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MFL Impact Online
Friday, December 21 - Number 9 Langosta Blanco So peep this: The fishing villages along Nicaragua's southeastern coast are so remote that the inhabitants don't speak Spanish as a first language. They don't use the Nicaraguan currency either. But in recent years a strange collision of nose candy, frontier justice, and ocean currents has transformed villages that once subsisted on shrimp and lobster. In place of thatch huts there are opulent mansions with satellite dishes. Nowadays the villagers troll the coastal waters in search of what they call Langosta Blanco, “the white lobster.” Crotch-rocket 800-horsepower Colombian speedboats thunder by, packed with bales of cocaine, trying to lose U.S. Coast Guard patrols in the numerous small islands off the Nicaraguan coast. If they get by, they drop off the drugs in southern Mexico, where they are smuggled over the border into the U.S. They get rich, Americans get loaded, and everyone is happy, except maybe for Lindsay Lohan's publicist. But, if they smugglers get stopped, they dump the evidence in the ocean waters and avoid jail time. The swirling ocean currents float the bales to one of the most remote places in the world. “They consider it a blessing from God. You see people all day just walking up and down the beaches keeping a lookout to sea,” says the police chief of Bluefields, the main port on Nicaragua's Caribbean coast. A person can go from having nothing to having a mansion in the blink of an eye. Since joining the MFL as an expansion team in 2003, Arkdale has been almost as remote an outpost as Bluefields. Before this year, the Aardvarks had never had a .500 season, and never finished above third in their conference. After trading Maurice Jones-Drew in the preseason and with Vince Young wounded and struggling during the first month, things looked grim in Arkdale. Their offense was as exciting as room-temperature tap water. Then, on October 13, they caught their White Lobster. For salary cap reasons, the Pittsburgh Spears put reigning Playoff MVP Peyton Manning on the trade block, and Josh Stuckey jumped at the opportunity. Manning tossed his new team on his back and carried Arkdale to the West title, then stunned heavily-favored New York and Manning's arch-rival Tom Brady in the Wild Card game. Now, he faces off in the Super Bowl against-- who else?-- Pittsburgh. This looks to be a close one. Here's the Nick Bakay tale of the tape. QB Ben Roethlisberger vs. Peyton Manning The Steelers are tied for the AFC North lead, so they can't afford to rest their starters like Indy will. Big Ben should put up numbers against a poor Rams defense that was torched by Favre last week. It's in a dome so the weather will not be a factor, but since it's a short-rest Thursday game following the Jacksonville slugfest, there's a chance that Pitt might Cliff Clavin this one. (See what I did there? Cliff Clavin's a mail man. Get it? That's why I have my own blog.) Advantage: Spears RB Joseph Addai vs. Edgerrin James For the first half of the season, Addai averaged more than one yard per carry than he has in the second half. This is the first time in his college and pro career that he has been the every-down back, and he seems tired. I'm guessing he sits the entire second half in favor of Kenton Keith to rest up for the playoffs. Meanwhile, the Cards are committed to the run, but now that they are out of the playoff picture the coaching staff will give JJ Arrington more looks. Advantage: Push RB Chester Taylor vs. Ron Dayne Almost exactly one year ago, Ron Dayne put up 166 yards and two scores against the Colts. With a much more balanced attack to keep the Colts D honest, Dayne should have a repeat performance. As for Chester... With a healthier Adrian Peterson in the lineup, and with Tarvaris Jackson's run/pass option on the goal line, I'm guessing he will not molest the end zone. Advantage: Aardvarks WR Torry Holt vs. Marques Colston Holt on turf against a tired Pitt secondary might be gold for the Spears. Either it's a close game where he's a factor, or it'll be a Steelers walkover where he's catching passes as they try to come back. Meanwhile, Marques Colston is on fire as the Saints fight for their playoff lives. I originally thought that Arkdale made an error trading Jones-Drew for him, but Colston