A Little Bit of Me (The mind of an Multiple Personality Disorder)

Fierce devastation, and destruction.

Frozen tears

From 19 years...

Black is white.

Windows have changed

Memories are gone, only scars remain.

Religion; only a pacifier for mass correction.

Am I a fool to seek out council?

Fairy tales and lies?

Take me on a tour of my pain.

I will bear my soul.

Lead me

Waters that run so still.

"Too much pain I will run and hide."

But love is all I ever really wanted.

Addictions cease when you start to look.

Your yesterdays.

When I explore my past.

Frozen tears

Start to melt.

When I think about it

Deep down in side,

I start to cry.

Oh how I've tried to find love,

All I found was cold eye's.

It's what I wanted all my life.

I never knew what it was like.

Perfect love

Drowns out all fear.

My slate is down

Even erased,

Even the dust inside my veins.

Love is the drug I really wanted,

What we needed.

The truth about this love hunger is,

It's what I crave.

Deep down in side

My heart cries.

I think how my compulsiveness

Takes me for a ride.

I must stop putting aside

What's really going on.

"There's pain inside."

Perfect love

Was always there.

I never knew what it was like.

Deep anguish.

Oh Lord I'm scared to sleep.

All this time I've searched for the drug

Bring me near to what I really wanted.

True love

Is the drug

We wanted, and needed all my life.

Spirit bring me near.

Pails of fire are in my house to night.

The hurt from my past

Caused it to ignite.

Nails dug so deep

Gray heavy clouds hang over my head.

Stolen innocents

Spread like cancer.

The rage within me burns as an inferno.

A moment of disease.

Alter my train of thought.

To suffocate my intellect.

Now a scull and cross bones

Circulate though my spirit.

My house of fire is not my desire.

But there is resentment in my heart.

Catastrophic pain

Bleeding to be free.

This fury on the loose

Adds tension.

Add another notch

My toxic scars.

Ceasing to be stopped.

Fire I do not desire.

I can't ignore the truth.

I must face this ugly sight of unforgiveness.

And the people I'd love to blame.

"They drew first blood Lord!"

Oh Jesus douse this flame

My house fire of my desire.

This house is burning me!

So there we were just sitting there

Could not believe what I just herd.

A man of God

With a book in hand.

To scold young humanity that was his plan.

Preacher and teacher

Please don't make me deny my problems inside

Your theology

Their psychology

Am I a fool to seek out council.

I've got feelings,

I've got pain,

I've got suffering,

I've got unfinished business

My early year's.

I was just standing there.

Scattered trauma filled the air.

Wounded souls with lifted hands.

The shame last Sunday

Makes me want to cry.

I'm just taking a walk

Down the side streets in my mind

To understand

What really happened

That dreaded night.

Was it the guy next door,

Or was it my earthly father,

Or just someone I trusted.

Who put the poison in my drink of life.

A violation of my humanity.

Now look at my shattered soul.

I'm taking a stroll

The side streets in my soul.

The spirit leads

And intends to make me hole

"I really don't want to look at the pain."

I'll shut the door and walk away

They say it's easier to live with a scar.

Because open wounds sing a song of sad denial.

Bones that kill this is real.

You deserve much better.

Those that kill little ones.

They steal their self-esteem

Leave destruction

Unlocking the door

flood of memories

Kiss them good by

Say hello to the promise land.

Is this the freedom we've been looking for.

What did I find?

It's very hard to heal the wound

The bullet is still lodged inside.

The trigger was pulled emotionally

It's a crime.

"I don't want to look at the pain."

I'll shut the door and walk away.

It's better to live with a scar

Than a wound.

I deserve much better

Open wounds are a sign of sad denial.

Bones that kill this real.

I need to cry and I can't.

I need to grieve

about the things I never had.

I need to feel as bad as I really do.

I can't deny the catastrophe inside.

I have to give it to God.

I can't pretend I'm feeling all right.

Most of all I must be real with God.

Just like a paper doll

I've been neatly taken apart

Bit by bit,

Peace by peace.

I've been completely taken apart.

If you can't feel pain you can't feel nothing at all.

We must grieve to give it to God.

I can't pretend.

I must be real with God.

For victory to be real with me

Sitting here writhing painful poetry,

God's love cuts through my worst brutalities.

The greatest gift is to be loved for who you are.

God tells us he still loves us,

He just wants me.

Stolen innocence and hand shake for morality.

Oh Lord I wanted to wait!

A choice of a child

Stolen by selfish desire of another

Before I had a choice to chose.

I can't pretend I'm clean when I'm not

God still loves me.

Lord help me I had no choice

I didn't want to come to this place called earth.

Two boys

No choice but to survive

It's a vile , destructive world.

I want NO PART OF.

Lord please don't turn away from me

If you do we will have no one.

I am a true alien that no one understands.

"I'll walk away from the pain."

It's a pain I can't bear to see.

When isolation hunts my spirit.

All I have,

All we need doesn't seem to matter any more

When loneliness comes

Knocks at our back door.

Oh Lord please just deliver us.

Please don't turn away from me.

Take me to where you want me

Oh Lord I am the clay please be my potter.

Mold me

Hold me

Make me an ambassador to the nations.

Help me to be a lover of souls.

I lay my life be for you.

I truly worship and adore you.

I lay my life before you

I want to do your will.

I trust you, and only you.

Take the cataracts from my eye's.

Take the plugs from my ear's

I am your bond servant.

God answered ll Timothy 4:1-8 John 14:1-4

The time of your departure is at hand

Keep faith

I have not forgotten you.

Keep my words

So they my be a light to my chosen

In a time of utter blindness and deafness.

I have prepared a beautiful mansion for you.

I created you and raised you.

You were hand picked

Specially polished by my father.

To be a lighted path

Loud voice for my chosen

Remember your not a lone

my spirit stays with you.

Keep calling to my children

Teaching my seekers

Those that are chosen will

understand my words

Those that don't pray for

You are all my children that I love...

_

Due to this incident of realization in my life.

I decided to write this book.

You say why? there's a million

Cause and effect of abuse books,

But listen, the difference is

That I am proof

Prayer, meditation, human psychology,

Diet, belief, hypnosis,

And most of all

Combined with God

There is more than healing

There is true freedom.

So sit back and enjoy

An action-packed

Mental head trip of my life.

WARNING:

Trauma in the raw can have strange effects

Read with caution,

Thank-You

I dedicate this book to every child ever born.

_

 Chapter 1: Rage within

Innocent

Guilt

Survival

Honesty

Chapter 2: The view from here

Decision, decision

Choices and consequences

Here I grow again

Lost in paradise

Chapter 3: Things change

Matter of mind

Leather jackets and greasy jeans

Suffocating intellect

Obscure geniuses

Mediocre minds

Chapter 4: Balance to maintain control

Life

Mechanisms

Learned behavior

Blowing the wind

 This is the start of my book Copy Right 11/02/1993 To LauRee Ward

_