INT.
MISTY AND ZACK'S HOUSE – NIGHT
Tommy,
Sangy, Misty and Sam are in the living room; Zack sits watching them from the
stairs.
MISTY
Okay, I admit it, they're slightly eccentric –
TOMMY
Slightly eccentric? Misty!
- but that doesn't mean that
they're -
SANGY
These people are clearly psychos!
SAMWISE
Zack, what do you think?
TOMMY
Yeah.
(walks over, puts one foot on the bottom stair and looks at him)
What do you think.
SANGY
Right. Been awfully quiet, Zack. Maybe
we could have a little participation
here?
Everyone
gathers around him, looking at him expectantly.
ZACK
I-I think they're clean.
TOMMY
(disgusted)
Oh.
ZACK
I think Misty and Sam are right.
SAMWISE
(looks at Sangy)
See.
TOMMY
Oh, that's great, Zack. That's great. Just open the door,
pull the ripcord and bail
out on us! That's great, considering
you're the one who started
this whole thing to begin with.
MISTY
Woah, who started it, Tunaneck? I think you –
Tunaneck?!
MISTY
- you instigated this whole damn thing!<
TOMMY
You know who instigated this, your little girl, watching
people dig in the backyard!
MISTY
You leave my –
Zack
gets up, puts a hand on her shoulder
Honey. Will you and Sam
excuse us, I think I should
talk with Sangy and Tommy in
the computer room for
a bit.
MISTY
Okay. It's good to see you've come to your senses.
She gives him a hug and a kiss. Tommy makes more disgusted 'oh' noises. She and Sam walk off, and Zack leads the other two into the computer room.
TOMMY
So what's the deal, Zack? Are you siding with the
chicks against us, is that
it?
The fact that Sam is not a girl doesn't seem to be important at the moment. Sangy and Tommy sit down.
SANGY
Are you totally pussywhipped or what? Why don't
you just take your balls out of your wife's purse, and
make a stand for one time in your life?
Zack digs into his pockets and pulls out Legs' wig.
TOMMY
It's Leggy's wig. Big deal.
SANGY
… you've had that in your trousers all day?
ZACK
(points at it)
After you found this in Legs' house yesterday, I
slipped it back in through the mail slot.
TOMMY
Where did you get it this time?
Zack nods towards the house next door. Tommy's eyes widen
TOMMY
Martinez's? wow…
ZACK
After the dog came up out of the basement. I found it
wedged between a bunch of magazines, all of which, I
might add, were addressed to the Greenleafs.
TOMMY
(takes the wig)
Well then that… that means that…
SANGY
(grabs the wig from him)
Martinez went back inside Leggy's house… and got
the hair!
(looks at Zack)
What do we do now, soldier?
ZACK
You heard them say they were going away tomorrow. As
soon as that car leaves in the morning, I'm going over the fence.
And I'm not coming back 'till I've found a dead body. Nobody
knocks off an Elf in my neighbourhood and gets away with it.
Tommy and Sangy both clap their hands on his shoulders.
END SCENE
EXT. CHESNUT STREET – MORNING
The Martinezes' garage door opens. The beat-up old car rolls out and down the street, through the garbage from two days before that still hasn't been picked up. Sangy watches them drive away through her window. CLOSE ON Brian's sunglasses as he watches them too, the car reflected in the lenses. Sangy walks out onto her front lawn as they turn the corner, then she grins
SANGY
Gentleman, we are on alert.
She walks offscreen; across the street, Zack, Kooky, Funk, Misty AND the dogs walk out to the car, loaded with suitcases, and get in. Except for Zack.
MISTY
You know what you could do, is you could vaccuum –
ZACK
Yeah, that'd be a fun project, but I'm going to be playing
golf, with Tommy, today.
MISTY
I didn't mean right now – you hate golf!
ZACK
… uh… well, it's my vacation, love, I just wanted to get
out of the house. And I'd think that after the week I put
you through, you would too, eh?
MISTY
Why do I get the impression that you're trying to get
rid of me.
ZACK
I'm going to be gone all day, hon, I figured it'd be a good
time for you to go
see your Aunt Jill! And you…
(looks at the kids)
Have a good time with the cousins!
FUNK
We hate them, Dad. Troy's a moron and Stacey smells.