has turned into one of the league's best. The game is in the dome, so weather won't derail the N'Orleans passing attack. Colston will score at least once, probably twice. Advantage: Aardvarks WR Andre Johnson vs. Calvin Johnson I'm not sure if the Spears play former 'Vark Reggie Wayne or Andre Johnson. Wayne is the safe bet, since he will offset at least one Peyton TD toss. Johnson is the boom-or-bust pick, who looks to put a few on the board against the Colts backup D. Meanwhile, Detroit is reeling after six straight losses and rumor has it that Mike Martz could be fired. As a result, he might decide to go down in a blaze of glory, refusing to call a rushing play for the remainder of the year. It will be the first ever Eff You Gameplan. Look for Megatron Johnson to get a ton of targets, though I don't think he'll find the endzone. Advantage: Spears TE Antonio Gates vs. Tony Gonzalez These are two of the best receiving tight ends to ever play the game, but Gates has the better supporting cast. The Chargers are fighting for the #3 playoff spot and will be motivated. However, Detroit is cover-your-eyes awful against tight ends (see Witten's record-tying performance a week ago. Hrrm... the guy has fourteen catches against our our mediocre middle linebacker. There's two minutes left, and they need a TD. Where do you think they'll throw it? Now you know why the Lions haven't won it all since 1958. Thanks for bringing it up. Next, will you give me a papercut and pour lemon juice in it?). Advantage: Eff you, I'm going to go cry now. D/ST Vikings D/ST vs. Baltimore Ravens Purple Defenses are for Pimps! Against the turnover-prone Redskins at home, the Vikings record-setting D has an above-average chance of taking one to the house. At the same time, the purple-clad Ravens play at Seattle, and any December game there can turn into an icy raining fumblefest. Advantage: Pimps, er, Push. K Nate Kaeding vs. Jeff Reed This is my best guess as to the kickers the coaches will pick. Kaeding and Reed are on teams that need to win, have good weather (at San Diego and in a dome), and face mediocre teams. The danger is that their teams put up TDs instead of field goals in blowouts. Advantage: Push So, who will win? In a close slugfest, decided by Antonio Gates and Nate Kaeding on Christmas Eve, the Purple Pimp predicts: Pittsburgh Spears 30, Arkdale Aardvarks 28 Manning fights valiantly, but can't quite get his new team the W. Merry Christmas to Alls Y'Alls and a Pimping New Year. Here's hoping Santa Claus leaves you all sorts o' stuff and doesn't treat you like a red-suited crack ho-ho-ho, breakin' into your pad, eatin' yo muhfuggin milk an cookies, an makin off wif yo wallet an Barry White CDs an sh*t. Regards, "The Purple Pimp" Always Be Closing
Alec Baldwin, the Chiefs coach, an IU legend, and my high school buddy walk into a bar...
True men of vision are always good for a profound quote. In Glengarry Glen Ross, Alec Baldwin speechified, “Always Be Closing... You Close, or you hit the bricks.” In a postgame press conference, Herm Edwards said, “You play to win the game.” In his autobiography, Bob Knight wrote “The key is not the will to win-- everybody has that. It is the will to prepare to win that is important.” And in a darkened parking lot behind Olive Garden, Wesley “Spaceman” Snodgrass told me, “I'd rather be embarrassed as hell than go to jail.”
Let me explain the last one. We were sixteen, and a long lazy summer was coming to a close. The Spaceman had pooled together months of Burger King minimum wages to purchase a sky blue Ford Econoline van we dubbed The Beast. (In retrospect, it would have been funnier and more consistent had we called it The Spaceship. We also could have cracked constant Star Wars jokes, such as “Fast? This baby made the Western Avenue Taco Bell run in less than twelve parsecs!” Err, that is, we would have made such jokes if we were Star Wars geeks, instead of the awesomely popular mack pimp daddies we were.)
Anyway, at two thirty seven AM on August fourteenth, Spaceman and I were piloting the Beast on a very important mission. The mission? To find a deserted, out-of-the-way place, a place free of the stress of day-to-day life, a place outside the purview of the parents and The Man where we could just hang out and be ourselves. And also, you know, drink warm Pabst Blue Ribbon and smoke some dope.
