what am
I doing up?

ZACK
(chuckles)
Leggy's dog just took a dump on

Sangy's lawn again.

MISTY
(pats him on the shoulder)
Good, honey.

Misty wanders off. CUT TO the GREENLEAF HOUSE. Sangy stands in front of it, making various angry gestures, while Sam is desperately trying to calm her down.

SANGY
I know you're in there, old man!

SAMWISE
Sangy! Sangy, the neighbours!

Sam succeeds in pushing Sangy about two feet away from the Greenleafs. She raves on angrily.

SANGY
Listen up, Elfboy! That piece of scum,
barking rat of yours has just taken

its last dump on my lawn!

SAMWISE
Shhh, Sangy!
(looks around to see if the neighbours
are watching)

SANGY
If I find one more, just one, I'm gonna

catch him and staple his ass shut!

Samwise starts to lead her away, but MERTON jumps up in the front window and begins barking. Sangy turns around, eyes wild, and struggles in Sam's grip.

SANGY
By Eru, I'm gonna do it right now!

SAMWISE
No no no! Sangy, let's go home. Come on.

They hobble off together, MERTON yapping at their retreating backs.

END SCENE.

INT. AVERY HOUSE - MORNING

Zack walks into the kitchen and speaks over the cartoons on the TV, while Misty shuffles around, making something that vaguely resembles breakfast.

ZACK
Hey honey, I think we should move.

(sets the paper on the table)

We've got a girly elf next door

and a crazy person across the street.

All they ever do is fight.

Zack turns the volume on the TV down, then takes the sugar bowl away from a kid-sized Funk, who is piling it onto her cereal.

ZACK
Is this sweet enough?

(walks over to look out the kitchen window)
Now these new next-door
neighbours, what is their name
again? The Martinezes?

MISTY
Yeah.

ZACK
What is that, a Slavic name?

MISTY
I don't know.

ZACK
They've been here a month,
you think they're gonna do
something about their yard?

MISTY
(shrugs, tastes whatever it is that she's
been cooking for breakfast)
... are you gonna eat any of this?

ZACK
Um... no, I've got that thing
with my stomach again.

(pokes at his tummy)
I wonder what was going on over
there last night.

MISTY
(sighs)
I knew this was gonna happen.

ZACK
What?

MISTY
Nothing.

ZACK
(annoyed)
What, Misty? What did you know
was going to happen?

MISTY
It's started already. Look at you! You're
gonna sit around the house all week
doing nothing, get bored out of your
mind and go back to work in worse
shape than you are now!

Zack smiles in one of those 'this is so typical' kinds of ways and sits down at the table, slouching.

ZACK
No I'm not.

MISTY
Please, let's pack up the van and go to
the beach, just get away from here and rest,
simmer down! You should see yourself!
You were up at the crack of dawn watching
a dog poo, for Eru's sake!

ZACK
You call going down to the beach resting?
It is four hours driving through maddening
traffic to sit in some un-airconditioned, slowly
deteriorating beach house and wait for the
neighbour with the enormous head to get
drunk and fall down the stairs!

MISTY
Don't be a jerk. He's a hydrocephalic and
you shouldn't make fun of him.

ZACK
Honey, that's just not my idea of restful,
alright? This is restful - hanging around
the house, just being lazy, and that's what
I wanna do. Hang around, be lazy. Listen
to the ball game, drink a couple hundred
beers, maybe smoke the occasional bit of pipeweed -

Misty gives him the most horrible withering look.

ZACK
... outside. I - I'll fix the barbecue in the
backyard if you want. I'll do that. This
is what I need, Misty, I need ... this!
(gestures around)
And you'll see, at the end of the week

I'll be a brand new human being.

MISTY
(shrugs)
It's your vacation.

END SCENE