ZACK
(grins)
Have a nice weekend.
MISTY
I want a kiss – I could die. They could kill me.
Zack kisses her; Kooky and Funk make Various Disgusted Noises from the backseat.
MISTY
Love you, dear.
She puts her sunglasses on, starts up the car. Tommy walks up, dressed in full Stupid Golf Attire and waves as they drive off
TOMMY
Hey Misty, see my new golf glove? I got it so I don't
get blisters, we're
gonna be playing that much golf! Really!
(swings and hits a pebble on the driveway)
Fore!
(looks at Zack)
Think she bought it?
Zack runs off to the backyard. Tommy rips off his Stupid Golf Hat and follows.
Across the street, Sangy walks out of her house, dressed all in camo and armed with, among other things, a shotgun and a walky-talky. She puts her sunglasses on, dramatically.
We cut to the Bell porch, where Caleb is on the phone.
CALEB
Yo, Fin-man! What's goin' on? Listen, you gotta
come down today,
it's gonna be live! No, you have to!
Something's about to happen. I can't tell you.
CUT TO: Zack's backyard. Tommy's changed into normal, not-stupid clothes now, with the exception of the bright orange hard hat he's wearing. Zack and Sangy stand next to him. Zack looks worried. Sangy fiddles with a walky-talky.
ZACK
Are you sure you know what you're doing, Tommy?
There's a lot of juice going through those wires, you hit
the wrong one, you're a post-toasty.
TOMMY
Zack, electricity is our friend. Besides, we want to take
out their alarms, don't we?
ZACK
I was thinking maybe we could just bypass the fence
altogether and find a new way in.
TOMMY
No one knows how many trip alarms they have in there!
No, I can take out everything they've got with one clip
of the snips.
(snaps his wire-cutter-things, looks at Sangy)
Right, Captain?
SANGY
Affirmative.
Tommy starts to climb the telephone pole. In her fiddling, Sangy sets off a siren on the walky-talky. Zack covers his ears; she grins.
SANGY
Siren mode. Shibby, eh?
(turns it off)
You know, I can raise all the police channels, and the
power company channels on this baby?
ZACK
Be careful up there, Tommy.
TOMMY
No, it's okay Zack. 'Sokay, I'll get it. We gotta get going
though, 'cause uh, we're burning daylight here.
ZACK
(looks at Sangy)
Hey, where should we start digging once we get over there?
SANGY
Start in the backyard, then check the basement.
ZACK
Be careful up there, Tommy. Go slow, alright?
TOMMY
Hey, safety is my middle name.
ZACK
No, your middle name's Pee.
Tommy tries to pull out and unroll his plans with one hand while holding onto the telephone pole with the other, fails miserably and lets the plans fall to the ground.
ZACK
Are you sure you're alright up there?
SANGY
(to Zack)
I don't know that he knows what he's doing.
ZACK
Well why don't you go up there?
SANGY
(looks at him)
It's very high.
Tommy finds the wire he's supposed to cut and clips it. It explodes. He screams and falls, falling right through the roof of Zack's shed.
ZACK
Oh Jesus! Eru!
(runs over to the shed, looks at Sangy)
Get an ambulance on that thing!
Zack rips open the shed door. Tommy gets up and stumbles out.
TOMMY
I'm okay! I'm alright!
He takes the half-melted helmet off his head, then screams and tosses it at Zack
TOMMY
HOT!
Zack dodges. Tommy wobbles a bit and takes another step.
TOMMY
I took a jolt, but I'm okay.
ZACK
Can you stand up alright? Can you
use your legs?
TOMMY
Oh yeah. I'm alright.
SANGY
(takes out a vial of smelling salts)
Try one of these.
TOMMY
(takes a deep breath)
ohh yeah that's better.
(falls backwards)
ZACK
(catches him)
Woah woah woah!
Tommy gets back up, wobbles some more.
TOMMY
Woah, look at my fingers. My fingernails
are black. Ow ow ow, my fillings are hot!
SANGY
Look at this!
(wiggles the trip-wire)
The man actually hit the right wire! There's no
alarm!
ZACK
Heeey, good job!
SANGY
Congratulations. Now give me five, I'm going to
set up a communcations base.
ZACK
You got it.
SANGY
(hands him the other walky-talky)
Here, you're gonna need this.
She walks off.