We decided to park behind Olive Garden for the same reason people eat at Olive Garden; it's nearby, and there are probably worse alternatives if you look hard enough. After a few PBRs and a Ricky Williams sized spliff, we were feeling pretty good. The Beast's radio didn't work right and only tuned in the 80's Sappy Power Ballads station, but we didn't care. Note to Science: the tendency to sing along with the musical stylings of Bonnie Tyler is directly proportional to the amount of THC in one's bloodstream.
We were feeling fine, we were mellow, we saw lights. Red, White, and Blue. Red, White, and Blue. How patriotic. This is ourrrr country! Wait, crap, that's not John Cougar Mellencamp: that's the police!
Now, Wesley “Spaceman” Snodgrass is the smartest, most fast-thinking person I have ever met. Forget Obama, or Hillary! or even Fred Thompson; the Spaceman should be the next President. (And yes, he inhaled.) As the police officer approached our vehicle, Spaceman pulled his Megadeth T-shirt over his head and dropped his jean shorts. In one horrifying movement-- which to this day is seared in my mind as a slow motion Matrix fight scene-- he hurdled over the center console and pinned me to my seat in a big old bear hug.
Officer Friendly tapped on the window, intending to bust some dirty pot-smoking hippies who were out past curfew. Instead, he got an eyeball-full of half-naked long-haired dudes necking to “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” He shuffled back to the squad car as fast as possible, and Spaceman and I did not go to jail. Yay us.
The drive home was awkward as hell, however.
So what does this not-so-vaguely homoerotic story have to do with the coach quotes? Strategy. At this point in the season, both divisions and the Wild Card are still up for grabs. Some coaches will stand pat, while others will play hunches and juggle lineups. Is it better to make a potentially embarrassing move, or go for the gusto? Drew Kuespert made the first bold play last week by putting Shaun Alexander on IR. Alexander is a proven winner and the type of veteran who can put a struggling team on his back come playoff time. He also is ultra-gimpy and needs at least a few weeks off. If he comes back from his injury and blows up for dozens of (ineligible) points during the playoff weeks, the St. Louis fans will riot. Coach K will be mocked incessantly on the message boards and on the Ocho all summer. However, IR replacement Maurice Morris just might be the answer to the Grines' runningback problems. His late TD won the game against Pittsburgh, giving Mizzou a half game lead in the West. Win out and a playoff berth is theirs, and Coach K is a genius. If nothing else, I give him credit for rolling the dice. So what other hunches and ballsy moves might decide the division? Arkdale: The Dallas Cowboys Defense was a throw-in in the trades for Honey-Coated Bear-Fighting Burglar Guts. However, Dallas could score honey bunches of points over the next few weeks. Baltimore looks awful and deserves to be benched, and Big D finishes against some of the most turnover-prone QBs around, starting with Jason Campbell, who makes Chuck Knoblauch's throws to first seem accurate by comparison. Speaking of Cowboys, I used to teach English and Literature to junior high school kids who would rather score brew from Spaceman's kid brother than read “A Tale of Two Cities.” (Not that I blame them.) In order to get their attention, I would tell them, “Look kids, proper punctuation and sentence structure is important. Consider the sentence: The handsome cowboy helped his brother COMMA Jack COMMA off the horse.” They read “A Tale of Two Cities.” South Bend: Drew Bennett jumps out as a solid “hunch” play. The Rams are starting to click now that Steven Jackson is back, and Isaac Bruce and Torry Holt are dinged up so Bennett's a legitimate red zone threat. They also face-off against some awful defenses, including the 49ers and Bengals. The Adrian Peterson injury will be tough to overcome, but don't think Randy DeCleene will go down without a fight. If I understand the new injury rules, the Scraps can still designate Travis Henry to IR this week because he has a hurt knee and his suspension is not yet official. Then they can cut Henry or another player to free up a roster spot for an IR replacement. They could do the same thing with the wounded and underachieving Vincent Jackson in order to