EXT. RED HOUSE -
FRONT YARD - MORNINGDAYISH
Sangy sits on the grass, trying to fix the lawnmower, while
Sam kneels next to her, gardening. He rambles on while she stares angrily
across the street at the Greenleaf house.
SAMWISE
Okay, Sangy, what I'm goin' to do is
I'm goin' to mix the
zinnias in with the
rest of the flowers.
The man at the
nursery said -
SANGY
Boy, that really burns my ass.
SAMWISE
... what?
SANGY
That girly old Elf. He's got the best
lawn on the block.
(stands up, eyes narrowed)
And you know why.
SAMWISE
'Cause there's no pyromaniacs
livin' at his house?
SANGY
Because he trains his
dog
dog to crap in my yard.
Sangy sits down again. Brian walks over to his front
sidewalk, dusting his hands off
BRIAN
Hey Sam! Your hair is
extra
fluffly this mornin'!
Looks nice!
Sam smiles and blushes. Sangy narrows her eyes even more and
rips a few wires out of the mower.
SANGY
Brian's a stupid vegan beanpole.
CUT TO: The Avery house. Zack raises the garage door, Tommy
not far behind him.
CUT BACK to Sangy and Sam. Sangy nods in Zack's direction
and leans over to Sam.
SANGY
Bigbrows. He came out in his
boxers last night
when the foreigners
were making all that
racket. Didn't do
one thing.
CUT TO Tommy and Zack. Tommy unwraps a stick of gum and
stuffs it in his mouth. Zack's still
holding onto the handle of the garage door, rocking back and forth on his feet
TOMMY
So what are you gonna do first?
ZACK
I don't know.
(pauses)
Hey, did I show you my new tools?
MISTY (OFF-SCREEN)
DIRTY!
TOMMY
(ignores her)
No you didn't.
ZACK
They're great. Misty's dad bought
them for me for
Christmas. Because he
thinks I'm too
feminine, mostly. But
they're still very
shiny.
Zack goes back into the garage through a path that's been
cleared through the junk. He begins digging around. Tommy watches the Martinez
house with interest. Finally, Zack returns with a toolbox and opens it up.
ZACK
See? What do you think?
TOMMY
Oh, those are beauties.
Misty's voice comes from the kitchen, chanting.
MISTY (OFF-SCREEN)
Tommy and Zack, sittin' in a tree.
K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
She's completely ignored. Tommy begins wandering down the
driveway, eyes fixed on the house next door.
ZACK
Hey, what time does the ball game
game go on?
TOMMY
I think at about, uhh, one. Hey,
you wanna go down to
the deli
and get one of those,
uh, beef
sandwiches?
ZACK
No, I was thinking about going
and getting one of
those electric
garage door openers
and installing
it.
There's a creaking sound as the front door of the Martinez
home opens up. A young, scruffy looking fellow edges out. Tommy's eyes widen.
TOMMY
Zack. Zack. Zack! Zack, come here!
Zack hurries over and stands next to him.
TOMMY
(nods at the boy)
What is it?
ZACK
It's my neighbor.
CUT TO Sangy and Sam. Sangy looks up and raises her
eyebrows.
SANGY
Hey, one of the huns came out
of the cave!
Sam puts his shovel down and looks up.
CUT TO Legolas, who watches the Martinez house, still
holding Merton. Legolas gets his 'WTF' look on.
CUT TO Brian. Funk has walked over to join him. Both of them
stare at the house in awe.
CUT TO the boy. He stares out at the neighbourhood,
scratching his stubbly face.
CUT TO Legolas. Merton starts to bark, but Legolas quickly
'shhh's him.
CUT BACK to Tommy and Zack.
TOMMY
Why don't you go say hi?
ZACK
... well... yeah, I
guess I could.
TOMMY
This would be the perfect time, because... if
you go up and talk to
him, we can see what
he's like. Go.
ZACK
You could say hi to him too.
TOMMY
Yeah but he's your neighbour.
ZACK
Well he's your
neighbour as well.
TOMMY
Yeah, but I'm over.
You share a property
line with him.
ZACK
Yeah, but we're all on the same block, so I
mean, you could say
hi too.
TOMMY
We're all in the same town, too, but you're
right next to him.
The boy slowly bends down and picks up the newspaper,
looking around in an almost paranoid kinda way.
TOMMY
If he's ever gonna borrow anything, he's
gonna go to you for
it.
ZACK
Well, he's - he's
busy.
TOMMY
He's not bus - now
look, he's going in.
