For many years, I kept myself bury beneath the soil of silence and ignorance in the grave of mental imagery and lonesomeness. I curbed myself avoiding aliveness and people around. Life was scramming bitter and virulent for me and the only hymn whispering mine ears was (and perhaps is, too) to run away. Every eye blink was digressing me lonelier and more eremitic than ever and ironically very warmly, I was welcoming it.

There was incisively me and the universe of imaging-the place where I avatar the sculptures of dreaming (my only asset). Under such so called vicious cycles of obsession (as called by my psychiatric), one may retrieve me as someone who like nothing but isolation, under defensive measure of brainsick. Its sounds quite Ok........ but........ Is the matter such wide-eyed. Once, I rendered to be the segment of the surroundings, once I yielded to draw a blank all my worries and just to celebrate the remaining moments, but, instead of rejoining me in life, it took more away. I wished to smile, but found my eyes wet, I prayed to weep but it didn't gift me smile.

I suited the persona of Nature's ingenious outflanked perceptibility, taking first breath on 5th March, 1981. If I need to allege what I discovered around me that moment, the resolution is dim-witted; worries and books or books and worries.

Regarding my academics, I need to pay credit to my esteemed family, my parents, brothers and sister, being what I have accomplished so far. Same vista for my failures, as well. School life was very rugged regarding its stringency, discipline and severe penalisations etc. Class after class, I finally reached to matriculation. It was 5th July 1996, I substantiated my schooling having score 658/850 in matriculation.

In 1998, I cleared intermediate gaining 821/1100 in Pre-medical. Then, I had dished up Mathematics as an additional subject. The period from January 1996 to December 1998 was beyond any doubt, the most lively and vibrant period of my life, regardless of many acrid experiences.

In 1999, I was wedged to join C.A. by my households. It was totally one sided decisiveness, being I had not even a single conception to be a Chartered Accountant. This forced decision brought new shades of repents in my life.

This was the prison term, when my inner had been wricked to hell in a true sense. This was such a provoking repulsion, which assured my prayers and worships, getting refusal to acceptance. So, scarcely after 10 months, I featured to drop my admittance in C.A.......I got ensnared in the vicious cycle of Major Depressive Illness, "Obsessive Compulsive Disorder" (OCD)... Then I commenced on vacillating between doctors, medicines and few times electric shocks at brain. This was the time, when doctor alarmed that my nerves (or nervous system) is overly fragile to afford more charge of studies. I swear, I was mad, a double-dyed mad at those days.

Afterwards, I was referred to a psychiatrist, Dr. Ghazala Rehman. She rendered to turn myself back to vividness of life but I....... I was afraid of light, colours, faces and voices. I cried and cried alone at shattered dreams in the silent room of my insanity. To add insult to injury, on Saturday, 22nd July 2000, I had to endure a sudden loss of someone very respectably well-thought-of, someone who was the only reason to love life, someone very esteemed, someone very special, someone whom I love....... I lost the only charisma of life. Now, I had to fill the 'time' in the mapping of remaining age.

I made a conspiracy against doctor's advice and joined B.Sc. and finally in 2002, I was graduate. I tread forth and got admission in Quaid-i-Azam University in M.Sc. Mathematics. Still more gruelling moments were standing to kiss my lips. So, just after few months, in January 2003, few crises strained me to leave university, cancelling admission. I, at that juncture, had only two choices; leave university or leave university. All my decisions went to affirm a desperately awful ending of my university career.

After having rest of 7 months, in August 2003, I once more assembled the shattered pieces of brain and joined M.Sc. Physics in Govt. College, Satellite Town. As a matter of fact, it was my last dice to play. Again wind knocked at door....... I had in mind to gain knowledge but most of the teachers had not even zilch to offer. With hindsight, I often think that might I had some inflexible measures to say, "Okay. It’s fine."