upgrade at QB. (Speaking as an owner of J.P. Losman and Brian Greise in other leagues, let me tell you that's not saying much.) Is this legal? Who knows? Would it cause Mr. W's head to explode like the dude in Scanners? Absolutely. And if the IR replacement is Controversial Running Back Ladell Betts and a playoff showdown with Pittsburgh ensues? Coach Nate Russo builds a Brian Wilson-esque sandbox in his living room. Missouri: For as good as Tony Romo has been this year, there is something wrong about Drew Brees riding the pine. He finishes against a soft schedule, with New Orleans fighting for its playoff life, and with the team's two best RBs hurt. If I'm Brees, I trust the New Orleans running game the same way I “trust” co-workers in one of those stupid corporate team building exercises: I'm sure that you'll catch me when I pretend to fall backwards, or that you'll lift up the oversized parachute in a half-assed manner just to make sure people don't think you're a dick. (News Flash: you are.) When the chips are down in Real Life, I'll fend for myself. F**k You, that's my name. You drove a Hyundai to get here tonight, I drove an $80,000 BMW-- that's my name. Nice guy: I don't give a s**t. Good father: f**k you, go home and play with your kids. You wanna work here, Close. Drew Brees is a Closer. So which Coach/GM is a Closer? You know what it takes to win in the MFL? It takes brass balls to win in the MFL. Who will make the moves to win? “The money's out there. If you pick it up, its yours. You don't and I got no sympathy for you... Close, or you'll be shining my shoes.” The Pimp predicts: Missouri wins the Cadillac El Dorado. Arkdale gets the set of steak knives. South Bend, third prize: you're fired. Regards, "The Purple Pimp" Boxed Whine
This was a fun weekend, to be certain. On Sunday I visited Ford Field for my Lions' 44-7 whooping of the Broncos, and the day before, this South Bend-dwelling Michigan Wolverine alum went shopping at Old Navy. After waiting in line for what seemed like forty three years, I got hungry and ate a juicy Naval Orange and some Navy beans. I eschewed the Irish coffee, and instead enjoyed me some boxed wine.
Now, nothing says “high class alcoholic” more than downing an entire five liter box of Franzia within seventy two hours. Eight of which hours were spent driving to-and-from Ford Field, and four of which hours were spent trying to inconspicuously keep a 17" wine box tucked under an extra large #92 Shaun Rogers jersey, squirting cocktails from my bosom like Rose Of Sharon in the final pages of Grapes of Wrath.
Yes, I am Awesome. Thanks for noticing.
Anyway, I was stunned when I returned late Sunday evening and saw the MFL scoreboard. Arkdale was in position to beat New York, and Chicago was up three on the Spears. Both East teams valiantly came back, but the Varks forced a tie with the Kitties, proving that the best team in the West can go head to head with the most explosive Eastern team. This may well have been a Super Bowl preview. Meanwhile, Pitt looks vulnerable, especially with LJ's injury. Roethlisbingushead can't throw five TDs every game, can he? Who does he think he is, Peyton Manning?... Pitt faces off versus Mizzou Sunday, and because of the matchups I sense an Upset Special.
Without further ado...
Mid-Season +2 Games Power Rankings, with cut-to-the quick one-word analysis.
New York Lynx: Brady Regards,
"The Purple Pimp" Halloween = Bobbing for Awesome
I recently upgraded to the new Yahoo Mail, and have received an unprecedented amount of e-mail messages. The most frequently asked question is, “Want a m0nstr t00l that will use V1agra to refinance your m0rtgage while downloading hardc0re pr0n and winning a free iP0d?” The next most frequently asked question is, “Pimp, which MFL character should I dress up as for my Halloween party?”
The answer to the first question is, “Obviously yes. To what shady Ukranian website shall I forward my bank account number?” The answer to the second is:
Travis Henry
Show up in a Broncos jersey and wheel around a stroller full of kids. From time to time stop to make out with anything female and toke from your “Mile High” blunt.
Rex Grossman
Be the irresistible life of the party for the first few hours. Then, when everyone is expecting you to dazzle them, abruptly stand up and go take a dump on the nachos.
Bill Belichick
All you need is a hoodie, an intense look, and a Sony Handi-cam.
