In case you haven't noticed, I really love George Carlin.
by
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the
sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three
tequila, floor.
Atheism is a non-prophet
organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes,
why do we still have
monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is
because he knows where all the
bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the
saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose.
Could it be that all those
trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't
going as ghosts but as mattresses?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash
his hands with soap?
If a man is standing in the middle of
the forest speaking and there is
no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities
threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors
call what they do "practice?"
Where do forest rangers go to
"get away from it all?"
What do you do when you see an
endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they
garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a
walk?
Why do they lock gas station
bathrooms? Are they afraid someone
will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is
he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they
tell him he has the right
to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the
drive-through bank machines?
How do blind people know when they are
done wiping?
How do they get the deer to cross at
that yellow road sign?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat
clowns because they taste
funny?
What was the best thing before sliced
bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they
don't talk about other people.