Once, I was banged by pessimism and despair as an index of my attribute. It’s not too long ago, but just few years. It was Monday, 12th of April 2004, one of the most inauspicious days of my life, when there was no trust floating around me. I left 'academy', an honorary society, where I had spent about 9 years, in those rooms and pavements, where I served not only as a teacher but as a student, too. Ha.......! Regrettably it’s bitter to call back 12 April, when I stepped out of the door in the dark street and there was not even a single reason to stop me leaving. No bunch of flowers, no hug, no pat over shoulders and no clap to sound out any farewell remark, a warm good bye. I reached home, standardized as ever, applying a 'screen saver' over my inner feel and to hide well the inscrutable anguish within. I looked over the calendar, stretching across the wall and encircled something vague. Clock struck 12:00 and the new day started. Breathtaking challenges were ahead. I had to go through the examinations from 24th April to 23rd May 2004, without coming in the notice of any one, as it was some secret duty assignment on the behalf of my friend. Then, later on, from 24 June onwards, there was the 'ontogenesis' of papers in regard to M.Sc. Physics (Part-I), and still I had no readiness. I get scrambled to collage a grinning smile over face, posing as nothing getting tough to nerves. I crossed through these assignments-the hardened most days to me. (These were not the hardest days regarding only the agenda, but the disclosure of 'theatrical role' of few of the people, whom I once, counted very clean, appeared having dirt inside). Then, onwards, it was something like modus operandi, simple as routine. I incurred good results (unexpectedly) and next year 16 July, 2005 onwards, suffered exams for M.Sc. Physics final year. The phenomenon of this session of exams was horrible and miserable. It once, brought my eyes wet after many years. I found myself little helpless in standing against the flow of tears over my eyes. I suffered from severe most weakness and depression during papers and once, I thought that this year of my academic career would be ruined, but thanks God and pat on shoulders of my old paul pal Ayyazo, who supported me in getting a winning crisis management. Earlier on 22nd December 2004, my result for M.Sc (I) get announced, gifting me 404/600 as my score. That was 'cool' day for me, leaving me among 8 of 25 students, who cleared the exams with success. Later, on 22nd April 2006, result for final year appeared, displaying my score 434/600. Hence it was 837/1200, my garner. On that day, I had a get together with few of mine friends in ''Baala Tikka House'', having a memorable dinner. Ironically, that day was not as delightful, as it deserved to be. I'm, still in dilemma to infer, ''why one trace of sadness always reign over all the shades of joy''?

After having my M.Sc. exams accomplished, these were little in-routine days. I had few months, from 16th August, 2005 to 2nd June, 2006 engaged in couple of home tuitions. Then, just to roll one more dice to my academics, I applied for M.A. Economics as a private candidate, and had gone through the exams from 20th June, onwards. Luckily, I cleared it successfully, when result announced 'at once' somewhere in late December. At once, in a sense that one afternoon, my cell rang by my friend, Ayyazo, asking for my roll number to check it. I found my heart little trembled, but thanks God, on finding a positive announcement.
 

Mean while, I also had applied for M.Phil (Physics) in Quaid-i-Azam University, with a dull mind and literally zero spirit level inside for further studies. Luckily, I had been awarded by 80% aggregate in admission test and stood eligible for admission. While, I was sitting for viva, in front of the panel of 5, Chairman of Physics Department asked me, "Why do you require having M.Phil"? I replied, "My family dreams to have Nobel Prize medallion over my chest". He inquired, "And you?". "Off-the-cuff, me, too", I murmured. "Good. In which discipline, you would prefer to work?" Now it was my turn to have final statement. "Hmmm. I don't think I would ever such be qualified in Physics, so I guess, I need to strive for, either Nobel Prize in Literature or of some campaign for peace''. Pathetic enough? Well, I leave it to you.
 

As, I'm designed to always be in habit of getting wobbling, beginning of subject area was not good enough, at least, psychologically. Otherwise, at the end of 1st semester, my score was 82%, and I was in top 5, among 25. Then, I successfully, wangled 2nd semester, too, when result announced in late June 2007, ribbon by 3 A's (80%+) in 4 subjects. Wow... there must be a victory cheer.

Then, a new challenge was waiting. i.e., to start research. Contrary to what already been confided, Professor of Plasma Physics defied to take me as a research student with these comments, ''92 and 80.......very fine. You have been executed outshining in both courses of Plasma, but sorry I can’t take risk on you.''
As, there are always way outs to situation, I rushed to Professor of Material Sciences. Luckily, kind lady agreed to take 'risk' on me.
Though pursuing some rest, I got no chance, as had to go through the exams of M.A Economics for final year, from 20th July onwards. So, took leave from my supervisor for few weeks. After getting free of them, I joined research process in mid August.

On 2nd February 2008, I checked my result and thanked God on having my M.A Economics accomplished successfully. On the other hand, for about 5 months; from August 2007 till January 2008, my research progress report was manifested by poor work and carelessness, leaving me more depressed than ever in my academics.