Female
If you are a female who weighs less than Tony Siragusa, it doesn't matter what you dress up as. Sexy cheerleader. Sexy baseball player, sexy football player, sexy referee... http://www.funkyboutique.com/spfaco.html has you covered.
Frank Gore, Steven Jackson, Rudi Johnson
Just don't show up.
Nate Russo
Wear a purple shirt, socks, and sandals. Take out your wallet and offer a dollar to everyone who passes by, accepting sixty three cents in return.
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Don't even think of dressing up as Mike Vick; it's too easy and beneath you. It's the Halloween equivalent of O.J. high-fiving Phil Spector in the “Douchebags” aisle of Homicides R' Us. Funny, sure, but you'll have to spend your remaining days living with what you've done.
But, then again, what the Effing Heck do I know? I've been awake since Thursday morning consuming orange and black Jello shots and slap-fighting seven foot inflatable ghosts on my neighbor's front lawn when my temper suits me. Trick or Treat: The Price is Wrong, Beeotch!
I Love This Game! Halloween = Bobbing for Awesome.
Regards,
"The Purple Pimp" Honey-Coated Bear-Fighting Burglar Guts
So I was imbibing a mojito with Jessica Alba and
Florence Henderson in C. Thomas Howell's hot tub when
my cell phone rang. “What? You're kidding. That's
pennies on the dollar. Who does Nate Russo think he
is, Danny Effin' Ainge? Crazy trade, if it's true.
Dude, look, I gotta go. My dates are getting
restless.”
At that point the Nutmeg and Robitussin were kicking
in, so I figured that I had hallucinated it all. And
by the time John Stamos showed up with home-made
chocolate chip cookies and Jello pudding pops, I had
forgotten the entire incident.
Later in the evening, though, Florence frantically
showed me the official MFL webpage on my laptop
screen. Distracted as I was by Mrs. Brady's thong
bikini, my eyes popped when I read:
“MANNING TRADED!”
On the one hand, I understand the Spears' move. Vince
Young is the Shiznit, and it looks like he'll be the
scramblin' ramblin' dual threat Mike Vick never
developed into, and with less animal cruelty to boot.
Reggie Wayne is awesome, and that means Pitt won't
have to worry about their receiver production, which
might be worth the three points per game they lose
going with a non-Peyton quarterback. Brandon Jackson
may or may not pan out, but if he doesn't DeShawn Wynn
will be a low-paid steal.
But still... It's Peyton F**king Manning!!! He's the
only sure thing in a league that's gone crazy this
year. Florida Marlins manager Jack McKeon once said
Josh Beckett “has the guts of a burglar” when the game
is on the line. Well, Manning is the MFL's Burglar
Guts. In a big game, Manning is unbeatable. He plays
the Ray Lewis role in the infamous Shannon Sharpe
quote: “Ray Lewis is the type of guy where if he were
in a fight with a bear I wouldn't help him. I'd pour
honey on him because he likes to fight. That's the
type of guy Ray Lewis is.”
It's official: Honey-Coated Bear-Fighting Burglar Guts
goes to Arkdale.
Mired in an Eastern division that's turned into a
Vickesque dogfight with New York and Canton,
Pittsburgh might have traded away their playoff
chances. And Arkdale, after overachieving early, is
in prime position to win the West and possibly the
Super Bowl. Wow. In my preseason preview I picked
the Aardvarks to finish dead last. I also thought
that New York would struggle, and that Adrian Peterson
would be a gawdawful gimp-spawn. The lesson, as
always: Bill Simmons is an idiot.
As for me, I gotta go. An inebriated Crispin Glover
just made an off-color Rebecca Romijn comment, and
Uncle Jesse is getting crazier than Ron Paul at a
Truther convention. I'm sure there's a fight coming,
and I need to referee. As a kid I loved me some Full
House, so I think this will go down Dick Bavetta
style. Later on, mah peeps.
Regards,
"The Purple Pimp" Yes, I've been away for a while. Where? you might ask. Lets just say that, now that Warren and Hunter Thompson are dead, I must get in enough trouble for three. Oh, and Costa Rican prisons are not fun, no matter what Hollywood tells you. Anyway, here's some football knowledge dropped on your dome like a bag full of hammers...