Go now, because if - I mean - he's going
back in, if you were
gonna say hi, you
should proba - look,
he's going in.
Boy backs up like some kind of terrified rodent and runs
into the door.
TOMMY
You - you're gonna lose him, cause he -
he's gonna go in -
Boy quickly opens the door and disappears inside, slamming
it shut behind him. Tommy sighs.
TOMMY
Well, now you've blown it haven't you.
ZACK
No I didn't blow it.
He went into his house.
TOMMY
Chicken.
ZACK
I'm not chicken because he went into his
house.
TOMMY
(clucks)
You know, you looked
like a chicken in front
of your daughter and
everything. Your daughter.
Zack looks at him and stomps down the sidewalk, grabbing
Tommy's sleeve and dragging him along.
ZACK
(pushes him down the sidewalk)
If this is such a big
deal, let's just go say hello!
TOMMY
Hey hey hey hey! It's a joke!
ZACK
Let's go say hello! Come on!
TOMMY
Why so edgy? Try decaf!
ZACK
Come on!
CUT TO Sangy and Sam. Sangy sits with an amused look on her
face, arms crossed.
SANGY
They're daring each other to ring the
doorbell.
SAMWISE
We shouldn't stare like this.
(keeps staring anyway)
CUT BACK to Zack and Tommy
ZACK
We both go inside and
say hello, or
are you chicken?!
BRIAN
(shouts from across the street)
Go for it Horribleman! YES!
(pumps fist)
Both men look over. Tommy sighs.
TOMMY
Now everybody's watching us.
BRIAN
(cheers)
Good goin', man!
TOMMY
Yeah, okay, yeah. I'll go in with you.
Sure, right, no problem.
(spits his gum out)
Let's go.
Both men take deep breaths and begin marching up the
Martinezes' front sidewalk. Dramatic, almost western-type
on-my-way-to-the-showdown(SHOWDOWN!) music plays. Another eerie wind begins to
blow. The camera ZOOMS IN on each of the neighbours' widening eyes, CUTTING TO
each of them in turn: Brian, Sam, Sangy, Legolas, Merton.
Finally, both men reach the porch and step up, the music and
wind fading away.
TOMMY
I don't know if you noticed, but there's
bars on the basement
windows here.
Tommy takes another step and his foot plunges right through
the wooden porch.
TOMMY
ow. ow. ow.
ZACK
They've got holes in their porch too.
TOMMY
(gets back on his feet)
That was a booby trap.
ZACK
I'm not gonna pay for
that.
TOMMY
We shouldn't pay for
that, we should
sue them.
ZACK
(sighs)
Well, um... let's uh... let's say hello.
Camera ZOOMS IN on the huge, gawdy, lion-shaped doorknocker.
Zack takes it and knocks once. The 9 on the street-number plaque - 669 - flips
upside down to become 666. The men look at each other. Zack hesitates, then
knocks twice more.
The plaque falls off completely, knocking into the porch
light it was hanging over in the process. The light falls off, revealing a hole
in the wall filled with BEES. They buzz out and swarm around Tommy and Zack.
ZACK
... hey.
They slap at anything within reach and flail around, running
back into the street, screaming in terror.
CUT TO Sangy and Sam. Sam screams.
SANGY
Get the hose!
(jumps up, shouts)
Hang on men!
She grabs the hose and begins dragging it out to the street,
where Tommy and Zack are doing a dance similar to the "MY HOUSE IS ON
FIRE!" dance.
SANGY
Run to me! Run to
water!
Halfway across the lawn, Sangy slips in one of Merton's
presents and lands on her back. Sam screams again, and Brian bursts into
laughter. Sangy quickly gets back on her feet and the men run into her yard,
flailing. She soaks them with the garden hose.
We CUT TO Brian who runs to meet them, laughing. Funk looks
at her father, rolls her eyes and sighs.
CUT BACK to the rest. Brian runs over.
ZACK
I think they're gone, Sangy. I
think they're gone!
SANGY
(turns off the water)
You men hit?
BRIAN
(drops to his knees next to Tommy)
I cannot believe you did that!
(hits him playfully in the arm. Pauses,
rubs his hand)
I cannot believe it! That was
great! You know, the
same
thing happened to me
last week!
Oh, it wasn't bees
though. It
was a foaming
squirrel.
SANGY
(takes off her sunglasses)
In the Wastelands we'd call
this type of thing...
(tilts head, narrows eyes)
Bad karma.
Tommy blinks and spits a bee out of his mouth.
END SCENE