Yes I was distressed and scared, but one day 'Sahar Andaaz'-the femininity of mine whispered mine ears, ''Hey.......Don't pose yourself worried. I know, you are more dangerous when down.''

(For the first in my life time, I left myself for time to decide)

"More dangerous when down".......? Amazing, and somehow provoking. It recalled me of the movie, ‘Collateral Damage’, with slogan ‘Nothing is more dangerous than a man, having nothing to lose more’. Sahar Andaaz was true...... I was dangerous only in the sense of having nothing more to lose. From February till May... time marched too fast, and I just desperately struggled to get things in control regarding my M.Phil research. Like walking upon razor edge, it appeared difficult for me to decide, whether to prefer balancing myself upon the edge or to preserve my feet of the cut. In start of May, I supposed myself of losing my hopes, and started thinking to attempt one more semester. After few days of such defeated impulses, I recovered myself with the aim to struggle till last bit. It was 21^st June, the deadline to submit thesis, while I suffered chicken pox on 7^th June. This was surely a big struck to all my plans. In the most miserable state, I rang my supervisor to inform her about the tragedy. She insisted me to take rest, and not to care about the deadline. This was the sane advice, but I was not of the mood to make roads beneath my feet too long. After 10 days, I rejoined university. Luck favoured me, and deadline extended till 12^th July on account of many applications to the vice chancellor from all the departments. So, fight back started again, and finally by 12:35 pm of 12^th July, I get my thesis concluded. Yet I have to make its printouts and bindings to submit total 5 copies at the office till 2:30 pm. With all my struggles getting down, I got just 5 minutes late, and failed to submit thesis in time. Not up to scratch, indeed, but everything which happens, happen for a reason. There always are few lessons behind every defeat....... Lessons to teach us how to build new bridges of success and glory above the disturbing waters. Difficulties are nothing but the opportunity to push us forward. Arrow goes forward only after pulling in to backward. Bullet goes forward only after pressing the trigger backward. Finally, on Friday, 8^th August 2007, the day of final encounter came. I was all alone facing viva in front of my supervisor, Chairman, and couple of examiners. It started by 11:05 am and lasted till 12:30pm. God was kind and luck favoured me all around. It was 73% as my reward in viva. Overall it managed to be 76.12% in M.Phil Physics. Cool enough. I was glad and after a long time, had a breath of comfort.

That was the time not only to push the boat out, but to pay a high regard to all those having share in my strength to fight with the difficult moments. So, I e-mailed few my internet friends of thanks on making my life more meaningful than ever and blessing me the feel of unity. Isn’t it the sense of prestige for me to have call even from another country to ask about my result the same moment when I finished my viva. Isn’t it a moment of pride for me, if someone came to meet me in university on the basis of having an inspirational profile at ‘Orkut’ or on the basis of the poetry I uploaded at my website. Isn’t it a blessing to receive 'Teacher's day' greeting or ‘happy Birthday’ wish, when no one else in this universe has any remembrance of it... not even me or my mother. I may have earned no penny in my life time, but the honour and feel of respect I earned is something, which no one can buy of gold even.

“What’s next”? That was the first question, to beat at my ear drum when I stepped back in my home. "Would it be PhD or some job"? My father (and many others) exclaimed.

Well, who knows what is written ahead? The hidden hand of fate is never so kind to anyone. Like a person sitting at sea shore, I wonder whether it be some precious shell my providence or some elevated tide. Who knows? What we are today is result of our own past actions. Whatever we wish to be in future depends on our present actions. We are responsible for what wse are, whatever we wish ourselves to be. We have power to make ourselves. I don’t know how many breaths remain for me. I have no idea how long I would be able to make more statues of dreams or to preserve the earlier ones from an ultimate collapse. Now having more sense of rationality in mind, and realising ‘Reality’ as the most horrible nightmare, I don’t see any reason to live in illusions any more. The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understand you; It is when you don’t understand yourself. I fear, one day I would fall down on my feet, and then would cry for someone....... Someone to kiss, not only hug.

I believe fortitude is developed by the example of one’s own practice and those parents who lack fortitude and patience cannot develop this quality in their children. I need to develop that fortitude, but not for children....... for me, only.......

I have experienced such seasons in my life, which I don’t like to be seasoned at you or anyone else. I don’t mean them difficult, but they are surely heavy to lift upon memories alone. Let them be the last words of me.