A while back I slipped a disk in my back and was prescribed Vicodin. When you are a gimped-up twenty-something with psychoactive drugs in your possession, two things enter your mind: 1) My back really f**king hurts: perhaps I should take a Vicodin; and 2) If I can only grit my way through the next few days, I would surely enjoy that Vicodin a lot more on a Friday night with a fifth of Jose Cuervo. Needless to say, one Friday I saw a whole lot of weird stuff going down-- people's faces melting into a rainbow of multi-colored spiders, my toaster telling me knock-knock jokes, a tangled lizard orgy in my kitchen. But no matter how effed up I was, I did not see Canton having the second worst offense in the league. And Tom Brady putting up ludicrous stats while Peyton Manning manages games, only caring about the W. Next thing, you'll tell me that the Cubs are playoff contenders, Notre Dame football sucks, and Britney Spears is fat.
Apparently that Costa Rican Truth Serum is whackier than LSD, PCP, rat poison, laughing gas, and Valu-Rite vodka combined. So here are...
The Week Four Bizarro World Power Rankings:
"Genius"
New York Lynx
The best offense in the league. Brady and Palmer. M-B-Triple-I. All they needed was to end the Saints' stat-poisoning running back committee, which Deuce McAllister's injured knee provided on Monday Night. When you can instantly blow up a guy's ACL via telekinesis over expanded cable, that's Coach of the Year caliber stuff right there. Bravo, Coach MaWhorter. Bravo.
Pittsburgh Spears
That starter from the Colts is a stud. Peyton Manning is also decent. Amazingly, Larry Johnson is the only guy in the Pitt starting lineup not to score. If he gets on track, they'll repeat easily. Amazingly, Pitt might consider benching "managing the game" P-Mann for Ben Roethlisbingusdudefaceguywhatshisname.
"Excitable Boy"
Missouri Peregrines
Best of the Rest, err, West. Tony Romo, the Juvenated Randy Moss, and a solid running game make them formidable. If gambling were legal, this would be the team I would wager on (at 10-1 or so odds) for Super Bowl glory. With Iowa beat up, they'll cruise to the Western crown.
Canton Cougars
Too much talent to be lower. As Kenny Maine might say, "That is why they don't play games on paper. They play them in little television sets, for your viewing pleasure." LaDainian is already a Hall of Famer. Steven Jackson not only has Predator dreadlocks, but also led the Golden State Warriors to an NBA playoff upset of Dallas, and came up with the GURPS roleplaying system.
Miami Mafia
In a hole, but positioned to make a move. Westbrook looked like the second coming of Gale Sayers last Sunday, but Bulger's depleted O-Line and rib injury are huge concerns. But if Marvin Lewis figures out that the Cincinnati defense is thinner than America's Next Top Model and runs Rudi Johnson more, the Mob will vault into contention.
"Grab Ahold of That Fistful of Rain"
Arkdale Aardvarks
A nice story. Undefeated, with a gritty scrambling QB carrying them. The story of the season's first month, like the NCAA's University of Kentucky. Sadly, big boys South Carolina, Florida, and LSU are next. Unlike UK, Arkdale will not qualify for the Meineke Car Care Bowl, let alone the playoffs.
Dowagiac Chefs
An Inconvenient Truth: Gore will get 1,500 yards, but only five touchdowns this season. I blame Global Warming. Or Global Cooling, or Something Like That. Anyway... Maybe Eli will turn it on and carry them to the playoffs. Twelve words you never, ever, want to hear. Right up there with "You have advanced groinal cancer; we need to remove your b*lls, son."
Chicago Ravens
McNabb is Rejuvenated! Then again, the four TD performance was against the Lions, so you never know. The Ravens are Scatological Alchemists: they had LaDainain Tomlinson two years ago. Instead of turning him into gold, they turned him into Rudi Johnson, then turned him into sh*t.
