Testosterone Poisoning

    Everyone knows that testosterone, the so-called male hormone, is found in both men and women. What is not so well known is that men have an overdose. 
    Until now, it has been thought that the level of testosterone in men is normal simply because they have it. But if you consider how abnormal their behavior is, then you are led to the hypothesis that almost all men are suffering from testosterone poisoning.  
    The symptoms are easy to spot. Sufferers are reported to show an early preference (while still in the crib) for geometric shapes. Later, they become obsessed with machinery and objects to the exclusion of human values. They have an intense need to rank everything, and are obsessed with size. (At some point in his life, nearly every male measures his penis.) 
    It is well known that men don’t look like other people. They have chicken legs. This is symptomatic of the disease as is the face that those men with the most aviary underpinnings will rank women according to the shapeliness of their legs. 
    The pathological violence of most men hardly needs to be mentioned. They are responsible for more wars than any other leading sex. Testosterone poisoning is particularly cruel because its sufferers usually don’t know they have it. In fact, when they are most under its way they believe that they are at their healthiest and most attractive. They even give each other medals for exhibiting the most advanced symptoms of the illness. 
    But there is hope. 
    Sufferers can change (even though it is harder than learning to walk again). They must first realize, however, that they are sick. The face that this condition is inherited in the same way that dimples are does not make it cute. 
    Eventually, of course, telethons and articles in the Reader’s Digest will dramatize the tragedy of testosterone poisoning. In the meantime, it is imperative for your friends and loved ones to become familiar with the danger signs. 
    Have the men you know take this simple test for-  

The Seven Warning Signs of Testosterone Poisoning

    1. Do you have an intense need to win? When having sex, do you always take pride in finishing before your partner? Do you always ask if this time was “the best” - and gnaw on the bedpost if you get an ambiguous answer? 

    2. Does violence play a big part in your life? Before you answer, count up how many hours you watched football, ice hockey, and children’s’ cartoons this year on television. When someone crosses you, do you wish you could stuff his face full of your fist? Do you ever poke people in your fantasies or throw then to and fro at all? When someone cuts you off in traffic, do violent, angry curses come bubbling out of your mouth before you know it? If so, you’re in big trouble, fella, and this is only question number two. 

    3. Are you “thing” oriented? Do you value the parts of a woman’s body more than the woman herself? Are you turned on by things that even remind you of those parts? Have you ever fallen in love with a really great doorknob? 

    4. Do you have an intense need to reduce every difficult situation to charts and figures? If you were present at a riot, would you tend to count the crowd? If you wife is despondent over a deeply felt setback that has left her feeling helpless, do you take her temperature? 

    5. Do you tend to measure things that are really qualitative? Are you more impressed with how high a male ballet dancer can leap than by what he’s doing while he’s up there? Are you more concerned with how long you can spend in bed, and with how many orgasms you can have, than you are with how you or your partner feels while you’re there? 

    6. Are you a little too mechanically oriented? Would you like to watch a sunset with a friend and feel at one with nature and each other, or would you rather take apart a clock? 

    7. Are you easily triggered into competition? When someone tries to pass you on the highway, do you speed up a little? Do you find yourself getting into contests of crushing beer cans- with the beer still in them? If you’ve answered yes to three or fewer of the above questions, you may be learning to deal with your condition.  

    A man answering yes to more than three is considered sick and not someone you’d want to have around in a crisis- such as raising children or growing old together. Anyone answering yes to all seven of the questions should seek help immediately before he kills himself in a high-wire act. 

    What to Do If You Suffer from Testosterone Poisoning 

    1. Don’t panic. Your first reaction may be that you are sicker than anyone else-or that you are the one man in the world able to fight it off-or, knowing that you are a sufferer, that you are the one man ordained to lead others to health (such as by writing articles about it). These are all symptoms of the disease. Just relax. First, sit back and enjoy yourself. Then find out how to enjoy somebody else. 

    2. Try to feel something. (Not with your hands, you oaf.) Look at a baby and see if you can appreciate it. (Not how big it’s getting, just how nice she or he is.) See if you can get yourself to cry by some means other than getting hit in the eye or losing a lot of money. 

    3. See if you can listen while someone else is talking. Were you the one talking? Perhaps you haven’t got the idea yet. 

    4. Practice this sentence: “You know, I think you’re right and I’m wrong.” (Hint: it is useful to know what the other person thinks before you say this.) 

    For Women Only: What to Do If You Are Living with a Sufferer  

    1. Remember that a little sympathy is a dangerous thing. The sufferer will be inclined to interpret any concern for him as appropriate submissiveness.  

    2. Let him know that you expect him to fight his way back to health and behave like a normal person-for his own sake, not yours.  

    3. Only after he begins to get his condition under control and has actually begun to enjoy life should you let him know that there is no such thing as testosterone poisoning.

"What Every Woman Should Know About Men," by Alvin Alda, as appeared in The Gender Reader, 2000.