"Bad Luck Streak in Dancing School"
Iowa Hawgs
Like Mike Shanahan, Tom Coughlin hates fantasy owners. Brandon Jacobs went from Touchdown Ninja to gimp in just a week. The new featured back, Derrick Ward, got his two TD chances vacuumed up by Reuben Droughns. Unless Iowa can get a new runner quickly, they are done.
South Bend Scraps
My sister attended Michigan State University, and I joined her and her friends tailgating at Notre Dame Stadium last weekend. After watching the Irish tank to the mighty Spartans, we high-tailed it out of there, before the Scraps took the field for Sunday's loss to Iowa. (Some things are best left unseen.) Adrian Peterson looks good, but do they have anything else? Survey says NO.
(Thanks Richard Dawson. Whenever I am sick or Vicodin-tweaked out of my gourd, Gameshow Network emerges from the cable TV miasma for the win. Let's Play the Feud, bee-yotch!)
Regards,
"The Purple Pimp" The rapper Ice-T got his first record contract by hustling his way into a record executive's office. Before the guy could call security, T starting selling himself as the world's best rapper, promising that he would make the record company a lot of money, etc. The executive asked T if he had any demo tapes, which he did not. Ice-T told the exec “You don't need to hear my tapes: I'm telling you right now I'm good.” The record executive explained that, of course, the record label wasn't going to buy anything they couldn't hear first. Ice-T retorted, “Look. If I was selling you hand grenades, I'm not just going to let you lob a couple down the street to see how good they work. You've just got to trust me that my s**t is good.” The executive was impressed, and asked T if he had gone to business school. Ice-T sat back, smiled, and said “No, but I've sold hand grenades.” This is what we call “Fake it 'til you make it.” Act boldly and confidently, and people will treat you with respect while you do the work behind the scenes to become a success. Last year's expansion teams Iowa and Miami did just this, cobbling together a playoff team and an 8-5-1 team from a motley collection of castoff veterans, rookies, and free agents. This year, after another draft and a few big trades, it looks like they've arrived for real. EAST DIVISION (a.k.a. The Peyton Division) 1 Canton Cougars In the mid-to-late 1980s, Michael Jordan was a great basketball player, but his supporting cast was abysmal, full of guys like Granville Waiters, whose greatest contribution to the team was looking like a seven foot mulatto Gallagher, only without an oversized watermelon sledgehammer. Once Scottie Pippen arrived, Jordan took over and became the greatest of all time. Similarly LaDainian Tomlinson came within three measly points of carrying an undefeated Canton squad to the Super Bowl all by himself. In the offseason, Tim Jones boldly traded for Steven Jackson, maybe the second best fantasy back, and a rapidly improving Jay Cutler. This is like the Bulls adding David Robinson in 1989. Canton is suddenly the Dream Team, and everyone else is Portugal, trying to keep it within thirty and maybe getting an autograph after the blowout loss. 2 Pittsburgh Spears I don't know what this team is thinking. They have one more year before Peyton Manning becomes a cap problem and Larry Johnson's Anterior Cruciate Ligament explodes spectacularly, so they should gear up to contend now. Instead, they spent their draft picks on guys like DeAngelo Williams and Ben Roethlisberger. These guys might be stars in a few years, but they sorta suck right now. Pitt might be able to grit their way to a wildcard, but it will take an LDT injury, a midseason trade, or a free agent acquisition for them to repeat. 3 Miami Mafia Rudi Johnson, Marc Bulger, and Marvin Harrison make them the most consistent team in the MFL. None of these guys will explode for five touchdowns, but they won't get shut out either. If Roy Williams or Westbrook have a few big games, they will make noise in the wild card race. The problems: 1) Williams plays for the Detroit Lions. 2) Westbrook is most valuable in fantasy leagues that count catches and receiving yard; whenever he catches a six yard swing pass for a TD, it is the same as -3 points in the MFL. Since this is The Mafia, though, don't be surprised if Norv Turner benches LaDainian all year for Michael Turner without explanation. Most people would think its because Norv Turner is an awful head coach, but Dave Wills will know it has something to do with a blood stained Nevada brothel. 4 New York Lynx They have cap room and talent, so why do I rank them fourth? Because the Reggie Bush / Deuce McAllister combo will kill them. Bush has the same problem Westbrook has when it comes to receiving TDs, but is so explosive that he will be in the Lynx lineup every week. Along with McAllister stealing his goal line carries, he could have a disappointing year. So do the Lynx play it safe and start both New Orleans backs, or do they start Barber, McGahee, or even Cedric Benson instead of one of them? They could win the wildcard if coach Dion MaWhorter subscribes to the New Orleans Times-Picayune and obsessively looks for clues as to which back will break out each week. Maybe they should start calling their RB corps “The Mystery Machine.” After all, Scoobies is prominently involved. 5 Dowagiac Fighting Chefs The summer after I left college I was out of work for a few months and had nothing to do but drink bourbon and play Madden football in General Manager mode. After obsessively signing draft picks to minimum deals and refusing to overpay for free agents, three years in I would be a hundred million dollars under the salary cap. While it was fun to beat the computer GM's with this handicap, it is not an effective way to run a fantasy team. Why the Chefs didn't steal a top runner in the draft or make a trade, I'm not sure. A Rudi / Gore backfield would have made them a contender, even with Eli at QB. Great googly moogly. WEST DIVISION (a.k.a. The Eli Division) 1 Missouri Peregrines Let's revisit the Michael Jordan analogy I made about Canton. Trading Jackson was like unloading Scottie Pippen in 1991 for Chris Mullin. An All-Star, but a one-dimensional complementary guy. The Grines will need to make a few trades to hold off Iowa for the division title. Luckily they have eleven million in cap room they could use: JaMarcus Russell is years away from unseating Brees as Missouri's starter, and Moss and Ginn are overpaid potential busts. Really, the best wide receiver on their roster is Braylon Edwards, and since he's a Michigan Wolverine he'll underachieve, mail games in, and and lose to Appalachian State. By the way, the biggest winner Saturday wasn't the Mountaineers, or the bookies who actually took action on the game: it was the folks who own the web address www.firelloydcarr.com 2 Iowa Hawgs If Chris Berman were still alive, he would dub Brandon Jacobs the next Cris Carter: all he does is make touchdowns. Add the talented Marshawn Lynch to the mix, and Iowa is in good position to steal another title from a weak division. I love Bruney's draft strategy when it came to Larry Fitzgerald. “I need a receiver, there is one sure thing available, and I have cap room. Let's treat him as a rent-a-player and win the division this year, then release him and get my six millions bucks of cap room back.” 3 Chicago Ravens Clinton Portis and Donovan McNabb on the same team? These guys are the Pacino and DeNiro of season-ending injuries and disappointed fantasy owners. Individually, Portis and McNabb get injured like Election Day: you know it's coming every other November, though you aren't sure what the exact date will be. Put them together with the likes of Terry Glenn, Joey Galloway, and Amani Toomer? Any given Sunday will be a Super Tuesday of blown out knees and angry team mates. 4 South Bend Scraps Eerie parallels to the Detroit Lions. Their GM blows up a playoff team and drafts a number of collegiate all-stars who don't pan out, guys like: #1) Joey Harrington. #2) A gimp who could snap his collarbone like a Thanksgiving wishbone on any given play. #3) A bad-attitude underachiever from USC who would rather eat doughnuts than practice. (If you are scoring at home: #1) Joey Harrington / Joey Harrington. #2) Charles Rogers / Adrian Peterson. #3) Mike Williams / LenDale White.) Speaking of scoring at home, the team's only hope is Travis Henry: he is halfway toward fathering the entire 2025 Scraps roster. South Bend fans are excited. For Silver Hawks playoff baseball. 5 Arkdale Aardvarks They had a brilliant draft this year. After they release Calvin Johnson and Brandon Jackson, they will have the cap room to use on Tomlinson #1 overall in 2008. Aside from Vince Young and Reggie Wayne, there's not much talent on this roster. I'm not sure what their GM is thinking. Replace him with Miss Teen South Carolina. Unlike the Arkdale players, she could find the end zone on a map, like such as. | ||
